The Paris Pilfered Identity Caper (MF/F, F/F)

[TamatoaShiny123]

Boasting an annual 9.6 million viewers, the Louvre is the world’s largest art museum, located in Paris, France. Not only did the museum hold 38,000 historic artifacts and art pieces, its glass pyramid exterior was considered to be a work of art all by itself.

One of the pieces of art located in the museum was the Seated Scribe sculpture. An ancient Egyptian work of art discovered in 1850 by Auguste Mariette, it depicted a scribe at work while in a seated position. And tonight, it was the target of Carmen Sandiego’s latest caper.

Using her wrist-mounted grappling hook, the thief zipped up to the pyramid’s top point. “I’m in position,” she told Player (her hacker accomplice) through the communicators in her earrings. “Are the security systems and cameras deactivated yet?”
“They’re offline,” Player reported. “Considering how many valuables are in there, you’d figure their security systems would be harder to turn off.”
“But I’m only after one thing: the Seated Scribe,” she reminded him.
“Yep. Steal it and replace it with the phony sculpture before V.I.L.E. can get their hands on it and add it to Countess Cleo’s collection. Then, once V.I.L.E. has taken the bait, you stealthily give back the real one to the proper authorities.”

As Carmen leaped to the section of the roof under the museum’s Egyptian Department, a car pulled up. It wasn’t a getaway car operated by Zack and Ivy however (Carmen decided to take this as a solo mission while the pair stayed behind to fix up their base in San Diego), it was the car piloted by A.C.M.E agents Chase Devineaux and Julia Argent.

“Eef La Femme Rouge tinks zat she cahn wahltz eento my hahme terreetahry of Frahnce ahnd steal ahnytheeng, she hahs anathar ting cahmeeng,” Chase told his partner as he popped a mint into his mouth. “Tahnight ees ze night zat Cahrmen Sahndiego's cahreair ahs a no-good teef cahmes to a deceesive end!”
“Well, maybe she’s acting preemptively in order to protect the object she’s stealing. There’s been a rash of Egyptian artifacts from museums all over the world recently,” Julia reminded her partner. “And it appears Carmen Sandiego is heading towards the Egyptian section of the museum right now.”
“No doubt Meess Sahndiego wahs ze mahstermind of zose othair objects' deesahppearahnce ahs well.”
“But the few eyewitnesses we’ve gotten have all reported seeing men near the speedig away from the crime scenes. No girls.”
“Hahve you fahrgotten? Our leettle teef ees a mahstair of deesguise. No doubt she pahsed ahs a mahn dureeng zese crimes to throw us off hair scent. But eet'll tahke fahr mahre zan such deesguises to shahke me off hair trail. Now, let’s get hair!” he shouted, exiting the car and running towards the entrance.

“But shouldn’t we wait for backup?” Julia shouted to deaf ears. Frustrated, Julia looked up towards the roof, where she saw the thief cut a hole in the roof and slipped inside. Thinking, she grabbed her own A.C.M.E.-issued grappling hook and ran towards the roof.

oOo

Removing the glass case off of the statue, Carmen removed the decoy statue from her coat’s inside pocket. With precision (as to not activate the pressure plate the artifact was no doubt placed on top of), she took the real Seated Scribe and immediately replaced it with the sham sculpture. As she deposited it into her coat pocket, Chase entered, his gas gun deployed.

"Hahnds where I cahn see zem, Meess Sahndiego," he ordered.

She did as instructed. “As you wish, Inspector,” she sarcastically responded before lunging forwards and kicking the gas gun out of his hands, causing a small cloud of knockout gas to puff out.

As Chase covered his mouth and nose with his jacket to avoid inhaling the gas, Carmen used her grappling hook to zip up through the hole she had come through. But waiting a foot away from the hole when she came up was Agent Argent, pointing her stun laser pistol at the thief (Chief only gave Julia the laser pistol out of the pair as to minimize the damage Chase caused).

“Agent Argent,” Carmen casually greeted Julia, seemingly unfazed at the weapon being pointed at her.
“Miss Sandiego, I trust you have a valid reason for your thievery of this artifact.”
“Of course I do: steal it before V.I.L.E can, then return it when the coast is clear.”

Julia smiled. “As I suspected. And I can confirm that you weren’t behind the recent global robberies of Egyptian artifacts?”
“Couldn’t stop them in time,” she explained. “So I decided to stop here to make sure V.I.L.E. couldn’t add this one to their list. So, now that I’ve fully explained my actions, I can take off now, right?”
“Miss Sandiego, you know I want to let you run off into the night, but...my job.”
“I get it. Your ‘job’: to catch thieves like me, per order of the Chief.”
“Well, yes-”
“But I’m a thief who works for the force of good. Doesn't the Chief know that?”
“I’ve tried to convince her of that so many times, but-”
“She doesn’t believe you.”
“It’s just given all the evidence-”
“I get it. But I won’t let you, your snooty partner, or any other A.C.M.E. agent get me-AUGH!”

Neither girls had noticed Chase climbing up onto the rooftop with his own grappling hook, sneak behind the thief, and jab her with his taser, causing her to collapse.

“Excellent wahrk, Ahgent Ahrgent,” he congratulated his partner as he ingested a celebratory mint. "Deestrahcteeng hair while I sneak up behind hair ahnd fineesh hair off wance ahnd for ahll!"

“But sir,” Julia argued with her. “I was just talking to her. She was explaining to me that-”

“Ahll lies she wahs spouteeng, I'm sure,” Chase cut her off. “Now zen, let's streep hair of ahll hair gahdgets ahnd get hair eento ze cahr. Chief ees going to get a leettle surprise tahnight…”

oOo

As luck (or quite the opposite of luck for Carmen) would have it, Chief was in town to review evidence for a separate crime V.I.L.E. had committed. In his infinite wisdom (which drowned out Julia’s legitimate wisdom), instead of calling her to pick up Carmen from the museum, he decided to drive the thief to the police station Chief was at the time, which was a few miles away.

Carmen was disarmed of all her tech (grappling hook, earring communicators, all the small gadgets that lined her coat pockets) as well as the Seated Scribe (nestled safely in the car’s glove box). Her arms were handcuffed behind her back and (on the orders of Chase) she was cleave gagged with a white handkerchief.

“I will naht let ziss teef try to use hair chahrmeeng wahrds to get out of ziss one,” Chase bragged. “You ahre getteeng brought to A.C.M.E. custahdy whethair you wahnt to go or naht.”
“Nuh guhd ihiouh ee-ec-ih,” the thief muttered into the cloth gag.

Chase sat up front while Julia sat in the back next to Carmen in order to keep an eye on her. As the car sped off towards the police station, Julia gave Carmen a sympathetic look.

“I’m so sorry it had to come to this,” Julia told the thief. “I hope Chase’s taser didn’t sting you too badly.”
“Do naht ahpahlogize to ze creeminahl!” Chase chastised her. “She deserved ze vahltahge of my tahsair ahftair ahll of ze times she humeeliated me! Ahnd no one humeeliates Chahse Deni Devineaux!”

In response, Carmen delivered a hard kick to the back of his seat. Chase gave a dirty look to Julia, who reluctantly drew her taser and held out in an act of warning to the prisoner.

“So sorry,” Julia whispered.
“‘t’s ahkah,” Carmen whispered back.

Chase then drove in silence for a bit, humming La Marseillaise under his breath. As he did, Carmen looked for a way out of her predicament. Spotting the remote for the electronic handcuffs in Julia’s suit pocket, Carmen slowly leaned in towards the agent to try to get it. Seeing it in time, Julia grabbed the thief’s wandering fingers, stretched them out (hard enough for it to hurt in the moment, but no further than that), and shoved Carmen back upright. The red coat-wearer let out a soft growl into her gag while Julia flashed a tiny smile.

“Yur ood,” the thief softly admitted.
Julia beamed at the mumbled compliment. “I know,” she jokingly bragged.

Carmen kept thinking about ways to escape. She had come up with a few ideas, but all of them involved harming Julia. As much as she wanted to rough Chase up, she couldn’t say the same thing for his partner, one of the only people in the world who truly understood her life’s goal: to steal with only good intentions in mind. As much as she hated to admit it, it looked like she’d have to find a way to escape from A.C.M.E. custody…

But suddenly, a miracle (of sorts) occurred: when Chase went to pop another mint into his mouth, he found the container to be empty. Grunting, he pulled into the parking lot of a convenience store, a mere mile away from the police station.

“Sir, can’t you just wait until after Carmen has been handed over to the proper authorities to get more breath mints?” an incredulous Julia asked.
“Ahnd reesk hahveeng a smelly breath while geefteeng La Femme Rouge ovair to ze Chief? No way!” he barked back, stepping out of the car. “I'll be just two meenutes. Keep ahn eye on our leettle teef while I'm gahne!”

Chase ran inside the store. As soon as he was gone, Julia took the gag out of Carmen's mouth. “I apologize about the gag, Miss Sandiego. It was Chase’s idea, not mine.”
“I know. How unfair it is, though, considering he’s the most deserving one in this car deserving of a gag.”

Julia giggled in agreement. “I just can’t believe that man stopped for breath mints in the middle of transporting a master thief. He’s practically addicted to those things.”
“You think I’m a ‘master’?” Carmen smirked. “Thanks for such glowing words, Agent Argent.”

The two sat in silence for a moment, waiting for Chase’s return. Right before Julia was about to say something else to her prisoner when both ladies could hear the French agent shout from inside the store, “I DEMAHND YOU LET ME EEN FRAHNT OF ZE LINE! ZISS EES A MAHTTAIR OF PAHLICE URGENCY!”

Startled, Julia turned her body, causing the remote to fall out of her pocket. Seizing her moment, Carmen grabbed the remote and pressed the button, releasing her from the cuffs. Realizing what happened, Julia grabbed her taser, but Carmen grabbed her wrist and used her other hand to pry Julia’s fingers from the weapon, causing it to fall onto the ground.

Realizing that she wouldn’t be winning this conflict, Julia tried exiting the car to contact Chase or any other A.C.M.E. agent, but it was too late; Carmen now had the taser. She grabbed the agent by her suit jacket and dragged her as far away from the car door as possible while pointing the taser at Julia’s spine.

“Looks like the shoe is on the other foot now,” Carmen said with a warm smirk.
“Now now, Miss Sandiego,” a fearful Julia stammered out. “Let’s not do anything hasty.”
“Well, your partner thinks I am a ‘no-good creeminahl’. Maybe I should help to bolster his claims by giving you a nice little shock,” the thief half-joked.
“But I know your style: you never hurt the innocent, only the criminals.”
“100% right again, Agent Argent. But I would still not try to wrestle this taser out of my hands. After all, it might accidentally slip from my hands and nick you.”

Looking back towards the convenience store, both ladies could still hear Chase creating a ruckus inside.

“How much longer do you think it’ll take for him to come back from his breath mint run?” Carmen asked.
“I really shouldn’t be giving away such information-”
‘Remind me again: who has the taser here?”
“One minute until he realizes in his haste that he picked up fruit mints...which he hates, thirty seconds to find the peppermint-flavored mints he prefers, and two more minutes to shout his way back to the front of the line and come back here.”
“Excellent. I think that gives me enough time to make a little switch.”
“What type of ‘switch’?”

Not answering Julia’s question, Carmen gently grabbed the sleeve of the agent’s suit jacket and ran her fingers against it.

“Do you know my favorite thing about you, Julia, besides your brains? Even though I’m a whole five inches taller than you, your clothes should still be able to fit me just fine.”

oOo

Exactly three and a half minutes later (as Julia has predicted), Chase returned, three new containers of mints in hand. As he stepped back into the car, he briefly looked over his shoulder to make sure everything was as he had left it: both his pantsuit-wearing partner and the red coat and fedora-wearing thief bound and gagged next to her were both still sitting in the backseat. Satisfied, Chase started the car back up and sped off to the police station. As he drove, he noticed that Carmen was making far more noise into her gag than she had been before.

“Sahve your voice, Cahrmen,” the French agent advised his prisoner. “I'm sure Chief will hahve a laht of questions fahr you to onsair wance she gets a hahld of you.”
“I completely agree with you, Chase,” Julia said. “You need to stop, Carmen, before I whip out the taser again.”

Chase furrowed his brow as he cracked open one of the new containers. “Meess Ahrgent, ahre you ok? You sound a beet deefferent. ahnd even mahre peculiar, you ahre AHGREEING weeth me fahr wance!”
“I’m perfectly fine, Agent Devineaux. I was just thinking: maybe you were right this whole time. Carmen Sandiego IS a no-good hoodlum that deserves to be brought to A.C.M.E. in cuffs.”

Over Carmen’s growls of anger, Chase smirked. “Meess Ahrgent, I'm so hahppy you ahre stahrteeng to see sings my way.”

Carmen could only roll her eyes at this point.

oOo

Minutes later, the car pulled up to the police station. Julia was the first to step out of the car.

“I’ll alert the Chief of our arrival,” she told her partner. “Why don’t you take hold of the prisoner? That way, you can be the one to present her.”

“A fine idea, Meess Ahrgent,” Chase said with a smile as he opened the car door. As he did, the Chief walked out of the police station with several other A.C.M.E. agents in tow.

“Agent Devineaux,” she greeted him. “To what do I owe this visit?”
“Chief, Ahgent Ahrgent ahnd I were cahlled een on a rahbbery to ze Louvre-”

He looked around to find his partner, only for her to have seemingly disappeared.

“Huh, she went out lookeeng fahr you,” he mused. “Oh well. I'm sure she'll be bahck ahny secahnd. Ahnyways, we respahnded to to ze rahbbery cahll ahnd you'll nevair guess who we cahptured while we were zere.”

Proudly, he pulled the thief out by her coat and presented her to his boss. Chief’s look of interest quickly turned into a scowl.

“Agent Devineaux,” she addressed him sharply. “Is this some kind of joke?”
"Whaht do you mean 'jahke'?" he asked. “"Eet ees she, ze one who we've been trying to cahpture fahr mahnths: Cahrmen Sahnd-whaht ze?"

Actually looking at the person he had brought in, he realized that this wasn’t Carmen Sandiego; it was his partner, Julia, who was dressed in the thief’s signature red coat and fedora while also wearing the handcuffs and cleave gag.

“ Zat's eempahsseeble! I caught hair, plahced hair een ze cahr, ahnd I checked zat she wahs steell zere ahftair I stahpped fahr meents-"
“Let me get this straight,” Chief questioned him. “You were transporting our most wanted target, and you stopped for BREATH MINTS?!”

As Chase continued to sputter out an excuse and while Chief mentally questioned her decision to hire him in the first place, both didn’t Julia blush through all of this, as well as the note that fell from the red coat’s pocket.

oOo

From a nearby rooftop, Carmen (still wearing her Julia ‘cosplay’) watched the scene unfold with a smirk, gently tossing the Seated Scribe (stolen back during the switch) between her hands.

“I gotta say, Red,” Player complimented, “you look pretty fly in a pantsuit.”
“It’s a pretty snug fit, though,” Carmen noted. “Why couldn’t Chase partner with a girl my height?”
“Well, all’s right with the world again: the Seated Scribe is back in your possession, and Chase is in ‘le doghouse’ with Chief. But I do feel a little bad for Julia, having to do her dirty like that.”
“Both of us girls won,” the thief assured her. “She didn’t have to catch me and I got away. And I think the note I left with her will make her day a bit brighter.”
“What note?”
“I scribbled it a block before we got to the station. It reads, You can keep this jacket too. I hope we can do this again sometime...but maybe without Chase.”
“What a cute love letter,” Player teased.

Carmen scoffed. “It wasn’t a love letter…”
“Well, I think you should know that I ship you with Julia. ‘Jules-Thief’, I call the ship.”
“Send me the fanfiction I’m sure you have featuring us girls later. Anyways, you have the hotel room ready for me?”
“A five star suite, courtesy of V.I.L.E.’s funds, is waiting for you, Red. Sending the coordinates now.”

As Carmen shot her grappling hook out and swung away, she could hear the familiar cry of ‘LA FEMME ROUGE!’ echo through the streets of Paris.

[slackywacky]

Good story, just not try to say the title 10 times in a row.

[noggip]

Great work!!

[TamatoaShiny123]

Good story, just not try to say the title 10 times in a row.

Already tried it. It’s freaking impossible XD

[TamatoaShiny123]

Great work!!

[Newdayrocks]

This was a good story. When I first saw it at deviantart and noticed it had Carmen Sandiego in it, I knew I had to fave it.

[TamatoaShiny123]

This was a good story. When I first saw it at deviantart and noticed it had Carmen Sandiego in it, I knew I had to fave it.

Glad you liked it!