Deconstructing fetishes

[tiedjay]

Hi all,

So a while ago I was having a chat with a date and she asked me what my ultimate sexual fantasy is.
For me its to be tied up back-to-back with a woman. She was quite taken aback with a kind of "really thats it?!?" reaction. Especially as I was kind of non fussed about being naked during.

What is with this fantasy?? I think clearly its a thing as heroes and damsels are often bound back to back in movies and TV, but I have no idea why this is such a turn on!

So I open this out to the community, any ideas?

[aashpazazim]

I feel like in general, bondage is enticing because of the sensation of helplessness if you're on the receiving end, or making someone feel helpless if you're on the giving end. When you're back-to-back helpless with someone, then you're both helpless. If the other person is someone you're attracted to (which could be given the nature of this fantasy), there's an additional layer to it where you're both helpless to aid one another but still turned on by one another.

[scarfgagged]

I think is very exciting too.
Having the other person that you care for both helpless, feeling the other person moving and protesting maybe in his/her gag and thinking that there is nothing you can do... wow, it is a turn on.
Also being chairtied one in front of the other, for me is amazing.

[YourCaptor75]

Well, I would ask the same question that I ask anyone who enjoys being tied or subbing. In the moment, do you think "*I* am helpless", or do you think "X person *has* me helpless"?
Basically, is the pleasure at being tied subjective (you focused) or objective (captor focused.)

My guess would be that it's mostly subjective, and sharing that experience with a lady is fascinating to you. The particular emotional or sensory "package" of being tied back to back on chairs has particular connotations that were likely instrumental in your sexual awakening.

That's just my armchair psychoanalysis tho, haha

[scarfgagged]

I would say both.
Obviously i enjoy being tied up, but also contributes who is tied up with you, and also who has tied us two up.
I think that as everything else is not about you and nothing else, but everything thats surrounds you. That includes (for me) the material of the restraints, the sounds of your partner, the voice of your captor... Just the hole scene i think.

That makes sense [mention]YourCaptor75[/mention] ?

[tiedjay]

My guess would be that it's mostly subjective, and sharing that experience with a lady is fascinating to you. The particular emotional or sensory "package" of being tied back to back on chairs has particular connotations that were likely instrumental in your sexual awakening.

Yes definitely this was a formative experience so that definitely plays a part.

I always put it down to looking for someone to share life struggle with and making sense of that general helplessness that is life. Which manifests itself in that formative sexual experience of seeing back to back bondage on TV shows.

Loving the answers here!

[YourCaptor75]

[mention]scarfgagged[/mention] yup. That's why some (most?) doms will put on a sort of persona, to set the mood, let the sub sink into the scene, ya know?

[mention]tiedjay[/mention] then I bet you have one or both of two traits; either high conscientiousness, or high competitiveness. Probably when you were young, you already had a positive connection to the idea of struggling, 'the grind', whatever you want to call it, and then you linked that with a sexual awakening from said bondage scene.
So then that hardworking part of you seeks someone to share a struggle with. Struggle for it's own sake, even. Make sense?

[tiedjay]

@tiedjay then I bet you have one or both of two traits; either high conscientiousness, or high competitiveness. Probably when you were young, you already had a positive connection to the idea of struggling, 'the grind', whatever you want to call it, and then you linked that with a sexual awakening from said bondage scene.
So then that hardworking part of you seeks someone to share a struggle with. Struggle for it's own sake, even. Make sense?

Yea definitely conscientious and accepting of the grind (rather than being competitive). Never thought about it being the struggle for its own sake being the turn on though, thats interesting...

[scarfgagged]

@scarfgagged yup. That's why some (most?) doms will put on a sort of persona, to set the mood, let the sub sink into the scene, ya know?

@tiedjay then I bet you have one or both of two traits; either high conscientiousness, or high competitiveness. Probably when you were young, you already had a positive connection to the idea of struggling, 'the grind', whatever you want to call it, and then you linked that with a sexual awakening from said bondage scene.
So then that hardworking part of you seeks someone to share a struggle with. Struggle for it's own sake, even. Make sense?

That's right! That's why i think a blindfold (for me) is so important.

[d4mseling4gs]

Also, to OP, it may be a sign that person is either acting/coming off, or is close-minded about that sort of thing. Kink in general is a big taboo in society, and I know I have struggled my entire life to come to grips with that part of myself. It might be a deal breaker to her, but as long as we have our fetishes within the realms of safe, consensual, ethical play behind closed doors, it shouldn't be a source of contention. It's hard to find people we "click" with that way, and maybe it's a sign she's not on your wavelength. There's always someone out there we can vibe with, so maybe she's doing you a favor, but I don't know, so YMMV, just my 2 cents.

[Dpsiic]

This is a really interesting thread. I, too, love being tied up and gagged with a woman. Back to back, both hogtied, both tied to chairs and would especially love being tied with a girl straddling my lap as in Tiedjay's profile pic. Or even one being hogtied and the other chairtied as in Scarfgagged's profile vid, making it even harder to help each other.

It's interesting what Yourcaptor75 says. I am known to be very conscientious but definitely am not particularly competitive. The whole psychology around bondage fascinates me.

[captured_prize]

Although it's not my main fantasy, the idea of being bound and gagged with someone is still interesting. I think the appeal lies in the shared experience and the fact that we somehow have to work together to escape our bonds.

[scarfgagged]

I have in the past tied my ex and then tied myself up in different scnarios... both in bed or front to front in chairs.
It was amazing to know we both were enjoying being bound, squirming, moaning and fighting; and also trying to untie each other so we can... well, you know

One time, i think I went too far, and we've been trying to untie us for almost two hours. Was the best!!!!

[YourCaptor75]

[mention]Dpsiic[/mention] competitiveness is likely a trait in those who like to escape from bonds, whereas conscientiousness is a trait associated by people who dislike not having something to do. Basically, the feeling of restraint, and continuous ability to struggle, even if you can't get loose, is probably quite satisfying to you. The aesthetics of it also probably appealed to you, probably around the time you were having a sexual awakening, and so it goes.
I imagine someone with low conscientiousness, (basically someone laid back) or with high neuroticism might enjoy being tied up just for the relaxing, meditative aspect of it. When I used to get tied, I enjoyed that it simplified things; I only had to lay there, lol (Very high neuroticism, personally.)
Any laid back subs able to verify this hypothesis? Do you like just lounging in your bonds, so to speak? Haha

[scarfgagged]

Lol, i don't know if i am neurotic, but if what you say is true, i must be very very neurotic.
I've even fell asleep when in bondage.
i fall in a state like the one that achieves the people that meditates. i think a lot (not when somebody is teasing me though) and feel very relaxed afterward.

To be clear, i don't think of myself like a neurotic guy.

[tiedjay]

@Dpsiic competitiveness is likely a trait in those who like to escape from bonds, whereas conscientiousness is a trait associated by people who dislike not having something to do. Basically, the feeling of restraint, and continuous ability to struggle, even if you can't get loose, is probably quite satisfying to you. The aesthetics of it also probably appealed to you, probably around the time you were having a sexual awakening, and so it goes.
I imagine someone with low conscientiousness, (basically someone laid back) or with high neuroticism might enjoy being tied up just for the relaxing, meditative aspect of it. When I used to get tied, I enjoyed that it simplified things; I only had to lay there, lol (Very high neuroticism, personally.)
Any laid back subs able to verify this hypothesis? Do you like just lounging in your bonds, so to speak? Haha

I really like the idea of competitiveness and the enjoyment of struggle. Its really not something I associate with myself but then again, maybe why thats why everything in my life appears to be a struggle because I want it so!

Love the cod psychology [mention]YourCaptor75[/mention]!

[YourCaptor75]

[mention]scarfgagged[/mention] neurotic has a bit of a negative connotation, which I don't mean. Basically, it is sensitivity. A neurotic person within a company, for instance, has a higher chance of seeing potential issues, and acts as a kind of early warning system. More neurotic people are more alert for "threats", and more focused on identifying patterns, even if they are very stable people.
I fit this profile very well, and when my old mentor used to tie me up, all the alarms, all the threat detection centers etc. turned off. I could just be.
You also may have other reasons for enjoying it tho. Lower conscientiousness, or less of a dutiful drive may allow you to view being roped as a peaceful, relaxing escape. The more relaxed people who I have tied also tended to be more relaxed while tied, for instance.

[mention]tiedjay[/mention] some people are quite compartmentalized with certain aspects about themselves. I know guys who are obscenely competitive in sports, who then act very cooperatively and calmly in virtually every other field. Perhaps struggling while tied is an area where you let the aspect of yourself go wild?

[tiedjay]

@tiedjay some people are quite compartmentalized with certain aspects about themselves. I know guys who are obscenely competitive in sports, who then act very cooperatively and calmly in virtually every other field. Perhaps struggling while tied is an area where you let the aspect of yourself go wild?

True true, I'm VERY outgoing and sociable at work but really not outside of the office environment. I don't really have much real life experience in the whole bondage area (one story available in the archives ) so its not really a space to go wild for me as I've never really been there. But I guess its probably the outlet I've always wanted

[Dpsiic]

Thanks Yourcaptor75. As I say it is an interesting subject close to my heart

[scarfgagged]

@scarfgagged neurotic has a bit of a negative connotation, which I don't mean. Basically, it is sensitivity. A neurotic person within a company, for instance, has a higher chance of seeing potential issues, and acts as a kind of early warning system. More neurotic people are more alert for "threats", and more focused on identifying patterns, even if they are very stable people.
I fit this profile very well, and when my old mentor used to tie me up, all the alarms, all the threat detection centers etc. turned off. I could just be.
You also may have other reasons for enjoying it tho. Lower conscientiousness, or less of a dutiful drive may allow you to view being roped as a peaceful, relaxing escape. The more relaxed people who I have tied also tended to be more relaxed while tied, for instance.

Wow man, Where did we meet??? Lol, right on the spot! I've always been curious about this point of view... Why i love being under somebodu else control when i'm tied up. I think that is why an effective gag is so important for me, don't you think?

[YourCaptor75]

[mention]tiedjay[/mention] well, good luck changing that, and becoming much more experienced as a sub, haha. Honestly, try to feel more comfortable with it, and know that it comes from a healthy, normal place. Should make you less nervous when asking/talking about it, which can make people more receptive ....i.e. get ya tied up, haha.

[mention]scarfgagged[/mention] probably. I would imagine in your life, you are often careful about what to say, or how to say it. Someone bound and gagged on the floor doesn't have to worry about how to act.
It's a paradoxical thing; some people feel safest when they're out of control like that.

[mention]DeeperThanRed[/mention] yer a nerd like me. Check out our little thread, and throw in some thoughts would ya?

[scarfgagged]

Exactly! Hate when in RP or real life, somebody ask me "now what?" when I'm all bound and gagged.
Lol

[DeeperThanRed]

The way I see it, bondage itself can be relaxing because you're giving up control. It doesn't need anything else to feel good.

[scarfgagged]

Also that is the difference between bondage and selfbondage. When you're in selfbondage, you still have control. it lets you dream for a while, but eventually you have to take the decision and not somebody else, you know

[tiedjay]

Also, to OP, it may be a sign that person is either acting/coming off, or is close-minded about that sort of thing. Kink in general is a big taboo in society, and I know I have struggled my entire life to come to grips with that part of myself. It might be a deal breaker to her, but as long as we have our fetishes within the realms of safe, consensual, ethical play behind closed doors, it shouldn't be a source of contention. It's hard to find people we "click" with that way, and maybe it's a sign she's not on your wavelength. There's always someone out there we can vibe with, so maybe she's doing you a favor, but I don't know, so YMMV, just my 2 cents.

Hah thanks, it was just a regular bs date that went nowhere, no biggie.

But I understand her reaction. I think the notion of being having this particular bondage fetish and to not have it linked to sexual intercourse is a bit of a headf*ck for most people. Even though it is definitely a fetish and sexual.
To be honest its taken me years to understand my "fetish" is unconnected to any bedroom preferences I may have (I have done light bondage play during sex, and am relatively ambivalent towards it)