Doctor Drakken Phones a Friend (MM/F)

[TamatoaShiny123]

It’s been a while since I posted a story on this site. Here’s one I wrote a few months ago that’s a crossover of two beloved Disney cartoons. Hope you enjoy:


Doctor Drakken, the most evil man in the world (at least that’s what he put on his business cards) had sent his associate Shego to the Cayman Islands, where she was to break into Señor Senior Sr.’s swanky mansion and steal the battery he used to power his ginormous tanning light for his latest and most complicated plan to date.

But Drakken was bored. Shego had been gone for a while, all of his minions were terrified to talk to him (something about him threatening them all with a death ray; he didn’t quite remember), and reruns of The Golden Girls didn’t start for a few more hours. He wanted to explain his convoluted plan to someone...but to whom?

Taking out his iPhone, Drakken scrolled through his contacts until he got to the D’s. The name of a person he hadn’t talked to in a while caught his eye: Doofenshmirtz, Dr. Heinz.

Doofenshmirtz picked up on the first ring. “Drew? Is that you?”
“Heinz, buddy! How the hell are you?”
“Can’t complain. Still living off my ex-wife’s alimony checks. You?”
“I’m waiting for Shego to come back with a giant battery. I'm having her steal it from a rich tanning-obsessed guy.”
“Ugh, I hate tanning! My nose always goes red before the rest of my body does. So, why do you need a giant battery anyways?”

Walking to the kitchen, Drakken grabbed a juice box from the fridge. “Actually, that’s why I’m calling. Have you ever wanted to recite an evil monologue that explained your maniacal plot to someone, but there’s no one around to listen to it?”
“I hate that feeling!” Doofenshmirtz exclaimed. “I’m telling you, that’s why you need a nemesis that visits you on a daily basis.”
“Yea. Well, can I tell you my plan, just to get it out of my system?”
“Sure...uh...just hang on for a second?”

Doofenshmirtz turned towards his nemesis, Perry the Platypus (who was trapped in an arcade claw machine). “Perry, can you just stay there for a while longer? I’m talking with a pal of mine.”

“Are you in the middle of YOUR evil plan?” Drakken asked. “I can always call back later-“
“It’s no problem. I’m still waiting for my Only-Tip-In-Quarters-Inator to charge up and I don’t think Perry will break free for at least a little while longer. So, what are you going to do with this giant battery?”
“Well, I’m gonna use the battery to supply the electricity to a cruise ship…”

oOo

Meanwhile, Shego was not having a good time, unlike her chatting boss. She was able to break into Senior Sr.’s lab, but unfortunately for her, the elder villain had rigged his latest hideout with long metal tentacles that soon found themselves wrapped around the villainess, pinning her arms to her sides.

“Look! Just let me take the stupid battery!” Shego shouted. “You have the cash. You can just buy a new one!”
“I could,” Sr. conceded. “But me, a villain, buying something to replace a thing a fellow villain stole from me? That’s shameful.”
“What? You can’t afford to have you and your son to take one day off from tanning?”

Señor Senior Jr. shook his head. “I cannot afford to miss a day of tanning! My Instagram followers would be devastated to see my body even the slightest bit not as tan!”
“Clearly, the tanning light is starting to fry your brain,” Shego muttered. “I’m done here. Time to get outta these stupid things!”

Before she could use her plasma beams to break free, Sr. pushed a button on a remote he had in his robe’s pocket. Sections of the tentacles opened up and started shooting out cold air at the bound girl, causing her to shiver.

“See, I recently got up to the chapter in ‘The Book of Evil’ that tells you all about how to cancel the powers of a superpowered hero that you may fight,” Sr. haughtily explained. “I consulted some scientist pals of mine that informed me that in order for you to use your plasma powers, you need to burn the air around you. But you can’t do that if the air is in the process of freezing, my dear.”

Shego tried to light her hands up, but they refused to stay lit up for long enough for her to break free. It appears that for right now, she was stuck with the father-son duo.

“It appears there is no chance of escape for you, Shego,” Sr. told her with a smirk. “Now then, I believe it’s time for me to practice what I learned from the ‘ransom note’ chapter…”

oOo

“Since the karaoke bar will be closed, the passengers will decide to pass the time at the pool. But unbeknownst to them, all the pools except for one will be filled with piranhas!” Drakken explained to his fellow scientist in between bites of Animal Crackers.
“But won’t the passengers notice the piranhas swimming around in the pools?” Doofenshmirtz questioned.
“Hmm, good point. I’ll just blast them with my invisibility ray. I just have to remember where I put it. I think it’s under my bed from last month-“

A notification suddenly popped up on Drakken’s screen, indicating he had an email. He furrowed his brow when he read that the email’s subject was ‘I Have Captured Shego’.

“Hey Heinz, I have an urgent email I gotta read. Would you mind if I put you on hold for a second?”
“Not at all. My Inator just finished charging up, so now I have to make my evil declaration before I fire it off. So take as much time as you need.”

Drakken opened the email, which was from the villain he had sent his associate to steal from. It read, “Hello, Doctor Drakken. I must say, I feel disappointed that you’d figure I’d be an easy target to steal from due to my lack of experience and increased age. However, I am far more clever than you are giving me credit for, resulting in my capturing of your underling. If you would like her back in one piece, you will go to my lair and bring me $10 million, as well as a written oath that you will refrain from stealing from me for the rest of your career as a villain.”

Grunting, Drakken shouted into the speakers on his couch, “ALL AVAILABLE MINIONS, REPORT TO THE SHIP WITHIN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES, OR ELSE!”. Standing up, the scientist put Doofenshmirtz back on the line. “Heinz, I got to go rescue Shego, but we can still talk on the phone.”
“No problem. I’m-TAKE THIS-in the middle of fighting Perry the Platypus myself.”
“Do you want me to call you back, or-“
“Nah. I’m on speaker phone, so I’m all good. Now, where did you go-OW! And I just got that tooth filled!”

oOo

As the ship flew through the Cayman Islands, Drakken recited the rest of his plan to his fellow evil scientist while listening in to the fight between Doof and Perry. Unfortunately, just like the way 99% of their fights had gone in the past, Perry soundly trounced his foe, placed a coin in the Inator’s coin-operated self-destruct button, and flew away to the familiar soundtrack of an explosion and his nemesis cursing him.

“Why would you install a coin-operated self-destruct button in your Inator?” Drakken questioned his colleague as the ship neared Senior’s lair.
“Well, I didn’t want the self-destruct button to go off with just a click of the button.”
“But you installed it on an Inator that compels the target to pay in quarters! It even gives you quarters to do so!”
“My head wasn’t in the right place when I built the darn thing!” Heinz admitted. “Honestly, I’m still getting over a bout of the flu I had last week. That’s what I get for missing a day of taking my Vitamin C tablets.”

The ship now found itself hovering over the lair. It fired off a laser that cut a hole through the roof.

“Keep the engine running,” Drakken ordered as he was lowered down through the hole by a rope ladder. “I’ll be right back.”
“You don’t want us to come with you?” a minion asked.
“After the last retrieval mission you guys ‘helped’ me with?! I’m doing this by myself to make sure this is done right and nothing implodes this time!”

Landing in one of the mansion’s many rooms, the scientist was confronted by laser turrets popping out from the roof.

“Ugh, Drakken groaned. “How does Kim Possible deal with my lasers again?”
“I think you said she uses some pocket-sized mirror,” Heinz (who was still on the line) reminded him.
“You’re right! I need a mirror! But where the hell would I find one right now?!”

As luck would have it, there were several hand mirrors lying around the room, most likely all being owned by Senior Jr. Grabbing one, he held the mirror up as a turret fired. The laser reflected off the glass and hit the turret that it was fired from, destroying it.

“Hah! Idiot,” he muttered, referring to Senior Jr., as he ran through the hallway, holding up the mirror to each laser that was fired. Finally, he ran up to the pair of tentacles that had captured his associate before.

“Heinz, I’m being confronted by metal tentacles. What do I do?!”
“Simple, you-actually, hold on a second.”

Doofenshmirtz turned to Norm, his robot servant. “Norm, after you’re done sweeping up the debris, can you call my dentist? I need to reattach that tooth that got punched out.”
“Didn’t you get that tooth refilled last week?” the robot asked.
“We can’t all have painted-on teeth!” Doof barked before turning back to his phone. “You still there?”

“I won’t be in the next few seconds if you don’t help me!” Drakken shouted as he rolled away from the lunging tentacles.
“Let me think...ah! I used metal tentacles to trap Perry the Platypus a few weeks ago while I tried firing off my Fire-Hydrant-Inator. And he used some magnets I had lying around to tangle the tentacles up, freeing him and disabling them.”

“Good thing I had some extra magnet discs from yesterday’s attempt to see if I could replicate Magneto’s powers,” he muttered as he pulled two silver discs from his lab coat pockets and flung them at the tentacles with one landing on the closest section to the wall of one tentacle and the other disc landing on the other end of the second tentacle. The discs lit up in a blue light as the one tentacle suddenly flew up and slammed into the other tentacle. Both entangled themselves trying to get loose from each other, effectively putting them out of commission.

“Hah!” Drakken proudly laughed. “Maybe I should become a secret agent!”
“I tried that once. I got fired after insulting a duck. It’s a whole thing-“

Suddenly, the phone was snatched out of Drakken’s hand. He turned around to see Senior Jr. throw the phone on the ground and crushed it under his foot.

“What? You don’t have an indestructible case on your phone?” Jr. asked with a smirk.
“I bought one yesterday! I just didn’t have the time to put it on!” the scientist shouted as he charged towards the young man.

The two wrestled each other into the bathroom, where Senior Jr. managed to get the upper hand, pinning Drakken to the ground while his father looked on in approval.

“That’s it, Jr.!” Senior Sr. praised. “Show him why no one, female or dumb scientist, messes with the Senior duo!”

But the sink’s cabinet was in reach for Drakken. He opened it, grabbed a can of spray-on deodorant, and sprayed Jr. right in the eyes.

“Ayeeee!” Jr. screamed. “My now beautifully-smelling eyes!”

With that, Drakken got the upper hand on his opponent. He pinned Jr. down and grabbed an electric razor from the cabinet. “Where is Shego?!” he demanded.
“Tell him nothing, Junior!” Senior Sr. shouted.

Growling, Drakken raised the razor and lowered it down towards Jr.’s sideburns. Horrified at the thought of not having 100% perfect hair, Jr. shouted, “She’s in the basement freezer!”

Smiling, Drakken threw the razor to the side, climbed off Jr., and ran off to the basement, stomping on Senior Sr.’s foot for good measure as he passed him.

Senior Jr. ran to the mirror, making sure that none of his hair was accidentally cut off by the razor while his father placed his head in his palm.

“What?” Jr. asked his father.
“Nothing…” Sr. sighed, shaking his head. “Nothing at all…”

oOo

Drakken finally made his way down to the freezer, having destroyed numerous laser turrets on the way down via reflecting their laser attacks with conveniently-placed mirrors.

Bursting through the door, the scientist came across his shivering associate, who was seated in a chair in the middle of the room. She had rope that tied her arms behind her back, rope that tied her ankles and knees together, and belts that held her waist, shoulders and lap down. She was gagged with a white cloth between her teeth.

Drakken ran over and removed the gag so that it hung around her neck. “How are you?” he nervously asked.
“Cold! Which is not a feeling I thought I’d feel in the Cayman Islands!”
“Oh, relax. You’ll be out of here in a minute.”

The scientist took out his walkie-talkie. “Cut a hole through the roof and the first floor and use the tractor beam to extract us,” he ordered.

He was about to untie Shego when he saw that in the corner of the freezer was a button labeled ‘PRESS FOR SELF DESTRUCTION’.

“Drakken…” Shego warned.
“I can’t help myself!” he exclaimed as he ran over to the button right as both Seniors ran into the room.

“Nooooo!” Jr. exclaimed.
“Boop!” Drakken happily shouted as he pressed the button.

“T-MINUS ONE MINUTE UNTIL SELF-DESTRUCTION OF LAIR!” a speaker announced. Upon hearing this, the father-son duo forgot about their foes and ran towards the escape pods, conveniently located only a few rooms away.

“Why did you put the self-destruct button in the freezer?!” Sr. asked his son.
“You said to put it in a place where no one would bother looking!” the young man shouted back.
“But the freezer is where we keep our hostages!”
“I didn’t think anyone would stick around long enough to see it because it’s so cold in there!”

As the escape pods containing the two flew away, a laser suddenly cut through the freezer’s roof and a green light shone down. Grabbing the chair Shego was restrained to, Drakken stepped into the light, causing him and his associate to float up to the ship.

“Wait, Dr. D,” Shego started to say as soon as they were in the ship’s interior. “What about the bat-“

Drakken placed the gag back between Shego’s lips. “Not now Shego! Full speed outta here, guys!”

The ship’s boosters flared up as it sped away. From the window, Drakken could see a series of explosions occur in the mansion before one last big one sent the entire exterior into flames.

Snatching the phone out of one of his minion’s hands, the scientist dialed Heinz’s number, hoping to continue their conversation. “Hello, Heinz?”
“Hey. What happened back there? Our call cut out all of the sudden.”
“Senior Jr. smashed my phone. But I was able to beat him, get Shego, and set off his lair’s self-destruct system before I left.”
“Hey, that’s great! But what about the battery?”
“The what?”
“The battery. You know, the thing you sent Shego to get that resulted in her getting captured.”

From the other end of the line, Heinz could hear a series of grunts, strangled growls, and finally, a deep breath.

“Heinz,” Drakken said in an eerily calm tone, “I’m gonna have to call you back.”

[Beaumains]

Always good to see a cooperation of two like-minded villains who arguably would be able achieve greatness within tie-up innovation. Shame they always fail. Especially Doof (and his jingle) would be glorious in any tie-up setting. Great work!