Aren’t All Gwens the Same? (M/F, F/M)

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TamatoaShiny123
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Aren’t All Gwens the Same? (M/F, F/M)

Post by TamatoaShiny123 »

A figure dressed from head to toe in black and red leapt onto the rooftop of a NYC apartment. He took a deep breath and looked directly at the screen of whatever device you’re reading this on.

“Hello, boys and girls. My name is Deadpool, and I have a problem.”
”You sure the hell do.”
“Shut up, guy who’s writing this! Anyway, here’s my problem.”

From behind his back, Deadpool pulled out a picture of a comic book cover featuring his female counterpart, Gwenpool.

“She’s stealing my flare! Breaking the fourth wall, leaping from tall buildings and not dying, STEALING MY NAME AND COSTUME! I so badly want to sue her over those last two things, but apparently we’re ‘owned by the same company’!”

Taking a deep breath, the mercenary continued. “I wouldn’t mind as much, but it’s starting to affect my sales! Just because she’s a girl and not horrifically scarred under her mask, every fanboy is blowing their load and buying all of her merch over mine!”

To demonstrate this, Deadpool pulled out a shoddy-looking graph drawn with red crayon that depicted his merchandise sales dropping off over time and then pulled out another graph, this time drawn with pink crayon, of Gwenpool’s sales heavily increasing over time.

“But I have a plan! You see, I, Deadpool, plan on kidnapping Gwenpool and hiding her somewhere no one, not Sherlock Holmes or even Scooby-Doo, will find her! With her gone, everyone will forget she existed when the next gorgeous blonde pops up on comic book shelves and I will get back to having the highest merch sales of any Marvel character!”
”Uh...I don’t want to be *that guy*, but that seems pretty villainous. Didn’t you reform or something?”
“No! The good guys just started paying me more, that’s all. Now shut up or else I’ll reveal your IRL name to all these readers!”
”You wouldn’t dare!”
“I sure the frick would, P-“

Suddenly, Deadpool felt his mouth under his mask get erased as if it were an act perpetrated by a fanfiction writer who is trying to tell a character in his story that he needs to watch his ass before more things get erased if he catches the author’s drift. Undeterred, Deadpool pulled out a sharpie and drew his mouth back on.

“Fine, Mister Privacy-is-the-Best-Policy! But just you wait! My plan I came up with just this morning over a bowl of Fruit Loops is gonna work!”

Deadpool cracked his neck and jumped off the building. “I’ll be right back, guys! See you after the weird ‘O’ transition the author uses!”

oOo (and it’s not weird. Shut up!)

Deadpool leapt back onto the apartment building’s roof, this time with a squirming sack in his arms.

“Check it,” he announced to the readers and the author. “I caught myself a Gwen!”
”Uh, Deadpool…”
“What, nerd?”
”I didn’t realize this until I started writing this story, but Gwenpool doesn’t live in New York.”
“¿Qué?”
”She’s part of the West Coast Avengers. She’s in California or something. Did you travel to California and drag her back to New York all during that transition?”
“Nope.”
”So...dare I ask who or what’s in the sack?”

The mercenary untied the sack and dumped the contents out: inside was Spider-Gwen, who was mummified from shoulders to toe in duct tape. Her mask was partially lifted up to show that her own headband was placed between her teeth to gag her.

“Here’s what happened,” he explained. “As I waited in a shadowy alley stalking my prey, I realized the whole ‘Gwenpool doesn’t go here’ thing you were explaining before. And then I started singing that Celine Deon song ‘I Will Always Love You’ ‘cuz it got stuck in my head. That’s when Spider-Gwen here swung by. Spider-Gwen and Gwenpool, Gwenpool and Spider-Gwen...it kinda got screwed up in my head.”
”So…”
“So, I took out my duct tape-firing bazooka-“
“Where did you even find a duct-tape firing bazooka?!”
“The ACME Corporation was having a bitching online sale of them. So anyways, I fire my sticky load-“
”Dude…”
“Duct tape load,” he corrected himself, “and I dragged her back here to show you that my plan worked.”
“But it didn’t! You kidnapped the wrong girl!”
“Then call this a test run of my plan! If I can capture one Gwen, I can certainly capture the other one. Look, what I’m trying to say is that Tamatoashiny123, you can suck my fat-“

Luckily, before the author had to debate whether or not he had to rate this as his first rated-M story, Gwen (Stacy, that is) spat out her gag to cut him off.

“Look, if you know it’s me, can you just let me go?! I was in the middle of tracking down Doctor Octopus before I got ambushed by your loony ass!”
“I could...but I just had another idea!”
”Arceus help us…”
“I can hold you as ransom bait for Gwenpool! When she sees that I’ve captured one Gwen, Gwenpool will wet her panties in fear and immediately surrender! It’s foolproof!”
”But what if she doesn’t immediately surrender?”

The mercenary stood in silence for a minute. “...I cut my hostage’s head off?” he guessed.
“Wrong answer,” Gwen told him as suddenly, using her super-strength, she busted through her sticky bonds.

“Huh, who would’ve known that something the ACME Corporation sold would turn out to be ineffect-OUCH!” Deadpool mused as Spider-Gwen punched Deadpool in the face, knocking him to the ground as Gwen readjusted her headband back to its original position, shook her head in disgust, and headed to the rooftop’s edge to swing off of it.

“Woah there, lil’ lady!” the mercenary called out to her as he climbed back up to his feet. “You’re not going anywhere!”
“I’m not playing anymore of your games, Wade,” the blonde told him.

Gwen launched a web line and went to swing from it, but a sharp metal object suddenly whizzed past her and sliced the line.

“Whoops! Ninja star accidentally slipped from my hands!” Deadpool cheerfully explained.
”Actually, Gwen, since you’ve already freed yourself from your bondage, would you mind sticking around for a quick fight scene so that the readers don’t get bored and switch over to a Beaumains story or something?”

The heroine turned around and cracked her neck. “Fine. This is only gonna take two minutes.”

Deadpool drew his dual pistols and started firing on his foe. Cartwheeling around the bullets, Gwen fired off two web blasts that hit the muzzles, jamming them.

Frustrated, Deadpool threw the guns away, took out a throwing knife, and hurled it. Launching a thread that wrapped itself around the knife’s handle, Gwen spun it around and returned the knife to its sender. Deadpool ducked his head, but his right hand was still in the knife’s path as it whirled past, taking his middle finger with it.

While yes, Wade Wilson has a healing factor that would allow him to regenerate that finger within minutes, it still didn’t hurt him any less to lose a digit.

“OWW! SON OF A BITCH!” Deadpool cursed, taking his sliced-off finger and throwing it off the rooftop in an act of agony and rage.

oOo

Down below, an elderly shades-wearing man was sitting down at a table at an outside cafe. Placing his napkin in his shirt, he was about to enjoy a nice, hot bowl of soup when suddenly, the middle finger landed in the broth.

With his eyes widened, the man called his server over. “Waiter! Something just landed in my soup!”
“Let me guess, sir,” the waiter chuckled as he walked over. “Is it a fly?”

The elderly man looked down in his bowl to make sure he was seeing the object right. “Uh...not exactly,” he answered.

oOo

Back on the rooftop, Deadpool was still holding his hand in pain and cursing while Gwen stared at him in bewilderment.

“Frick!” the mercenary exclaimed. “Frick frick frickity frick frick frick!”
“‘Frick’?” Gwen questioned. “Don’t you mean fu-“
”Woah there! I’m trying my damndest to keep this story PG-13!”
“Yet you chose me to star in this story? I’m a very non-PG-13 kind of guy,” Deadpool pointed out.
“Look, I just don’t want to be the one who teaches a child the F-word, alright?”
“Relax, dude. If a small kid found his way to this website, odds are that they already know the F-word. The fact of the matter is that some people, including parents, are very irresponsible,” the fourth wall-breaker told the author as he unironically took out a grenade, pulled the pin out, and chucked it at Gwen. But using her reflexes, the blonde launched a net that caught the grenade and hurled the explosive in the air, where it exploded harmlessly.

“Ooh...pretty light show,” Deadpool stated, absolutely mesmerized by the explosion.

But the mercenary took his eye off Spider-Gwen, which allowed her to finish her foe off; launching a web line around his waist, Gwen threw Wade into the door of the stairway that led into the rest of the apartment. As he slammed into the door, the blonde launched a series of blasts that pinned down his entire body save for his head with a giant sticky web.

Gwen stormed over Deadpool and lifted his mask up enough so that his mouth was exposed.

“So...are we about to do some kinky stuff?” he asked with a smirk. “My safeword is-MMPH!”

Gwen shot several web blobs at his mouth, sealing his lips closed. With that, she walked back towards the rooftop’s edge.

“That was my last warning,” she told him. “Don’t involve me in any more of your bullshit. Otherwise, you’ll lose far more than a finger next time.” With that warning, Spider-Gwen swung away, back on the trail of hunting Doctor Octopus.

”Well, Spider-Gwen is gone and Deadpool is all webbed up, so we might as well wrap up (see what I did there?) this story by reminding everyone that we all learned a valuable lesson...but we all know what it is, so why bother restating it?”

THE END

Redman
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Post by Redman »

*calling 911 now because I can't breathe after reading that*

You just made my week with that. And yes, I caught the Stan Lee moment. (R.I.P.)
Love to RP! Kik is Redmann448 (thats a double "n") Discord is Redman448 #2610 (with one "n")

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TamatoaShiny123
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Post by TamatoaShiny123 »

Redman wrote:
2 months ago
*calling 911 now because I can't breathe after reading that*

You just made my week with that. And yes, I caught the Stan Lee moment. (R.I.P.)
Thanks for such a glowing review! 😊
If you love my Marvel stories, check out my most recent Tiny Tales! :)

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Post by Sportsfan »

This is fantastic. I don't know if I've ever read a TUGs story before that had me laughing out loud several times, let alone once or twice. It is harder than it looks to write humorously, but you nailed it. Well done.

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TamatoaShiny123
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Post by TamatoaShiny123 »

Sportsfan wrote:
1 month ago
This is fantastic. I don't know if I've ever read a TUGs story before that had me laughing out loud several times, let alone once or twice. It is harder than it looks to write humorously, but you nailed it. Well done.
Thanks for such a kind review! :D :D :D :D

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