CHAPTER 198 - SELF-ACCEPTANCE
Wednesday, May 20 (11:40 PM)
With two pairs of giant size 13 sneakers and a freshly removed pair of socks now sprawled out on the floor not far from my head, I had a lot of trouble coping with the abnormally strong fumes and toxic aromas filling the air up around me.
My eyes stung and my facial muscles were virtually locked in a permanent grimace.
I tried breathing with my mouth, but the foul air still kept creeping up into my nose and making me sick somehow.
Shawn's room stank almost as much as the inside of Zack's hockey gloves, and it didn't help that the space was cramped and that the relatively small window was locked shut. The cluttered bedroom was stuffier than an attic and lined with piles of worn-out socks and heavily worn, unwashed boxers.
The fact that the beefy stud who called this place his nest skipped out on his showers and suffered from a very
serious case of foot odour didn't help out in the slightest. And being restrained and left alone without any form of distraction only seemed to make the nauseating stench even more unbearable.
So I was understandably relieved and shocked when captor made an appearance by stepping back into the bedroom after having been gone for a mere three or four minutes.
I would've barely had time to brush my teeth and shampoo my hair in that time, much less wash my compact 5'7 swimmer's build!
Yet here he was, standing tall and still soaking wet from just having stepped out of the shower.
His hair was still damp and numerous drops of water fell from his jawline and rolled down his buff chest and muscular torso.
A series of wet plops echoed about the place as he walked around and uncaringly tracked water across the floor with his huge, naked feet.
Still holding his towel around his shoulders, Shawn walked in the room and closed the door shut before making his way over to his swivelling chair and booting his desktop computer back on.
He rummaged through the cluttered floor space and eventually opened the window to let some of the built up stuffiness vent out.
The cool night air spilled in, and for a moment there, I was actually reminded of what fresh air smelled like.
My freshly-showered captor quickly dried his hair up, but even after drying his legs and tossing his damp towel down to his bed, the man's exceptionally large, size 13 soles kept producing wet sucking noises every time he took a step on the dusty wooden floor.
The room still stank to high heavens, but in those minutes following Shawn's return, my focus was almost entirely absorbed by the shape and fullness of his practically naked body.
Nick's cousin wasn't the most handsome guy around.
His face was a little boyish and his features were a bit bland. But even though I didn't find him extraordinarily attractive or particularly smart, the fullness of his body and the size of his musculature more than easily compensated for his lack of charisma.
I had so much trouble figuring him out. Which wasn't so surprising considering I had trouble figuring
myself out!
I definitely didn't love the guy. But to say that I didn't have a growing crush on him would've been an outright lie.
Nick was and would always be my God.
I revered him, loved him and cherished him in a way that words can't even begin to express.
Then there was Zack.
It took a while for me to figure it out, but after lots of hard thinking and self-acceptance, I eventually came to the conclusion that my feelings for Zack stemmed from the fact that he and I were a better match than Nick and myself could ever hope for.
I envied Jeremy like you wouldn't believe. I dreamed of being courted like he had been and longed to be rescued like he had been.
Zack was a modern knight in shining armour and was pretty much the epitome of chivalry!
His mere presence pulled at my heartstrings and it was somewhat difficult to see him adopt and care for another lad, especially one who perhaps didn't yet understand how lucky he was.
Don't get me wrong, Nick had his moments and could be very courteous and romantic when he wanted to.
Those moments were there, but they were just fewer and much more spaced out.
Nick and I didn't match on every level, but our bond had grown so strong that all those minute differences ended up not mattering.
In other words, he had dibs on me, being "first to base" and all.
Zack's appearance into my life had been pretty impactful, but had nonetheless come a little too late.
And even though I had grown madly in love with the idea of being shared by both he and Nick, the key to my heart still belonged to the blond construction worker who's bed I shared every night.
As for the other Alphas I'd been introduced to, I liked Chris a lot, and definitely felt the hots for Kyle, Josh and Joey.
But Shawn was just a different animal altogether.
Last night I'd been upset at the less than subtle way he'd made a pass at me, and just this morning I was positively furious as his use of guile and deceit in other to get what he wanted out of me.
I thought he was a despicable character, but as the day progressed, I eventually got a see another side of him; a much more grounded and down-to-earth facet of his personality.
Unlike Phil and Josh who had practically jumped at the opportunity to torment me, Shawn had shown himself more balanced and somewhat protective in his public dealings with me.
Part of me did not want to admit this, but he reminded was a lot like his cousin Nick before the two of us had become romantically involved.
Shawn had a lot of maturing to do, but it didn't take a particularly perceptive man to see that the wasn't completely cruel or bitter on the inside.
He had shown no qualms about punishing me, but had also demonstrated some level of moderation and fairness while holding my leash between his hands and making me clean up and worship his sneakers.
So long as I did what I was told, he would treat me okay.
I didn't make it right and it certainly didn't make him a particularly good Dom, but his lack of cruelty and ability to feel some amount of mercy and remorse gave me at least a glimpse of hope.
Immaturity and boyish features aside though, young Master Shawn was very much a man.
The blue eyed 21-year-old beefcake stood a full head taller than me and had a chest as wide as my shoulders.
His forearms and biceps were exceptionally large and thick, and his shoulders were extremely well developed.
Not only were his arms practically as thick and as powerful-looking as his cousin's, but his chest was seriously buff and his abdomen was thick and powerful as well.
The fact that he was now clad in nothing but his very large, yet excessively tight-fitting black Diesel briefs also gave me a nice view of his lower body and read end.
His calves were powerfully built and his incredibly thick thighs were living tribute to the balanced body training workouts he regularly engaged in.
His bums also stood out as being remarkably fat and much like his older cousin Nick, the young goliath was endowed with a very large, very hefty awe-inspiring tool.
The bulge that stood out in between his thighs was no laughing matter. And even though his overgrown member was currently flaccid and resting inside the stretchy confines of his black briefs, Shawn's front pouch was bulging out in front of him and protruding as far from his flat abdomen as his overly-developed chest was.
Each step he took caused his monstrous thighs to rub together, and in turn made his seriously overstuffed pouch wiggle from side to side.
The spectacle of him walking around in his underwear was quite arousing to look at.
The contrast between Shawn's clean shaven, ever-so-slightly boyish face was made all the more prominent by the profusion of blond body hair that lined most of his muscular body.
From his exceptionally hairy thighs, to his huge, hairy balls and big bushy armpits, the extremely buff college hunk was
covered in light, pale golden fur.
I thought I didn't like hairy guys, but strangely enough, I was actually finding the giant beefcake's fur-lined thighs and pecs strangely alluring.
Come to think of it, the extreme manliness of his body and the sharp contrast it provided when compared to his face, gave the hunk a certain edge over the other guys who shared his apartment.
He was the strongest and heaviest of these jocks. And with the possible exception of Big Mike, who was endowed with exceptional height, Shawn probably had the largest and meatiest tool and set of balls hanging between his legs.
I don't know why it mattered, but in my own personal ranking of these blokes, it certainly did!
I definitely enjoyed the thought of being owned by the biggest and baddest Alpha around.
And I was enlightened enough to know that my desire to be owned by such a man stemmed from a selfish need to feel special.
I loved the thought of these other guys lusting after me. But I absolutely adored the idea of Shawn keeping me for himself and using his physical power and authority to keep me off limits to the others.
And so as much as I longed for Nick's return and our much awaited camping trip with Zack and Jeremy, I was also deriving a significant amount of pleasure in being bound and locked in Master Shawn's bedroom and being forced to submit to his will and power.
Once of the greatest revelations to dawn upon me at the time, was that my innate desire to please and submit wasn't
always motived by a selfless desire to indulge my betters.
Rather, it was the satisfaction and self-gratification that resulted from it that constantly kept me on my knees and made me want to obey time and again.
I enjoyed being humble and enjoyed pleasing my betters.
But my motivations for doing so often stemmed from a more selfish desire; a desire to feel good.
Whether or not it makes me a poor submissive is for you to judge.
But as long as I didn't let my appetite for self-indulgence get in the way of my relationship with Nick, I saw not reason to rebuke myself for who I was and what my motivations were.
Figuring all that out was an important part of the self-acceptance process.
And as strange as it may seem, Shawn's plan to take me to his place and introduce me to his friends actually helped open my eyes up in more ways than one.
This insightful self-realisation about my inner psyche was only the first.