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This has some interesting possibilities.
Just one minor thing, which can be easily fixed: It's a much easier read if you line space between paragraphs. If you don't, it seems all run together, and if the reader is looking for a particular point in the story, it makes it easier for him/her to find.
This story has endless possibilities, and is well written. I liked it, and look forward to future installments. If you have questions, or are unsure about something, the mods can provide guidance. Don't be afraid to ask them, even if the question seems "stupid." It is said that the only stupid question, is the one that isn't asked.
Don't be discouraged about what you might perceive as "negative," or "critical" comments. By posting a story, you are inviting commentary, both positive, and negative. Most of it will be positive, but don't let critical comments throw water on your creative fire. "Illigitimi non tatum carborundum." It's Latin, and means "Don't let the bastards wear you down!"
Drawscore
Just one minor thing, which can be easily fixed: It's a much easier read if you line space between paragraphs. If you don't, it seems all run together, and if the reader is looking for a particular point in the story, it makes it easier for him/her to find.
This story has endless possibilities, and is well written. I liked it, and look forward to future installments. If you have questions, or are unsure about something, the mods can provide guidance. Don't be afraid to ask them, even if the question seems "stupid." It is said that the only stupid question, is the one that isn't asked.
Don't be discouraged about what you might perceive as "negative," or "critical" comments. By posting a story, you are inviting commentary, both positive, and negative. Most of it will be positive, but don't let critical comments throw water on your creative fire. "Illigitimi non tatum carborundum." It's Latin, and means "Don't let the bastards wear you down!"
Drawscore
Don't want to be too critical here but it's a true story(!) changing the age would fake the story and it wouldn't be a true one anymore. Also, everyone who knows Gemma and Paul, know that all their games are of fun nature and both of them agreed to them. They are siblings with the closest bond I've ever seen, so I don't think that suggestion is appropriate here.
By the way... it's the older SISTER! Gemma is a girl
Well, I agree with your first suggestion though, leaving spaces between the paragraphs makes it indeed easier to read
Nice story! As always
Last edited by Killua 2 years ago, edited 3 times in total.
Thank you Killua!
very nice first part 
. Am curious how it continues
. Am curious how it continues -
OllieB2008
- Forum Contributer
- Posts: 4
- Joined: 2 years ago
Paul sounds like me! I like that too!