Negotiations Begin
“Ho, ho, ho! What a load of nonsense.” The boys instantly shut up. “You wouldn’t do most of those things you said and couldn’t do the rest.” There was an awkward silence. What Old Father Christmas had said was certainly true.
“Let us cut to the chase: you want to go home, yes?” Four eyes flicked from side to side, then two heads nodded. “Well, what do you say: you want to go home, yes?”
“Yes, Santa.”
“Yeah.”
“I wouldn’t call him Santa, if I were you, guys.”
“Yes, and talk politely.” Elf Bindweed gave Tony an encouraging kick up the bum.
“Ho ho, ho! I’m sure they didn’t mean it, did you boys?”
“N’ no, Santa, I mean Father Christmas, sorry.”
No, Father Christmas; no, Sir.”
“Thank you, Young Man, but don’t call me, ‘Sir’, I’m Old Father Christmas. Ho, ho, ho!” Old Father Christmas seldom got much chance to use his catchphrase out of season. Now that he did, he was determined to make the most of it.”
“Tell me, Young Andrew, do you think you should be on my ‘Naughty’ list?” Even without having to kneel, Andrew would be finding things far from comfortable. Being tightly bound made him feel no better.
“Yes, Father Christmas.” Andrew didn’t look up.
“And you, Young Tony, shall I find your name on my ‘Nice’ list?
Tony looked up but only briefly enough to say, “No, Father Christmas,” before bowing his head again.
“Well, here is what is going to happen. Pay attention.”
“Ho, HO, HO!” Father Christmas had worked his way up to full power. “I’m going to give presents to many people; that’s what I do, and they’re all down to you. All you have to do is to change your ways. Yes, I know all those things you said just now was a load of old bollocks.” The Elves and Fairies were aghast. Their Boss never used language like that – even after too many bramble brandies. “But I think I can help you.” He then added a final, “Ho, ho, ho!” just to re-establish his reputation.
“Do you remember those cute little baby outfits you wore?” Andrew and Tony froze. “You know, the ones with the terry towelling nappies – and the pins?” Both boys nodded spasmodically. “And those dummies that held cod-liver oil?” Andrew looked at Tony; Tony looked at Andrew. “Well, it’s either my fine Elves will take you home dressed as babies, . . “ The boys knelt mouths agape. “Or you may dress as you are now while you help in my warehouse until the Big Day.” The boys couldn’t even stammer. I wonder whether that was as a result of magic or just simple shock.
“Very well, I shall have to assume that you choose to toil in the workshop until Christmas Eve.” That loosened their tongues. Even the thought of being taken home soon as cute little babies was better than the alternative. Suddenly the boys became more talkative.
“Ho, ho, ho! What a shame, my Elves and Fairies work so hard, they always appreciate extra help. Never mind. Go and get these fine fellows ready, my good Elves and I shall see them again before they leave.”
Elves Cobweb and Bindweed wielded their present sacks. “Don’t bother with the sacks until they’re ready to go. Ho, ho, ho!” Elf Cobweb shouldered Andrew and carried him off to the Elves’ workshop. Tony wasn’t so lucky: Elf Bindweed simply dragged him by one leg. It was not a quiet journey but at least there were no stairs.
I wonder if either of the boys had remembered what Father Christmas had promised. They probably did but I doubt whether they knew what he meant.
Upon their return to the workshop, the Elves seemed to forget about the need to look festive. They attached Andrew and Tony to those hooks in the wall again. That, of course necessitated the reinstatement of the collars and leads.
“OK, boys, Get ‘em off.”
“Yeah, shame, really, I hoped you would want to stay and help out.”
“Oh, yes, they’re not doing it. Maybe they do want to stay after all.” Andrew and Tony looked at one another.
“Oh goody, let’s get them to the warehouse, they can lick the sticky labels for the parcels.”
“Good idea, they taste like a dragon’s armpit. Nobody wants that job.”
“Yes, and it’s about three months ‘til Christmas Eve.” The Elves sounded delighted. The boys took the hint. Soon four hands flew into place in nearly successful attempts to cover two boys’ nakedness.
“Aw shame.”
“Never mind, Elf Cobweb, I’m sure we can make them look like really cute little babies. Then we can take them home.” Andrew and Tony only hoped that they would be able to change before anybody saw them. Surely it would be better than licking a dragon’s armpit all day for the next ninety days or so?
In spite of previous practises, getting the bulky towelling under control was still good value to watch. Having only a single over-sized nappy pin each didn’t exactly help. The Elves waited until both nappies seemed to be secure. “OK, babies, hands on heads.” The babies looked puzzled. “Hands. On. Heads!” Twice told was enough. “Now, jump up and down.” That was another fun section of the video. At least the chains jingled merrily.
Having satisfied themselves that the babies’ clothing was secure, the Elves allowed them to stop. Now it was time to complete the costumes. The boys were given the choice of dressing themselves or having their bottoms smacked. They read the hidden implication and fell upon the bonnets, bootees, and mittens. At least that way, they might be allowed to keep their nappies.
The cute, frilly bonnets were held in place by the usual pink ribbons. Once they were tied with bows to the Elves’ satisfaction, the ribbons tightened worryingly. “Don’t worry, they won’t get any tighter unless you try removing them.” That wasn’t exactly comforting.
“Yes, we wouldn’t want wikkle babies to get cold earsy wearsies, would we?” Most babies only look like that when they need burping.
At least the bootees were dry when the youths sat and pulled them on. That pulled the chains quite tight but they didn’t dare complain. Once more they fastened the booties with bows. “And what did you do that for?” There followed a lot of stammering.
“It’s OK, Elf Bindweed, I think we can let them off.” Two boys sighed with relief. “We’ve got plenty of tinsel here.” Two youths groaned as the glittery stuff twinkled down into the Elves’ hands. It was but the work of a second to tie the two loops on each of the bows together, locking the bows. Then the artistic work started. The tinsel was threaded through the now non-slip loops and pulled half way through. The Elves worked as if their work was coordinated. They bound the decorations all the way up to the boys’ bums, pulling their legs tightly together.
“Festive enough, I think, Elf Bindweed.”
“What, no tinkly bells, Elf Cobweb?”
“A bit too much like overkill, I think, my old friend. - - - After all, we’ve got their arms to tie yet.”
“You have exquisite taste, dear Elf. Just little silver balls, then?”
“Just the little silver balls – or, perhaps gold ones for yours.”
“Such finesse!” So, the decision was made. Two strings of those little metal (Alright, then: metallic-coloured plastic) balls appeared. They were skilfully incorporated with the tinsel, reinforcing the tying. The Elves were pleased with the results. The yobbos were not. Babies usually only look like that when they’ve got wet nappies.
“OK, bend your knees.” The boys tried. That hurt. “It’s alright, just testing. You can relax now.” Having to sit on the floor with their legs straight was not the lads’ idea of relaxation.
“What’s next, Elf Cobweb: dummies or mittens?”
“Oh, I’m sure they’d like to tie their own dummies in place, wouldn’t you boys?” Both boys managed to supress the replies that they were tempted to make. They had already had enough experience of those pacifiers not to want to make things any worse. The even managed to tie them tightly enough to satisfy Elf Bindweed at the first attempt. Then they noticed that they hadn’t even been filled with anything unpleasant that time.
“Handy-pandies.” The boys looked at Elf Cobweb who was carrying those mitten-things again. The Elves slipped the thumbless garments over their guests’ hands. As they tied the ribbons round the boy’s wrists this time, the things contracted. This time there were no soft, woolly mittens forcing their hands into fists. This time their fingers were kept straight and their thumbs in line with them. Elf Cobweb thought he should explain. “That way baby-wabies can hold their own bottles.”
“Cle - e – ver babies.” Yes, it was still possible for Elf Bindweed to scruff Tony’s hair through his bonnet.
The Elves then tied the ribbons on the mittens together. Now the babies had about forty centimetres of ribbon between their wrists like handcuffs. But there were pretty bows in the middles of the strands - and just a single tinkly bell.
“Now the tinkly bells, Elf Cobweb?”
Now the tinkly bells, Elf Bindweed. Hands up, boys.” The yobs raised their arms even though they didn’t want to. The Elves took some rough jute rope and bound very elaborate harnesses round their torsos. Readers know that jute is easier to tie than strings of decorative Christmas bells. They also know what would happen as soon as the Elves were satisfied with their work.
“A quick preview, Elf Bindweed?”
“Why not, Elf Cobweb? Keep ‘em up, kiddies.” Winks of two right eyes and twitches of two left shoulders effected the transformation. Tony stood resplendent in gold bells to match the string of metallic balls. His partner in crime, of course, wore matching silver bells.
“OK, you two, test ‘em out.” Two boys looked worried. They had learnt to look worried when they didn’t understand instructions.
“Just jump up and down, we want to hear them jolly bells ringing.” Now the lads understood. You wouldn’t believe the level of sound that could come from Christmas tree bells. These, of course, were magic bells and were actual metal, although not all that heavy. “OK, you can stop now.” The jumping youths came to a tottering halt. You surely don’t believe that the Elves would let them fall over – do you?
“And arms down.” The winks of two left eyes and the twitching of two right shoulders reinstated the rough ropes.
“What do you think about some Christmas tree-lights now, Elf Bindweed?”
“Pretty coloured ones, Elf Cobweb?”
“You are so common. Young Elf. Jut white ones, would be more tasteful.”
“Yea, but it’s nearly Christmas, init?” It wasn’t, of course.
“You are so right, Elf Bindweed, coloured lights it is.”
“Flashing ones?”
“Of course.” The Elves high fived and produced more rough jute rope simply from thin air. They saw no reason for tying intractable strings of lights when they could transform things easily later. The Youths’ upper arms were attached at three points to the harnesses. That left them still able to touch the heels of their hands together easily. As they were tied, the ropes extended at need. That avoided the inevitable tangling that would be caused otherwise. The final result had the youths’ upper arms immobilised. It also left their forearms free to move even though they were cross-gartered. The Elves thought that it would look jolly if they were allowed at least some movement.
The Elves started the count-down. “Five.”
“Four.”
“Three.”
“Two.”
“One”
A joint, “Light up!” resulted in a complete display of tinkling bells and static lights. After a couple of seconds, the lights started cycling thorough their programmes. It was truly jolly – unless you were Andrew and Tony.
“Oh yes, these Elves are good!” Elf Bindweed has never been known for his restraint (so to speak).
“Ah, but there is one more thing, My Old Friend.”
“And what would that be, Elf Cobweb?”
Elf Cobweb went across to some lockers. “Ta-da!” He displayed two over-sized, pink-edged bibs.
“Excellent, Elf Cobweb, now they won’t spill food down themselves.” Elf Bindweed took one bib from his colleague and the Elves tied a bib round the neck of each baby.
“What do you think, Elf Bindweed?”
“That is very considerate of you, G”ood Elf Cobweb.” What could be worse than wearing bibs with pink trimmings? How about having a “My Little Pony” prominently displayed on them? Andrew wore “Pinky Pie” and Tony wore “Flutershy”.
“Ready to go, Elf Cobweb?”
“Ready to go, my friend.” The elves pulled present sacks over their subjects and fastened them with fancy bows. One they had slung them over their shoulders, it took very few minutes to reach Old Father Christmas’s throne room again.