Meets, Flakes, No-Shows, etc... What's been your experience?

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Deleted User 2261

Meets, Flakes, No-Shows, etc... What's been your experience?

Post by Deleted User 2261 »

I know the purpose of TUGS is only to share our experiences and stories.... However, I know quite a few people that have met others from social media sites to tie or get tied. For a perfect example, I am 36 years old, and I have been meeting people since I was 18.

I was just curious, for those who are in the bondage community and play on an occasional or regular basis, how many times have you been stood up or come across flakes?

I lived outside of NYC for two years. Everyone told me that it would be a *wonderful* place to meet people with similar interests and to get tied up. I probably talked to over 50 guys and I did not meet one of them. They either vanished or just made no attempt to contact (the typical "I'll get in touch with you" but they never do kind of thing.)

Of course, I get that people have busy lives, but how hard is it to say that you A) don't want to meet, B) can't meet right now, or C) promise that you'll keep in contact and make some kind of arrangement when the time is available to do so? I mean, how hard or difficult is that?

I recently moved to the Denver, Colorado area. Again, I was told this would be a *perfect* place. I have been stood up 5 times in two weeks.

Maybe it's cold feet? Maybe it's a fantasy and they want to keep it that way, and they talk all this talk but they don't tell the truth?

I try to weigh things equally, think outside of the box, and try not to judge. I get when you are busy, but when you want to do something and you arrange a time and you don't show, then that's an issue for me.

What's been your experience regarding this? For me, it has sucked for the past two years, and it's not getting any better.....

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Pup
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Post by Pup »

My experiences are alot better in that respect tbh, never been outright stood up, though have had people canceling on the day/days leading up to doing stuff with often far from plausible (or easily disproved) excuses.
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Post by David Han »

I had contacted someone online from my own city for a tickle meet up. We chatted for months about limits, where we can meet up, and finally agreed on a date. But on day it arrived, he said he is no longer interested. I asked why, and he just cursed me out and said he is just not interested. Good thing I did not get a hotel room or I’ll be fuming even more. Why lead me into it, only to not be interested later? I blocked him on Facebook and outed him to everyone so they do not meet the same fate.
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Post by bondagefreak »

Never had any like experiences the ones mentioned.
Then again, I know that a lot of older guys using hookup sites are only there to chat and have no intention of meeting.
The advantage I have is that I chase after a much younger demographic and since there are a lot of young, eager guys online, it's more a question of choosing the ones I really wanna meet.

The only bad experience I've had in the past years has been meeting one dude who lied about his appearance and was using fake pics. Our meetup lasted about half a minute and I ended up driving back home almost right away.

Apart from that minor incident, it's all been good as far as meet-ups.
Most of my meets are spontaneous. It's easier for the sub that way, and also helps avoid anticipation build-up on both sides.
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Post by MaxRoper »

My experiences have been the opposite of [mention]bondagefreak[/mention]. There have only been two, but in both cases we got to know each other online for quite a while, exchanging photos, fantasies, etc before meeting. Both times turned out better than I could've hoped. Older guys in both cases, which isn't surprising since I fall into that category as well.

My advice: Keep trying, stay positive, be patient, and be careful.
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Post by Nexus »

Have yet to have a completely anonymous meet up.

Until this Saturday.

I've been on fetlife for the last 2 years, on again off again actively trying to find a playmate. Just in a recent blitz of random messages did one woman actually agree to play. She's been nothing but affirmative responses. We've agreed to meet this Saturday at a hotel I've booked. I hope I have a fun story to tell after and not a stood up story :(
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Post by boundsub »

Meeting other guys from online sites such as Recon and FetLife for bondage play can sometimes be a hair pulling experience dealing with flakes, cathfishers who steal pics of hot guys, meeting once and than getting ghosted, etc... Completely understand your frustration- flakey people are my number one pet peeve. Bondage meetups or otherwise.

As someone searching for a play partner for a year or so my experiences have been all over the board from incredibly amazing to getting flaked on once or twice. The worst yet was getting flaked on by a guy- twice!. Silly me though for giving him a second chance. He had a few issues and I found via FB he was a closeted guy with a girlfriend- I gave him a piece of my mind and blocked him.

On the good side of things I found a great play partner who was in town from Finland (for whatever reason visitors and traveller's are much more willing to meetup than local guys IMO) and we met multiple times before he had to return. In addition to being good at bondage and having similar interests we "clicked" personality wise and I'm sure if he lived here we'd be play partners or dating even.

Also, I agree with you about the bondage scene in NYC ufortunately having lived there for a few years which was somewhat disappointing for a city of 8 million people. Everyone is always busy with working 8+ hours a day, no one can host since everyone needs to live with a roommate(s) due to the expensive rental prices. Everyone's standards for looks are elevated to unrealistic proportions as well due to it being one of the modeling mecca's of the world. Ironically, I had no problems finding a boyfriend there despite the difficult dating scene but he wasn't into bondage.

What I found helps is if you live in or near a city go to kink events, bondage munches and clubs. Talk to people there and get to know them overtime as friends and contacts. Don't try jumping into play right away since most of the guys there have pre-planed things beforehand and/ or know each other (the established kink community is quite small and can be sometimes cliquey). This way you can network similar to how you would for a job. Munches are solely focused on meeting others, having lunch or dinner together and getting to know each other.

Also, join organizations and sports leagues for people interested in the same things you are aside from bondage. I know it seems counter intuitive of why someone would do that when all they want is to play but bondage is fairly common and mainstream at this point. It's a kink I personally think a lot of people have- more than we'll ever realize actually. You'll meet fellow bondage lovers almost anywhere once you get to know them ;) Online sites gives you a taste of a slice of who's out there but I'm willing to bet there's a lot of guy's out there who are wondering where you are.

While FetLife and Recon are OK for trying to meet people through they can be really be hit or miss... it also depends on your looks and age since there's a level of mutual attraction involved. People who you meet offline (can and sometimes) will flake on you but you might have better success searching offline if you're not having luck online.

Ton's of kinky guys are going through the same thing but patience and being persistent will pay off. Hope that helps you and others on the hunt!
Last edited by boundsub 5 years ago, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Fesselfan »

My experiences...I have been in bondage now for 15 years or so, and never had great difficulties in finding someone to play with.
However- I prefer to find my victims in real life, not (directly) in the net. So, BDSM munches and so on that's what works for me.
And if a contact happens on the net- the first date is striclty just a cup of coffee in a public location. And no month-long exchange of fantasies...

If you get disappointed all the time and make bad experiences, I suggest you take a moment and reflect what you can change. Try something else...or contemplate what you search and what you offer.

Cheers

FF
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Post by Nexus »

Nexus wrote: 5 years ago Have yet to have a completely anonymous meet up.

Until this Saturday.

I've been on fetlife for the last 2 years, on again off again actively trying to find a playmate. Just in a recent blitz of random messages did one woman actually agree to play. She's been nothing but affirmative responses. We've agreed to meet this Saturday at a hotel I've booked. I hope I have a fun story to tell after and not a stood up story :(
Well, it feels good to report that this was a success! Score one for random internet meet ups. I suppose one day I should get around to writing it up into a story for here, but for now the jist of it is she was cool, and let me tie her in 5 different positions. Fun stuff!
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Post by Carson33 »

As far as flake and no-shows, non of that has happen to me yet, but I've had a handful just stop talking to you for no reason. I haven't had too much experience with the whole thing considering my age. But I think with online relationships it can a daunting thing. You never really know who's on the other side, but sometimes you meet the right person. I've met a handful people that I am very grateful for. There are others who haven't been the case.

I've met someone a while back on the old site and we've had a great relationship and are actually considering meeting up early next year. I just met a guy last week and the conversation were fantastic, but once we started to get to know each other, which was my fault it seem like fell off the face of the earth. I am sorry to hear about your experiences, but I do agree with you I think so people want it to stay a fantasy and if they get to personal, it feels as if two worlds are colliding.
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Post by oZombiex2 »

Just to give a little different perspective I've agreed to meet multiple people before and cancelled and was fully intent on meeting them.

I talked to a guy for ages and kept being a no show on him until it got to a point I said he was better finding someone else because I didn't think I'd ever be able to do. It. I think online it sounds good but then when it gets to the day reality kicks in and you start to worry. I know what I did each time pissed the person off and I do regret it but I just freak out and Block the person when the day to meet arrives. I did have a bad experience with a person I met once so maybe that has contributed.

Any questions feel free to ask me.
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Post by bondagefreak »

oZombiex2 wrote: 5 years ago I know what I did each time pissed the person off and I do regret it but I just freak out and Block the person when the day to meet arrives. I did have a bad experience with a person I met once so maybe that has contributed.
Any questions feel free to ask me.
Nobody has dared to say anything, but since you're openly stating what you do on a public forum, I assume you're expecting to receive some form of feedback from the active bondage community on here.

If you aren't ready to commit to meetups and sticking to appointments you make, I hope you aren't still active on hookup sites. You're describing all the symptoms of someone who doesn't really wanna meet others. You should, at the very least, post that on your hookup profile so that people who are serious about meeting up don't waste their time on you. Blocking the person you're supposed to meet on the day of the appointment is hugely frustrating and confusing to guy/girl who's expecting to meet up with you. The least you can do, is apologise and simply state it isn't gonna work out for "x" reason, instead of leaving the person in waiting in the dark.
That's not OK.

A common practice on meetup sites would be to post your username up to warn other users that you're a last minute no-show.

Here's another thread to look at: http://tugstories.com/viewtopic.php?f=26&t=1031
FOR A LIST OF ALL MY WRITTEN WORKS, CLICK HERE: BONDAGEFREAK'S STORIES

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Post by Michael-Colin »

I've never actually had a bondage experience with someone else before, and I've been attempting hookups via recon. There are generally three problems I come across, two of which I guess are my own fault.

The first is that a lot of people who express an interest in me, or that I express an interest in often just fail to continue talking. Like after a while they'll just stop talking to me at some point. I believe this is referred to as "ghosting." I would be more understanding if it was people who are just too polite to say they're no longer interested, but i've encountered a few who are quite assertive and then just vanish. :lol:

The second problem is often on these sites, it is very difficult to find someone that fits your exact criteria. Maybe that one is my fault, as I might just be too picky, but there are many who want to push further than I would like.

The third problem is just my personal circumstances. My home address is not an area particularly close to any massive cities where it would be easier to find partners. And I don't have a great incentive to find people at my uni address because I'm always paranoid someone at the uni will find out! Especially if the person I am trying to hook up with turns out to be a fellow student. This paranoia goes slightly further, as I've never got to the stage in a conversation where I have felt comfortable showing a picture of myself. I guess this could put people off, but I'm never comfortable sharing pics of myself with people I have only just started speaking to.

I guess my problem with hook-ups are the ghosters, and my own paranoia lol.
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