FURTHER ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING (EPISODE Six: It’s only a game show,..)
Locked in the larder, firmly trussed up like a pair of thanksgiving turkeys myself and Harry were being shown the hospitality only a nefarious villain could bestow. The helpless captives of a high ranking member of the Gotham Underworld (under 16’s edition) and high priestess of the league of international assassins, we struggled valiantly against our tight restraints with little success.
For this Dynamic Due, it only remained to learn the identity of their mysterious assailant and discover their diabolical fate,..
We were sitting back-to-back, propped up on the cold stone floor of a dark cellar, strapped together like a pair of Siamese twins. Lashed to one another with what seemed to be the entire contents of a full roll of duct tape, movement was proving almost impossible. Worse, we were each cruelly gagged with a pair of Harry’s bright red (and recently worn) football socks (a final, crushing discourtesy)
Something of a veteran of such indignities I worked my jaw up and down in a series of slow, methodical movements designed to free my mouth of this unwelcome obstruction. After a few minutes effort the thick scarf hung loose around my neck.
“There. That's better!” I said breathlessly
“Yay! my hero!” cheered my fellow captive in admiration, although in truth it sounded closer to “Nhn! mn hmrh!”
“Whichever villainous cur is responsible for this predicament of ours is a scoundrel of the very worst stripe!”
“Nh dhhbt” Harry agreed through his gag (which, judging by the incoherent grunts sounded seriously tight)
“In fact this indignity could only have been perpetrated by a cad and a bounder with all the morality of the lowliest gutter Snape,..” I added, warming to the theme of being the hero-of-the-hour.
“Hm ghmff,..?”
“Who do you think kidnapped us this time Old Friend? That knave The Joker, that Wiley bird The Penguin, that vivacious vixen Catwoman,..?”
“Nhh rmhlln thnng fh?!” Harry replied, apparently suddenly excited by the thought that she had been abducted by a nubile young lady in a figure hugging catsuit.
“What? I can’t understand you. Try to speak clearly.” I teased, trying not to laugh.
As the vice captain of the school football team Harry was not accustomed to being openly mocked and let loose a mini salvo of good nature-ed, if extremely muffled curse words.
“Look, if you want a little advice, the key to making yourself understood through a gag is to enunciate properly”
“Dh Hm lhhg lngm Mlnzh Dhllnttlm' th nhh?!”
“Okay, don't get hot. Look, if you turn your head as far as you can I might be able to pull your gag away with my teeth”
Reluctantly (because it was not in his nature to admit defeat, much less solicit help from a girl) Harry did as he was asked and waited patiently as I tried to grip the gag between my teeth. It was like playing the mechanical at a fairground but eventually I was able to bite the material and pull it free.
“Ugh! That tastes disgusting,.. Now, what is it you were trying to say?”
“Finally!” he said, sounding a little impatient “I said 'Do I really look like Eliza Dollittle' to you?”
“A ‘My Fair Lady’ reference, I’m impressed”
“What? Because I’m just a dumb jock I can't be a fan of the fine arts?”
Suitably censured I sat quietly for a moment, my head full of daydreams about a night at the theater with my hunky fellow captive,..
“Speaking of which, how did you get so good at speaking the King’s English through a gag?”
“I told you, I’m training to be an escape artist,..” I reminded him, as though this was explanation enough.
Deciding not to pick at this particular thread for the moment Harry changed the subject.
“So what do you think she meant when she said we would suffer at the hands of one of the Six Unholy Rituals?”
“Oh, knowing Germaine, it’ll be the usual stuff” I replied carelessly “ropes and chains, fire, water. Best guess, we’ll be hung upside down over a pit of spiders, or bound and gagged over a red ant farm,..
“That’s only two”
“Well, use your imagination”
“Thanks, but I’d rather not.”
“So, do you have a preference?”
“Between?”
“Unholy rituals,.. I hope it’s three”
“Dare I ask why?”
“It’s my lucky number” I remarked cheerfully.
“How nice for you” Harry fired back, sounding distinctly underwhelmed.
“Hey, say what you like about your Sister, but you have to admire her sense of style. I doubt even Cher could squeeze as many costume changes into one day”
At that point Nicky returned, his features obscured by a forboding black hood.
“Ooo,” I said excitedly, “Here comes the verdict”
“How often does anyopne receive good news from a child in a mask?,..” Harry mused
“Don’t be such a stick in the mud. So,” I said, addressing Nicky “What have we got to look forward to?”
“Must you always so relentlessly upbeat?” Harry grumbled under his breath,..
“I heard that”
“I know, that’s why I said it out loud”
“Must we always fight in front of the children” I chided him “Go ahead Nicky, what news from the courts?”
“I have communed with the High Priestess” He proclaimed, in a suitably booming voice
“Excellent. You’ve got a really strong speaking voice. Go on,..
“And she has made her decision,..”
DUN DUN DUUUUN!!! (Dramatic Sound Effect)
And so dear readers, we come to the final chapter, but first we (by which I mean you!) must decided which fate awaits our heroes. You have just over a week to decide, most votes wins.
The options include
a) Me and Harry are tied to stakes and burnt alive
b) We are pegged out across the lawn with our hands and feet tied to camping stakes and left to fry in our own juices out in the dessert
c) Tied up and blindfolded we are executed at dawn by a firing squad (albeit with water pistols)
d) Left bound and gagged in the attic with only Germaine’s spider for company
e) Tied to chairs we’re forced to listen to Nicky play the drum set he received for his Birthday
f) Tied to chairs we’re forced to listen to Germaine reciting lyrics from her favourite death metal albums.
As ever, thanks for reading