(Not so) Easy rider (M/F)

[Stiletto Amore]

“Is this really necessary?”

“Who’s to say what’s really ‘necessary’?” Replied my erstwhile kidnapper, a polite, if improbably tall (trainee) gangster who introduced himself as Herman.

“Okay, let me put it another way, are you really saying I have to wear this?,” I said, holding up a rather uninviting hessian sack.

“Well, this is a kidnapping,..” Herman replied, as though this were explanation enough.

“And why should that matter?” I asked sternly

“Well. Erm, I don’t want you to know where you’re going” He stammered, sounding like a pupil who had failed to prepare for a surprise pop-quiz.
It didn’t help that, despite being well over 6’ tall, Herman looked barely old enough to shave.

“I understand that,” I said, slowly, so as not to lose him “but aren’t you concerned that a school girl with a bag over her head might attract the wrong kind of attention?”

“Oh, you mean, some people might assume you’re being taken against your will?”

“I think we have to consider that possibility yes”
Herman appeared to be contemplating just such a scenario now.

“Okay, well - Just close your eyes then!”

“Won’t that look almost as strange? Also, how exactly will I stop myself from walking into something?” I asked, pragmatic to the last

There was a pause as he mentally re-calibrated this new information.
“Ah,” He said, in the tone of someone who had just arrived at the answer to ‘9 down’ “Why don’t you squint a little?”

“And how will that help?” I asked, my curiosity piqued.

“Well, it might make the road signs harder to read?”
I couldn’t help but laugh.

“At least you don’t have to worry about being mistaken for a professional kidnapper”
Herman shrugged.

“I get paid either way”

“Actually you don't, but let's not get bogged down in semantics"

I briefly considered offering to take out my contact lenses, but decided to donate my school tie to the cause instead - Well it might make a nice change wearing it as a blindfold instead of a gag for once.

“Here! Use this” I said deftly removing the green and yellow scarf from around my neck whilst leaving my shirt collar buttoned. (for the record I was still dressed in the starched, long sleeved white blouse and black trousers I wore to class that morning)

“Thanks,” he said, sounding pathetically grateful as he tied it neatly in place over my eyes.

“Is that okay?”
I nodded.

“And you can’t see anything?”
I shook my head.

“How do I know if you’re telling the truth?”

“Simple. Ask me how many fingers you’re holding up”

“Ok. How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Eleven?”

“Ha! Not even close!” He snorted boastfully, rather missing the point I felt.


We marched together in silence for a while until suddenly the procession ground to a sudden and abrupt stop.
“What’s the matter?” I asked, looking around, flinching at unseen/ imagined danger

“It’s not here!” He moaned

“What do you mean ‘it’s’ not here? What’s ‘not here’?”

“The van. The van is gone. I parked it just here!” He said, gesturing wildly at, what I assumed to be, an unexpectedly empty parking space.

“Oh, well,” I said, trying not to sound too amused at my captors misfortune. “I guess that just means you’ll have to let me go - better luck next time and all that!” I said reaching up to remove my blindfold.

“Not so fast” He said placing a hand on my shoulder “I just need to think this through”

I waited.

“Well, what about a taxi?” I suggested helpfully

“My wallet was in the car!” He whined.
There was a lengthy pause.

“Well, I hope you don’t think I’m paying the fare!”

“I’d pay you back” He insisted.

“You’ll forgive me if I don’t take an I.O.U from my perspective kidnapper”

“The bus it is then!” Herman said, shaking out a handful of coins.


So this is how I found myself, wedged into the window seat of the X37 by the squeaky voiced teen from the Simpsons.
Strangely no one seemed to object when a blindfolded young woman in a school uniform was ushered onto the bus by a gawky, oversized teenager in an ill fitting suit - maybe they thought this was part of a prank, or maybe they were simply too busy with their own, miserable lives to worry about the plight of a pushy teen sleuth.
“Okay, give me your hands!” He said nervously.
I smiled obligingly and held out my wrists allowing Herman to bind them together with a black cable tie - a process made all the more difficult by the fact he was all fingers and thumbs.

“First time?” I asked, not unkindly as he tried, for the second time, to secure my hands.

“How did you know?”

“Woman’s intuition. Although you probably want to tighten those up a bit if you don’t want me to slip free” I said, shortly before doing exactly that.

“Wow! That’s really impressive” He cooed.

“Thanks” I said wiggling my fingers “But I’ve had lots of practise”

“So I see”

“Don’t worry - I’ll give you some pointers”


A couple of minutes later my hands were firmly bound in front of me.
“How’s that?!” Herman asked as he pulled my cuffs savagely tight

“Much better” I said, full of praise for my new pupil “So, now that I’m all tied up, perhaps you’d like to tell me why I’m here?”

“Don’t you remember? I lost the van,..”

"No. I don’t mean, ‘why are we riding the bus’? I mean why am I being abducted?”

“Ah, well that’s rather a funny story really”

“It is? Oh, jolly good. I love funny stories”

“Okay, well, let me just start by asking if you remember an article you wrote exposing the business practises of a local business owner and entrepreneur, Simon Stringer?”

”You mean the slumlord Simon Stringer?”

“The very same”

“Well? What about him?”

“He’s my Father”

“Ah!”
There really was nothing more to say.

“Anyway, in this article, I believe you made more than a passing reference to rumors that he wears a hair piece - even going so far as to speculate what ‘poor, unfortunate, animal gave it’s life that (My Father) could wear it on his head’”
I tried not to laugh.

“That certainly sounds like something I’d write. Just out of interest, which side did I come down on in the article?”

“I believe you concluded that it was a hitherto undiscovered species that had escaped from Jim Henson’s Creature Shop”

“Ha! It’s a pretty good line”

“You’ll get no argument from me. Mum rather liked it too - i read it to her over Breakfast”

“But I take it your Father didn’t see the funny side?”

“My Father doesn’t have a ‘funny side’”

“Oh”

“Indeed”

“So. What, you’re here to fit me up for a new pair of concrete Nikes?”

“Is that really so hard to believe?” He asked, sounding a little hurt that I hadn’t mistaken him for a cold blooded killer.

“Come on now Herman - do you even know how to mix concrete?”

“I could learn - I bet there’s a youtube video that would show me how”

“Look, I don’t want to be rude, but when you grabbed me earlier, I couldn’t help but notice the state of your nails”

“What about them?”

“Well,.. they’re immaculate”

“So?! Nail hygiene is essential for preventing health problems such a yeast or fungal infection”

“Eww, gross. But you’re missing my point”

“Which is?”

“You’ve got prettier nails than me - a teenage girl”

“And?”

“‘And?’ - Those are not the hands of someone familiar with the rigours of manual labour”

“Well,” He snorted, evidently in something of a sulk “Maybe I’ll just take you to the woods and torture you for a bit”

“Hehe! Okay,” I scoffed “but I should warn you, I’m very ticklish”

“Really?” Herman stammered, suddenly sounding very hot under his comically oversized collar.

However, before he could reveal further details of my ‘fate’ we were interrupted by a loud bang from the front of the bus.
“What on Earth was that?!” I heard myself scream as I jumped in my seat.

“Hang on, I’ll go check with the driver”


“Apparently there’s been a blow out in the front left hand tyre - we’ve been told to wait here for a replacement bus service” He explained.

“And how long is that going to take? Some of us have a Geometry test to study for”

“The driver doesn’t know, could be half an hour, could be longer” He replied, sounding thoroughly deflated.

“Oh well, sucks to be you I guess” I said with a smile “So, why don’t you cut me loose and we’ll forget this whole, sorry incident ever took place,..”

“Oh, would that I could Sam,..” He replied with a heavy sigh.

“Okay, so what’s the plan then? We’ve already established that neither of us have any money to speak of”

He appeared to think for a moment.
“There’s only one thing for it - we’ll have to flag down a lift”

“Hitchhiking! That’s your big plan?!”

“Have you got any better ideas?!” He barked accusingly.

“I’d argue that that’s not really a part of my job remit”

“Right, that’s settled then!”

*Sigh*

“Fine. Have it your way. But just think about this - what kind of a redneck psycho is going to pull over for a 7ft tall teenager with a trussed up school girl as cargo?”

“Let’s say we find out shall we?” He replied with a renewed sense of adventure.


“You know,” I said to Herman as we clambered up the side of a steep bank “This would be a whole lot easier if I could actually see where I was going”

“You worried you’re going to get mud on your nice, clean uniform?” He teased as he let go of my arm.

“A little. And I’d really rather not break my neck climbing over the moors with you”

He appeared to think this through.
“Okay Sam” He said as he removed my blindfold “But don’t get any fancy thoughts about making a break for it - there isn’t a house for miles”

“Thanks” I said drily as my eyes readjusted to the fading light.

“Probably best not to thank me yet” He said with a lopsided grin as he held the school tie up to my mouth.

“You want to gag me instead?” I asked.

“Try to see it as a compromise” He suggested warmly.

“Fine. Whatever '' I said, allowing him to reach up and place the green and yellow striped scarf in my mouth and between my teeth.

I didn’t resist as he knotted the ends of the scarf firmly behind my head.

“And as for your uniform, I’ll pay for you to have it cleaned” He replied, trying, and failing, to sound cool.

“N’mm be sure to send mnn the bill nn prison” I fired back

“Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that?” he teased.

Of course I knew perfectly well (from some pretty extensive personal experience) that my school tie alone would not be particularly effective in preventing me from being understood, but frankly I preferred not to demean myself any further by mumbling around a gag.
Instead I sat down on the side of the road and fumed in silence as we waited for a passing Samaritan to stop and offer us a lift.
Eventually we saw the blinking amber lights of a beaten up tow truck.

“What happened? You guys crawl through a sewer?” Asked Clara, a heavy set young woman in a pair of oily coveralls.

“Something like that” Herman grumbled.

“Say,” She asked genially “Why’s she all tied up?”

“Oh, it’s, er, it’s a pretend kidnap thing for her Birthday”

“Is that right?” She replied, looking me up and down “How exciting! I wish my Husband would think of doing this to me. You’re such a lucky girl”

“That’s what I keep telling her” Herman replied as I rolled my eyes.

“So, where are you taking her?” She asked

“I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you” Herman replied with a wicked grin.

“Haha! Of course. Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise would I?. So,” She said, addressing me

“How are you enjoying your Birthday so far?”

“Nh, cnnph complannn” I mumbled sardonically.

“So, what happened?” She said, turning back to talk to my kidnapper” Your car break down?”

“As a matter of fact it did. About three miles back in that direction” He said pointing somewhere over his shoulder.

“Well what a stroke of luck. Why don’t you both hop in and we can go we pick it up and tow it back to my garage”

“Actually, I was thinking, since we’re already running late for Sam’s surprise party. What say you drive us there first and I can arrange for someone to pick up the car in the morning”

“Well, if you’re sure, I guess that would be ok,..” She said, her voice wavering

“Don’t worry, it’s not far,..” He reassured her.

“Okay!” She said happily “Anything to help out a pair of lovebirds”

“Well, gee - that’s mighty kind of you”
It was clear that Herman could hardly believe his luck.

“Say, Clara,” He said, feeling suitably empowered to push his luck a little “I don’t suppose you have any more rope to hand would you?”


As a matter of fact Clara did have a pile of coloured ropes in the back of her truck and apparently she was more than happy to see them used to tie me up.
Naturally, Herman wasted precious little time doing just that.
Of course, had he bothered to ask I could have told my captor how hard it would be to tie someone up using a 10mm thick cord, but since he didn’t, I enjoyed watching him grapple with the unwieldy, and decidedly uncooperative bright blue tow rope.
“So, how long have you two been dating?” Clara asked as she watched my shirt covered arms become slowly entangled in roughly 15ft of cord.

“Dating? MMm’rm nnph -” But I was quickly silenced by Herman’s (manicured) palm.

“Not long,” Herman replied, keeping his handgag firmly in place.

“And how did you first meet?” She asked.

“Well, it’s rather a funny story,..”

I listened, with a curious state of detachment, as Herman spun an elaborate yarn about our blossoming, if entirely fictitious, relationship - it was Hallmark movie level hokum, but it was clear that Clara was lapping it up.

“Ooo - So romantic - just like in the movies” She purred as Herman recounted how he had once saved me from a ruthless oil baron who’d tied me to the train tracks - it was all utter nonsense of course, (in real life it was far more likely that young Herman would have been the one doing the tying) but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy imagining myself cast in the Penelope Pitstop role.

“Mm hero” I swooned, tongue in cheek.

He raised an eyebrow at me as he finished tying my ropes.

“Gee - that looks awfully tight” Clara said, sounding concerned.

“It should be a little snug,” Herman assured her “It’s got to look realistic”

“I suppose,..” She said, sounding unsure

“Look, I’ve just got to make a quick phone call, can you two wait in the truck?”

“Sure. I guess”

Carla took me by the arm and helped me into the back of the cab.
“Gosh!” She said as she buckled me into my seat “I’ve never been involved in a kidnapping before. It’s so exilerating”

“PHhnph’ph nnm mmnrn fnr nph N gnmphph” I mumbled as I looked out the window.
I saw Herman against the dark foliage, talking animatedly on the phone.
He was too far away for me to make out what he was saying, but it didn’t look like he was receiving good news.
It was at this point that I decided to launch my escape bid.
I began by exploring the ropes securing me.
Fortunately the cord had been too thick and unwieldy for Herman to tie me up effectively and there appeared to be only two knots securing all the bindings on my upper body. Given sufficient time, say five minutes, I had no doubt that I would slip free with little difficulty, but since time was of the essence,..

After a great deal of energetic wriggling and squirming I was finally able to push about half of the rope up over my head.

I was still tied with several yards of stout cord, but my arms had just enough movement that I could reach up and pull down my gag.
“Now Clara” I said calmly “This may come as a shock to you,..”


Outside, on the grass verge Herman finally ended the call with his Father.
He turned to walk to the tow truck.
Then stopped as it took off, tires squealing as they hit the road.
He continued to watch as I wound down my window and threw out my school tie.

“Don’t forget to get that cleaned” I called after him as he stooped to retrieve my scarf.
Herman could only watch in dumbstruck silence as we roared out of sight, laughing as we went.

[MaxRoper]

Sam is such a lovely child, allowing Herman to have a bit of fun before slipping away. I do hope the poor lad isn't in TOO much trouble with his fun-loving dad.

[Stiletto Amore]

Sam is such a lovely child, allowing Herman to have a bit of fun before slipping away. I do hope the poor lad isn't in TOO much trouble with his fun-loving dad.

Haha! I am nothing if not a warm and generous hostage - that said, I think Herman deserves to be grounded for a 100 years (subject to appeal) for suggesting I pay for my own kidnapping

[slackywacky]

That was a great story, thank you. Very funny. Thank you for posting.