THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS AND HIS ELVES (Several Elementals/m)

[Xtc]

OK, ho, bloody ho, it's nearly Christmas and time to repost my festive tale. Bah humbug!

What follows is a true and “family-friendly” story. Readers will appreciate that all sentences have therefore been kept very short. Even the chapters are short. They have also been written in unashamed British English.

[Xtc]

THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS - AND HIS ELVES


Old Father Christmas

Old Father Christmas entered the room. His Elves were already there.

Father Christmas looked the way you’d expect him to look. He was a big, fat old geezer with a huge, real beard. His beard was more or less white but there was still some colour left in it. His heavy, green cloak was lined with fur. Being open at the front, it displayed his green leather jerkin and his wide black belt. His baggy black breeches were tucked into his long, black riding boots.

“Bugger this thing,” announced the old boy, throwing his holly wreath onto a nearby table. “Too bloody spiky to keep on anyone’s head.” He then sat down on a sort of throne raised on three steps.

Each Elf had his present sack at his feet. These were the biggest, toughest, strongest, fittest Elves you’ve ever seen. They looked just like any other Elves other than that. All their clothing was black, including their three-hole balaclavas. Their black leather gloves were fingerless. That enabled them to wrap the presents more easily. Their only coloured clothes were their DM’s (10-eye, steel-toe Cherry-reds). They had white fur sewn round the tops and cheerful swags of tinsel threaded into the laces. Oh, and of course their pointy red, fur-trimmed Santa caps.

Some of the present sacks seemed to be moving. Adjustment by the afore-mentioned boots soon stopped that. Even the muffled sounds stopped coming from them.

Elf Cobweb

“Ho, ho, ho,” boomed the old fellow, “It’s time to check the presents. We can’t take damaged goods to people can we? Let’s see what we have here. What have you got, Elf Cobweb?”

Elf Cobweb looked as if he wouldn’t need a jack to lift a car while his friend changed a tyre. He dragged a sack towards where his governor sat. He unlocked the chain threaded through the top and tipped the contents onto the floor.

“Ho, ho, ho,” guffawed Father Christmas as a skinhead youth rolled out of the sack, “What a wonderfully wrapped present,” he announced. Bring him closer.”

Elf Cobweb lifted his charge as easily as if he was a toddler. He left him kneeling in front of his boss. The present appeared to be wearing just grey pyjama trousers. He had his ankles and wrists bound. His wrists were connected to his ankles but not very strictly. He was gagged with a knotted red scarf. The tape holding his blindfold in place was white and had holly printed on it.

“Wonderfully wrapped.” repeated Santa, “Ho, ho, ho. Well done, young Cobweb.” So saying, he checked to see that the boy’s wrists were securely bound behind him. “Let him see and please remove his gag so that I may hear what he has to say for himself.”

Father Christmas then sat down again. Elf Cobweb took the boy’s jaw roughly in his great hand. He pulled the cloth from his mouth and pushed his head to make him look down. Elf cobweb then cut the adhesive tape with his sheath knife and ripped the blindfold off. The boy winced but remained silent with his head bowed.

“Ho, ho, ho. Have you been a very good boy this year?”

“No, Santa, I – I - I’m sorry.”

“What did you do to get you brought here?”

The boy looked nervously at Elf Cobweb. He’d spent the last five days persuading the boy to see the error of his ways. The initial bruises didn’t show so badly now. “I kicked someone’s dustbin and spilt the contents into the road.”

“Keep going.” prompted the cheery Elf, giving the pale boy an encouraging boot up the bum.

“She told me off for it the next day. I swore at her and did it again the next week.”

“And?”

“I did it another couple of times too.”

“What else?”

“Every time I pass her house, I throw pebbles at her window and swear at her.”

“You have obviously been a very naughty boy.” admonished Old Father Christmas. “What happened then? Look at me, boy!”

The lad looked up nervously. He was slightly built but fit looking with an almost translucent skin. “I’m sorry, Santa, I don’t know. I was at home in bed and I saw HIM just standing there.” He shot a frightened look sideways at Elf Cobweb. “He clamped his hand over my mouth. He said that, if I made a noise, I’d be swallowing teeth and speaking with a squeaky voice. He pulled my covers off and grabbed my . . . I nearly shat myself. I don’t know how he got in.”

“Ho, Ho, ho! He’s one of my Elves. Of course he can get in anywhere. His very presence made sure that no one else would wake up until he’d gone. Don’t be silly, boy; it’s magic. Ho, ho, ho! What happened next?”

“I’m sorry! I just don’t know, please believe me.” He was desperate to get the answers right.

“He tied me up and put me in a sack. After God knows how long I just ended up here. I don’t know how he got me here. I don’t even know where I am.”

“Ho, ho, ho! You’re at the North Pole, of course! Where else would you be? Now let’s see how well you’ve learnt your lesson.”

He’d had a few days of Elf Cobweb’s personal attention and that of a few of his colleagues as well. He really wanted to get the next bit right.

“Please, Santa, I’m sorry, I really am . . .”

“Cut the crap and get on with it.” advised the giant Elf.

“Yes, Sir, yes Sir. I will be taken to Mrs Robinson’s house and . . .” He went through his carefully drilled explanation. At the end he looked nervously at Elf Cobweb to see if he’d got it right. The Elf remained impassive.

“Well, young man, if you can get all that right, then you won’t need to come back to see me again. Or my gentle colleague here. Ho, ho, ho.”

Father Christmas then turned to Elf Cobweb. He told him to wrap the present in an acceptable fashion again and not to forget the gift tag. The lad whimpered.

“Look at me!” The captive looked up at Elf Cobweb’s balaclava framed eyes. That was the last thing he saw. A cloth pad was placed over his eyes and taped into place with lots of festive sticky tape. His soggy gag was also replaced. A couple of small sprigs of holly were then tucked into it near the boy’s cheeks. The whole was then held in place with even more festive tape. This didn’t have holly on it. That would have been overkill. This wished the recipients “A Merry Christmas”.

Elf Cobweb then pushed the quivering boy forwards onto his belly. He shortened the rope between his ankles and his wrists leaving a loop in it. A wide (and very strong) red ribbon was then threaded through the loop. The boy was rolled uncomfortably onto his back and the ribbon was tied tightly around his waist. The addition of a fancy bow in front brought out Elf Cobweb’s unexpected artistic side. The finishing touch was another wide (and rather stiff) ribbon which held the gift tag in place. That was clipped quite tightly round his neck.

Elf Cobweb then lifted the gift-wrapped skinhead and placed him in his sack. Once the top had been fastened with a chain and padlock, there could be no escape.

“Ho, ho, ho! Into the sleigh with him!” bellowed the Old Man. With that, Elf Cobweb and his colleague, Elf Bindweed, picked up the sack. They took it outside and threw it into the back of a white van.

When he landed, the lad felt not only the hard floor of the van but also something that was moving. Other presents had been waiting in there for quite some time. It was probably a good job that Father Christmas doesn’t really live at the North Pole!

TBC

[MaxRoper]

Absolutely spot-on!

[Xtc]

Ho! Ho! *cough, splutter* Ho!
Thank you.

[Xtc]

THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS AND HIS ELVES


Elf Bindweed

The van had been decorated for the occasion. “Santas Slay” had been carefully written on both sides in graffiti style. That was Elf Bindweed’s artistic side showing. He didn’t get the irony of the pun. He just can’t spell. He can’t punctuate either!

Wonderful swathes of Ivy had been painted all round the vehicle. A red-nosed reindeer had been painted on the bonnet holding a bottle of gin. (Elf’s just got to have fu-un!) The slogan “EAT MY (STAR) DUST” decorated the rear doors. Elf Bindweed surrounded it with representations of lots of grey exhaust fumes. Sparks and stars completed the concept. He then appended his tag. Job done!

Elf Bindweed returned into the Presence. “Ho, ho, ho. Well, my boy, what have you brought for my inspection?” Elf Bindweed opened his sack and emptied its contents in front of The Boss.

A skinny kid, probably about seventeen years old, with dark, curly-hair, lay on the floor struggling. He was certainly making more noise than the previous present.

“Elf Bindweed, I’d’ve thought you would have wrapped the present better than this. What went wrong?”

By now Elf Bindweed had his prisoner face down with a DM on his neck. The boy was naked. His hands were bound behind him and his elbows had been drawn tightly together. His legs were bound tightly at just about every imaginable station. Even his thumbs had been bound with paracord as had his big toes. Instead of the festive packaging, he was drooling round a rather cruel ball gag. Masses of gorilla tape covered his eyes.

“Sorry, Boss, we’ve only had three days to work on this one. He might not be ready yet.”

“Does he know that, if he doesn’t go tonight, he has to wait until next year? My magic will make sure that no one misses him until then.”

“He has been told but I don’t think he believes me.”

“How come he’s naked? You know some people don’t like their presents naked.”

“Well, Elf Cobweb and I visited him at home and he wasn’t prepared to listen to reason. Elf cobweb grabbed him and ended up with his jeans in his hands. You know, those silly things with the belt under the wearer’s bum? I rugby tackled him and the skinny little bastard slipped out of my grasp and out of his boxers. By the time Elf Cobweb grounded him, he was naked. Not my fault, Guv’ner.”

“How am I going to hear his confession if he needs to be gagged like that? And how he is going to tell me how he will make amends?”

“He’s written it down.”

“Ho, ho, ho. Don’t you mean you’ve written it down?”

“Guv’ner!” said Elf Bindweed trying to sound hurt. Elf Bindweed was tall and wiry with well defined muscles. He wasn’t the brightest candle in the convent but he was honest.

“He wrote it down and Elf Bramblethorn read it through and corrected it. After a bit of persuasion, admittedly. Most presents give up when they’ve been standing up to their necks in water for 24 hours. The trouble is that this guy keeps struggling once he’s been taken out again. He’s had to re-write it four times already.”

Old Father Christmas read the list of offences and asked the boy if he was prepared to co-operate. He continued to struggle under Elf Bindweed’s boot.

“Very well, don’t bother putting him in your sack, he won’t be delivered tonight. Young man, I can work magic; I could make you contrite. But you have to see the error of your ways for yourself. You have to accept responsibility. You will have to wait ‘til next year. Elf Yewtree, bring me my staff.”

A smaller, bespectacled Elf brought an ivy-wrapped staff to Father Christmas. It stood about three cubits high and had a large ruby imbedded in the top surrounded by holly.

“So are all such as he easily forgotten.” intoned the old Magician as he circled widdershins. The base of the wand traced a dark circle on the floor that almost immediately vanished. “Give him one more chance, Elf Bindweed.” The next instructions went along the lines of, “OK, Son, take the car but be back before midnight.”

Elf Bindweed took his charge to the Reliant Robin and strapped him firmly into the passenger’s seat. He flew it to the boy’s home where he removed the tape around his eyes. Being Father Christmas’s car, it could sit in the living room without anyone noticing. Not only that, no one could hear what was going on inside it either. Elf Bindweed just told his charge to listen. Did anyone mention him? Had anyone missed him? Were any of his presents under the tree? The little “plastic wheelbarrow” was flown into the bedroom that he shared with his little brother. His bed was not there. Neither was his wardrobe nor anything else of his. It was as if he had never existed.

“Want to go now, mush?”

The boy nodded.

Elf Bindweed then took off his cap and placed it on the present’s head. He pulled it down over his eyes and taped it into place. On the way back to HQ(NP) the Elf explained that it wasn’t too late to be delivered this year. Santa could reverse his spell. He’d only do it if he thought that his charge would get things right. He’d have to make a full face to face confession. He’d also have to tell Father Christmas what he was going to do to make amends to his victims.

Elf Bindweed removed his passenger’s gag and steered the little car through the air. As he did so, he asked questions. The skinny boy told him the crimes he had committed (He was a burglar). He also rehearsed what he would say to Elf Bindweed’s “Guv’ner”. He had an offer to make to each of his victims. By the time his journey was over, he was word perfect.

Elf Bindweed replaced his passenger’s gag but it was not as tight as previously. He released his seat belt and hauled him over his shoulder and into the presence of the Old Man. The distraught boy was made to kneel and Elf Bindweed re-claimed his cap and pulled out the gag. Being bound as tightly as he was made it very difficult for him not to fall over.

“Ho, ho, ho! And have you been a very good boy this year?”

“No, Santa.”

“Speak up, Boy, I’m old and I can hardly hear you! Ho, ho, ho!”

Without lifting his head the dark-haired boy said, “No, Santa, I’m sorry.”

“Look at me. Tell me EXACTLY what you’ve done.”

The quaking boy looked into those eyes. He knew they could see into his soul. In about ten minutes he had confessed to four burglaries. He had only confessed to three of them at the hands of Elf Bindweed and his colleagues. Raised eyebrows and shrugs were exchanged.

The young burglar knew that if he blew the next bit, he would have to wait ‘til next year.

“If you are to be given as a present, you must get it right. What are you going to do?”

“First I’ll be delivered to the Morrisses where . . .” After another ten minutes of promises, sniffs and pleadings, the burglar had finished.

“Elf Bindweed, I think we can send this present, don’t you?”

“Yes Guv’ner, I’ll get the present wrapped. I can get him ready before the sleigh has to leave.” With that Elf Bindweed dragged the sobbing boy out of the room by his ankles. He retrieved his sack and carried it in his other hand

They came to Elf Bindweed’s workshop. The present was chained by the neck so that he could sit on a stool by a work-bench. Elf Bindweed then cut the bindings round his legs, toes, arms, thumbs and wrists. He gave him a jockstrap and several lengths of tinsel.

“That’s what you’ll be wearing when you’re delivered. Make it festive. Make a really good job of it. Just follow the dotted lines.” So saying Elf bindweed handed over a needle and a reel of strong button thread. Looking at the jockstrap the skinny kid noticed a lot of pen lines all over it. He started by sewing a length of tinsel around the top of the waistband. He wasn’t so stupid as to forget to stretch the elastic as he sewed. He added another length of tinsel round the bottom of the waistband. The next application was two spirals round the straps. The final touches were strips of tinsel down each side of the support and one more up the middle.

Once he had finished, Elf Bindweed checked the burglar’s work and told him to put the garment on. “OK, stand up, let’s have a look”

The embarrassed boy stood and, on command, gave a twirl. Elf Bindweed proclaimed himself satisfied. He then un-chained him and bound him in just the same way as the skinhead had been tied up. Well nearly, he did replace the ball gag and dressed it with gift tape. Then he appended a gift tag. The Elf then lifted the skinny kid into his present sack. It was as if he’d weighed less than a Christmas bauble. The chain was padlocked in place and Elf Cobweb helped to throw the present into the sleigh. That caused the inevitable muffled protests as he landed on several others. The two Elves exchanged satisfied grins.

TBC

[LK3869]

I sense some corrosive humor and a questionable christmas spirit here
Balaclava hats, a pimped van, this Santa and elves have style. And that car into the living room... Makes for an original Xmas mix and that's not that easy. Well done, as always.

Uh, and: is it me or placing it in the 'true stories' section is a gag in itself? I mean, we all know naughty boys and mans in hoods and leather gloves exist, but still...

[Xtc]

You can surely not be implying that this story is not true?!! I am shocked.

I MIGHT need to explain some of the magic later but, if you are an afficionado of Dr. Who, you should not need any explanation.

Humour corrosif, moi? Sûrement pas? I am deeply hurt

Thanks for the response. Joyeux Noel, mon ami.

[MaxRoper]

It says TBC, but, but, but... Christmas is OVER!

Do we have to wait til next year??

(Love the creatively spelled van markings. Perhaps that elf is an occasional contributor to the site.)

[Xtc]

Am I allowed a grin at that remark in brackets?

There are twelve days of Christmas. I shall probaly have time to complete the tale.

Thanks for the support.

[Xtc]

THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS AND HIS ELVES


Elf Starshine

In between the leaving and reappearance of Elf Bindweed Father Christmas continued his work.

“Ho, ho, ho! Who else has a present for me to inspect?”

A puzzled look came over the elderly gent’s face as three Elves appeared before him. Each had a present sack which didn’t seem to be as heavy as the previous ones had been. “Ho, ho, ho! What do we have here, my loyal Elves?”

“Three tiddlers, Boss.” replied Elf Starshine. Then he and his two colleagues emptied their sacks onto the floor. Elf Starshine had sparkling green eyes and moved like a cat. He wasn’t as big as the previous two Elves but not many presents managed to evade him. He always managed to deliver; no recipient had ever been disappointed on Christmas morning. The other two Elves, Eyebright and Dewfall were also no slouches at their jobs.

Three squirming smaller kids were rolling on the floor at the feet of the “Boss”. They’d been well tutored. Each one frantically tried to kneel. Their attempts to face Father Christmas caused much mirth among the assembled Elves.

“Ho, ho, ho! I think you’ll find I’m over here,” boomed the Ancient One. The presents scrabbled around on their knees trying to face the voice. The Elves made any necessary fine adjustments with their boots. “Bring me that one,” demanded Father Christmas pointing at a dark-haired eleven-year old. Elf Starshine picked him up by the hog-tie rope, not the boy’s favourite method of travel. He carried him onto the platform where his boss was sitting, knelt him down and removed his gag. The squeal as the festive Sellotape was ripped off his face served to alarm both the other presents.

“Ho, ho, ho! And have you been a very good boy this year?”

“N – N – No, Santa.” At this stage the poor kid wet himself.

“What do you have to say for yourself?”

Between the sobs the little kid explained whilst vainly trying to alleviate his discomfort. He was one of the young lads who always hung around the village pizza place every Saturday. Nothing wrong with that but . . . Next door to the pizza place there was a cafe with a patio. Elderly patrons were fed up with his climbing over the wall and dropping onto the outdoor tables. He would also collide with things and even people whenever he landed unsteadily. He would then go back over again to re-join his friends, usually having rescued their football.

“I’m sorry, Father Christmas, honest. I won’t do it again.”

“And what are you going to do to apologise to those people?”

Little Jack, that was his name, repeated his well-rehearsed routine. He knew that, if he didn’t get it right, he’d be handed back to Elf Starshine and his colleagues. He wanted his ordeal over with; he didn’t want the Elves to “reason with him” any more.

“Ho, ho, ho! Sounds like you’ve learnt your lesson, young man. Wrap the present attractively and put him in the sleigh.”

Jack plucked up all his courage. “Please, Father Christmas, can I change out of these wet trousers?”

“Ho, ho, ho. Of course you may. What have you brought to change into?”

Jack spotted the snag. “N – N – Nothing, Sir.”

“Please don’t call me “Sir”, I’m Father Christmas.” (You have to imagine Brian Blessed at this stage.)

“Sorry, sorry, please Father Christmas, I’ll stink. I can’t be a present like this.”

“Elf Starshine, take this poor little boy away and help him out of his predicament.”

“Yes, Boss.” So saying the Elf picked up the crying boy and dumped him unceremoniously into his present sack.

“I wish you wouldn’t call me ‘Boss’”, said Father Christmas wearily.

“OK, Guv’ner!” came the cheery response as the Elf hoisted the present sack over his shoulder. Father Christmas sighed. His staff was unbeatable, they were superb, each one was brilliant at his job. But what happened to respect for old age and position?

“Next!” demanded Father Christmas with a sigh but without the usual “Ho, ho, ho!”

Elf Eyebright tipped out his present for the boss’s inspection. Meanwhile Elf Starshine took Jack to his workshop. First Jack was gagged again; usual method complete with festive Sellotape. Then Elf Starshine issued his instructions. He undid the boy’s hog-tie rope and hung him rather like Elf Bindweed had done with his present. Jack could stand and even bend a little and could sit on a stool near the work bench. Elf Starshine removed Jack’s blindfold and, following horrible threats, untied his wrists and ankles.

“OK, whip ‘em off.”

Jack looked alarmed but a quick look at Elf Starshine convinced him to do as he’d been told. With some difficulty Jack slipped off his shoes and removed his trousers and his sodden boxers. He made a pathetic attempt to preserve his modesty with his hands and his pulled down sweatshirt.

“Don’t bother with that nonsense; you’ve got work to do. You can’t be presented like that. You’ll have to make yourself a loin-cloth. Hold this up.” With that, Elf Starshine passed a rectangle of red fabric between the boy’s legs. Jack had to hold it up both fore and aft. Elf Starshine then wrapped a leather thong twice round the boy’s waist tying it in a clove hitch. A reef knot fastened the belt in place and Jack was told to drop the fabric. The red cloth now hung down in front of and behind its wearer. It looked rather like a much shorter, scrunched up version of a Native American breech cloth.

“Alright, take off your sweatshirt.” Jack did so. “And your t-shirt.” As he did so, Jack thought that at least he would still be decent. Elf Starshine then adjusted the thong until it sat down on the present’s hips. He achieved this by jerking the ends of the “garment” forcibly downwards. That caused Jack to squeal and panic quite considerably. The squeal was effectively muffled by his gag. Jack’s hands moved quickly to comfort his aching privates as panic shone in his eyes.

“Now you have to complete your garment. I’ll mark it out for you.” Elf Starshine took a marker and drew two lines below the line of the leather thong. “Right, take it off and get sewing.” Reluctantly Jack slipped the fabric free from the belt and then untied the belt. He made inadequate attempts to cover himself with is hands as the Elf lifted him onto the stool. After that he gave up the attempt.

Elf Starshine showed Jack how to sew ducts into the cloth to accommodate the leather thong. It didn’t take Jack long to complete his costume and to tie it into place. He only hoped he had managed to tie the thong belt tightly enough at his hips. “OK spread it out a bit.” Once Jack had adjusted the crude garment as best he could, Elf Starshine tied him up again. He lifted him into his sack and took him back to Father Christmas.

Meanwhile, Jack’s fellow presents had been allowed to confess and make their offers of restitution. They didn’t have to confess to climbing the wall. They did, however, admit to causing a minor car accident by kicking their football across the road. By the time Jack had returned, the other two boys were stripped to their underpants and re-tied. All that remained was to sack them up and they were ready to go. Elves Starshine, Eyebright and Dewfall then lifted their sacks onto their shoulders. They took them over to the sleigh and threw them in with very little ceremony.

As the Elves left to prepare for the night’s deliveries, they noticed that the “Boss” was still working.

“Ho, ho, ho! Ah young Dmitri, I’m Old Grandfather Frost. And have you been a very good boy this year? . . .” He was speaking perfect Russian to the frightened blonde boy but all the Elves could understand. . . .

Magic and Science

Of course I don’t expect all my readers to believe this story. After all, how could Father Christmas and his Elves make all the deliveries in a single night? The answer is simple: a combination of magic and science. You’ve already read about the magic used by Elves Cobweb and Bindweed. I have also told you that everyone can understand what Father Christmas says. You have heard about the magic the Old Man uses to cause people to be forgotten. There is much more magic, some of which doesn’t occur in this story and some that does.

How they have time to deliver presents to every household in the world is simple science. Father Christmas and his Elves exist in a parallel dimension. Their time-scale is completely different from ours. He has obtained technology from Gallifrey. How else could he get all those presents – and all his Elves – into one transit van? They even have to get the Robin Reliant in. I think that explains that adequately. Now back to the story.

The Night Before Christmas

Before starting the night’s deliveries, Father Christmas needed to complete his costume. Remembering his dignity, he picked up the holly wreath and replaced it casually on his head. “Bloody thing. Whose idea was all these prickles? Irritates like nobody’s business.” The Elves were used to this; they have to tolerate it every year. One year Elf Yewtree suggested that, as “The Boss”, Father Christmas could dress as he liked. “Bloody nonsense. People expect to see me looking like this. Can’t disappoint my public.” The Elves all looked at one another ruefully. Nobody bothered to suggest that again. And that was over four-hundred years ago, Elf-time.

“All aboard.” called Elf Yewtee, whose job it was to keep everything on track. In no time at all (Earth-time) hundreds of Elves and millions of presents were loaded. Most of the presents were just the normal type: socks, video games, naughty undies, etc. But the amount of room taken up in the sleigh by naughty boys would surprise most of you. The rest of this story will concentrate on the deliveries of the youngsters you have already met.

TBC

[Xtc]

Tomorrow is Twelfth Night and I shall be disturbing the peace in a nearby town as part of a Wassailing Party. Here is the last chapter (for this season) of the true story of "The Real Father Christmas and his Elves".

[Xtc]

THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS AND HIS ELVES


Present Jack

The first delivery was Jack. He was delivered to the cafe owner’s bedroom by Elf Starshine. The Elf took him out of his sack, removed the blindfold and gag, and rearranged the gift tag. Elf Starshine waited until the sound of sleigh bells signalled the departure of the sleigh. Actually, sleigh bells were what any attentive humans would have heard. Elf Starshine heard “La Cucaracha” on the van’s horn. Elf Bindweeed was obviously driving. “Right boy, Get on with it and get it right.”

Jack looked at Elf Starshine and noticed once more the festive bovver boots. He didn’t particularly want to meet them any more intimately. “Hmm, Hmm,” he coughed, quite gently, trying to wake Elizabeth and her husband.

“Louder, boy.” Elf Starshine’s green eyes glared through his balaclava.

“Hmm, Hmm.” Once he’d left the boy to panic for a few attempts, Elf Starshine took pity. He took the customary sleeping spell off the couple. Jack could have crawled down the nearest crack in the floor-boards. There he was, dressed like Tarzan, kneeling hog-tied on his neighbours’ floor. He went through his apology routine. He offered to collect the “dirties” every weekend and every Friday in August of next year. That was always a bind for Elizabeth’s staff. She was surprised, to say the least, to see a loincloth-clad boy kneeling there and apologising. She thought that a smart white shirt and black trousers would be more appropriate for work. She thanked the cute little Elf for delivering her present and went back to sleep. The state in which Elizabeth saw Elf Starshine really hadn’t dawned on Jack. All he could see was the bovver-booted thug. Elizabeth and her husband lay down their heads again and went back to sleep.

Elf Starshine gagged and blindfolded the nearly naked boy who was by now shaking with cold. When he was in the sack once more, the chill disappeared. It did, though, seem to take forever until the sleigh returned. Elf Starshine was the last to load his sack into the sleigh for the return journey.

Other Deliveries

Elves Eyebright and Dewfall reported that they had uneventful nights. Their two presents had apologised to a couple of drivers each. They also promised to wash people’s cars for free in the supermarket car park every weekend of next August. None of their recipients, of course, saw the Elves in their true form. As far as they were concerned, the Elf was just as they’d expect. They saw a little guy with a jerkin, pointy shoes, pointy ears and a pointy hat.

Everything seemed to have gone smoothly. Elf Bindweed had loaded the pale, skinny burglar into the Reliant Robin and taken him to all four victims in turn. He made various offers of restitution whilst kneeling wearing just his festively decorated jockstrap. He was going to have to do domestic work, maintenance and gardening for each of his victims. Only five days each if he could return what he had stolen but ten days if he couldn’t. That would make sure he was busy throughout the summer holiday. Elf Bindweed then gagged and blindfolded the youth again but with gorilla tape this time. There was no need to bother with the seasonal Sellotape now. The Robin Reliant then headed off for HQ(NP) again. Elf Bindweed knew he could make it back before the sleigh. He could then get on with warming the mince pies and mulling the cider. The Elves liked to let their hair down after a busy night’s work.

Elf Cobweb had had fun too. He had delivered the skinhead yobbo to Mrs. Robinson’s house and forced him to kneel. Once there he had to offer to do all the old dear’s shopping every day of the next summer break. Even worse: he also had to take her appalling toy poodle for a walk twice a day. As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough for a “tough” teenager, it was pink! He certainly wasn’t getting much of a summer holiday next year. Elf Cobweb more or less mummified the boy’s head with gorilla tape. He then returned him to the sack and waited for the return of the sleigh. While waiting, the Elf explained to Mrs. Robertson what the boy had to do. First he would have to strip and put on only the pyjama trousers that he was wearing again. He’d then have to fasten the stiff ribbon and the gift tag round his neck and report for duty. The yobbo was getting less and less happy with each passing sentence.

“Don’t worry, Thicko.” said Elf Cobweb giving his charge an encouraging boot up the bum. “As long as you dress properly, only Mrs. Robinson and you will see the pj’s. Everyone else will think you’re dressed properly. The Boss will explain later. You’d just better hope you don’t grow too much before next August. Oh, and if you manage to “lose” them, you’ll need to go to work naked.”

A whimper escaped the boy’s gag. Old Father Christmas could obviously use his magic to facilitate the illusion but more of that later.

On Our Sleigh Home

Before too long, the sleigh arrived and Elf Cobweb loaded his sack for the return journey. At least this time Elf Bindweed wasn’t at the wheel. As they flew home, some passengers were obviously happier than others. The seasonal songs started with “Jingle Bells, Batman smells . . .” Once that had paled there was: “We three Kings of orient are, one in a taxi, one in a car, . . .” After that came that eternal favourite, “Stop the Cavalry”. “Elves will be Elves.” thought the Old Boy as they passed round the elderberry wine. But he did hope that Elf Yewtree would put his foot down a bit.

The Elves passed the journey happily enough singing and drinking whilst seated on the sacks. Every so often, when one of the contents wriggled, he would feel the back of a DM. That hint, accompanied by an encouraging remark, was usually quickly taken. The journey passed in a trice for the Elves; after all, what’s a few hours to an Elf? It didn’t pass quite so quickly for the unfortunate presents. They were glad to feel the white van landing once more and to feel themselves being unloaded. As if they hadn’t already been tortured enough, by now the four-ale choir was in full cry.

Final Assembly

“Ho ho (Ho ho), Ho ho (ho ho), Ho ho (Ho ho), Ho ho (ho ho),
And jingle, jingle, jing-a-jing-jing, and merry may we be,
And jingle, jingle comes this way, he comes with a Christmas tree
A Christmas tree, a Christmas tree, a Christmas tree, a Chriiiiiiiistmas tree!”

The presents were unloaded and carried to Old Father Christmas’s throne room. There was time for the full horror of all eight verses and choruses before the Elves started anew. Fortunately they only had time for three verses of “While Shepherds Watched . . .” Unfortunately it was that bloody awful “Sweet Chiming Christmas Bells” version. The sacks were deposited on the floor and the contents decanted. By that stage, the presents would have preferred to be listening to Justin Bieber.

By that stage even Father Christmas had taken a little sloe gin. He was sitting comfortably having slung the annoying holly wreath into a corner. “Ho, ho, ho. And have we all had a jolly time?” The kneeling presents didn’t know whether they were supposed to answer or not. The gags took the decision out of their bound hands. “Well, my fine Elves, I think Elf Yewtree and I can take care of things from here. Off you go and enjoy yourselves. And Elf Bindweed, do try to keep out of Fairy Snowflake’s knickers this year. We need her back in the grotto next year. You know, I must have delivered zillions of presents over the centuries. I can still never think what to give a three-month-old.”

“It’s alright, Boss, he’s already useless: too much dandelion wine while he was doing the mince pies.”

“Thank you, Elf Cobweb but please don’t call me “Boss”.

“OK Boss, sorry!”

The Elves disappeared to continue their partying. Father Christmas knew he had a wonderful workforce but some of them were so young. Looking at them as they made their merry way, he could see several that weren’t even 300 years old. Nevertheless, he looked on with pride. “Ho, ho, ho,” he confided to his oldest friend, “They’re good boys.”

“Yes, Old Friend,” agreed Elf Yewtree, “But we’d better get back to work.”

“Ho, ho, ho. You’re right. Let’s get their eyes free.”

Once the tape had been removed, each present heard Father Christmas address him personally. The magic had cut in again. Each boy saw a video of what had happened to him and received an explanation. This is what it boiled down to. You’ve lost your summer holiday. Dress as you are. Don’t forget your gift tags. Only your victims and you will be able to see what you really look like. Everyone else will see the uniform you can see here. (All except Jack, who saw a smart black and white outfit, saw the same uniform. They saw themselves in blue cargo shorts and yellow t-shirts. On each t-shirt “snow-capped” red writing announced, “Santa’s Little Helper.”) Failure to dress as you are and you will have to work naked. Again most people will not be able to see you like that, but you will and your victims will. If you wear anything different, everyone else will see you naked. Magic is a wonderful thing.

“Now are there any questions? No? Good.”

Old Father Christmas and Elf Yewtree made their unsteady way down the corridor. They didn’t think they’d join the youngsters’ party. “They’re such good kids. But some of those fairies do have very obliging natures.”

“Yes Boss.”

“Please don’t call me Boss.”

“Oops sorry, Santa.”

“Or Santa, pleeease. They’ll think I’m an American.” Elf Yewtree grinned; he knew how to wind-up his oldest friend.

“You know, all this ‘Ho, ho-bloody-ho’ doesn’t half knacker your voice.” So the two old friends continued uncertainly to their chambers. Each by now carried a no longer full bottle of sloe gin. They seemed to have forgotten the frightened boys who were still bound and gagged. Surely they weren’t going to leave them kneeling there and uncertain about their immediate fates?

On Christmas Day In the Morning

Christmas morning dawned. The skinhead youth awoke and sat up with a start. That must have been quite some dream. Sweat was rolling down his bare chest and back and channelling between the cheeks of his arse. He swung his pyjama-clad legs over the side of the bed and slowly regained his composure. Then he looked down and saw the thick ribbon and the gift tag. It said: A Present From Father Christmas.

The burglar also woke with a start. He looked over to where his little brother was still asleep. Then something made him look underneath his duvet. Oh, shit! How was he going to get out of bed without risking his brother seeing that jockstrap? He decided to wait it out, pretending to be asleep. He hoped that the excitement of Christmas morning would get to his brother soon. He didn’t have to wait long until his brother leapt out of bed with a whoop. His brother couldn’t work out why he didn’t immediately spring out of bed too. He soon gave up bouncing on his big brother and went to collect his presents. The burglar still clung desperately onto his duvet and waited ‘til he thought it was safe.

Jack thought, “Funny dream. Never mind - loot time!” He then sprang out of bed shaking his head to clear it. He trampled over the pile of clothes on the floor without noticing how tidily they had been piled. His hand was on the bedroom door handle before he looked down and noticed what he was wearing. That was a narrow escape. He had no idea how he would have explained the loin-cloth to his parents or to his big sister. He retreated to think things out and noticed the gift tag in the wreckage of his pile of clothing.

The other two boys awoke and found their gift tags. They reminded them of things to come. They dressed very carefully. Now all they had to do was hope that their families didn’t notice the rope-burns.

Christmas would never, ever be the same again.

(((((-----00000-----)))))-----00000-----(((((-----00000-----)))))

THE END - - - - FOR NOW!

[Xtc]

So, with Twelfth Night tomorrow, the season comes to an end.
But remember: be good because the Elves are on the lookout and they hate being idle.

[MaxRoper]

One way to stay on Father Christmas's good side is to take a moment and say Thank You to XTC and any other authors whose work you enjoy.

Thank You [mention]Xtc[/mention]!

[Xtc]

Thanks for that idea!

[Xtc]

I am commanded by Father Christmas to post this appeal on behalf of Elves Cobweb & Bindweed:

Dict8ed by Elf Cobweb & txted by Elf Bindweed
cum on u lot get ur letters rit n sent up the chimnees if u dont rat on the bad kids me n him is goin 2 ave 2 deliver train sets n blackbrees n sox this xmus n thats just boreing
pls tell us who ort 2 be presents this year
we need to no there names addresses discripshuns n watt thayv dun 2 dserv it
th ol man wont let us take volunteers help us pleas

Elf Yewtree
(pp Old Father Christmas)

PS for all those prurient people who are asking: no, Fairy Snowflake is NOT, as the uncouth have asked, “up the duff” this year.

Y

[Xtc]

THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS AND HIS ELVES

The Elves are Depressed.

“Oh, come on, Santa, what are we going to do?”

“Please don’t call me Santa.”

“Oops! Sorry, Boss”. Old Father Christmas heaved a heavy sigh. He never expected visitors at this hour. He hadn’t even had time to get his green leather jerkin on before the Elves appeared in his rooms. He was even still in his pointed slippers: the sort that people expect to see his Elves wearing. Elves Cobweb and Bindweed were in quite an agitated state. It was September already and they’d found only two miscreants since last Christmas. They didn’t want to have to deliver toys, dreadful knitwear and socks on this Christmas Eve. They didn‘t even want to deliver the latest electronic gadgets. Their job was always to deliver the naughty kids and that’s what they wanted to do.

“I’m sorry, boys, you’re just too good at your jobs, there simply aren’t any naughty boys any more. They’ve all seen the error of their ways. I’m afraid it’s the tedious round of deliveries for your team this year. In any case, you two have already got a present each to deliver. Have you thought about what you’re going to do to them yet?”

“Yes, but what about the rest of the team?” Elf Bindweed sidelined Father Christmas’s attempt to distract him. Unsuccessfully! “Elf Dewfall’s so depressed, he’s started hitting the dandelion wine. We’re just as likely to find him in the khazi as in the lounge area these days.”

“Language, young Elf.”

“Sorry Guv’ner.”

“Please don’t call me ‘Guv’ner”.

“Oh, sorry, Santa. But Elves Eyebright and Starshine aren’t looking too sparkling either.”

“That is certainly very worrying. Is there going to be any scope at all for me to go, ‘Ho, ho ho!’ during this conversation? You know my fans expect it.”

“I’m sorry, Father Christmas, this is serious.”

“Yes, I’m sorry. But it’s far too early in the day to think about this. I’m sure I’ll be able to think more clearly once I’m on the outside of my breakfast.”

-----(((((00000)))))-----

A pair of kippers, a bowl of kedgeree and a few devilled kidneys later, the Elves found him again.

“Oh bugger! I thought you wouldn’t find me if I hid in the Library.”

“Look Boss, the workers are revolting.” It was a poor attempt at a joke and the Old Man didn’t rise to it. “We’ve got to find them some presents to deliver. It’s a waste of skilled workers just getting them to deliver unwanted tat. Most of it’s just been bought at the last minute in any case.”

“Have you tried getting the readers of that “Tie-up” site you’re always reading to rat on their friends?”

“Yes, I dictated something for Elf Cobweb to write and Elf Yewtree posted it for us.”

“Are you sure that’s the way round you two did it?” The thought of Elf Cobweb’s writing being posted for all to see was not going to be a good advert.

“Equal opportunities, Boss.” Father Christmas thought that there were times when his Elves were too politically correct.

“And what response did you get?”

“How many snowflakes settle on the blazing Yule Log?”

“OK, I’ll get that Cholmondley fellow to write this bit of our story up and see what response that gets. At least one of their readers ought to know someone who hasn’t been a good boy.”

“Thanks, Boss.”

“And what about those foolish fellows who wished that they could have been presents last year?”

“It’s no fun with volunteers. They enjoy themselves too much.”

“Could they not disguise their identities?”

“S’pose so. As long as we didn’t know what they’d done.”

“Very well, my faithful Elves, let’s see what this appeal produces. Now where’s that bottle of sloe gin? Ah! There it is. Ho, ho, ho!”

[Xtc]

Well, I wonder if the elves will find any naughty boys this year.

[Xtc]

Ah, good news: I think we've found a candidate.

[Xtc]

Now, don't forget to send your notes to Old Father Christmas. It's not too late and there are several Elves who are getting desperate for something to do.

Here's an account of the latest develpoments.

[Xtc]

THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS – AND HIS ELVES


Jessica’s Brother

“Surprise!” Bet you didn’t expect to see me now, did you?”

Jessica’s brother certainly did not! He saw Elf Starshine as he really was. At just shy of six foot tall, he wasn’t the tallest of the Elves. Even so, the tinsel did little to cancel the effect of the bovver boots, balaclava and black clothing. Elf Starshine’s green eyes darted round the room as Moses came to. His first thought, as he sat up in bed, was flight. However, he was too sleepy and the feline Elf Starshine was too quick.

It was a good job that Elf Starshine had stopped time for everyone else in the house. The boy crashed to the floor under his tackle, winded and confused.

“Naughty, naughty. My boss wants a little word with you.” Moses shouted but no one heard him. “Shout all you like, no one else can hear you but it will be so much less painful if you cooperate.” With his arms trapped in a full-nelson and the Elf astride him, Mo was starting to believe him. When his head was knocked none too hard against the floor, he really did believe him.

“Good. Now you be a good boy and we’ll soon be out of here.” Mo tried to nod. “Promise?” With one more “little tap” on the floor, Moses promised.

Further details of the abduction of Jessica’s big brother are not really necessary here. Suffice to say that it involved rope and an uncomfortable ride in Rudolf, the Robin Reliant. It also involved the usual festive present sack.


Jimmy and Jake

It was their busiest time of year and Elves Cobweb and Bindweed were sharing “Santas Slay”. Maybe they did only have a couple of litterlouts to deal with but these two were worth it. That fire in the litterbin and the frequent littering of their neighbours’ gardens made them so. They were also an easy capture as they always hid in the woods when they went for a secret smoke. Their way home would then be festooned with coke cans, chip papers, dog-ends, fag packets, etc.

As you know, even Elves as tall as these two can move noiselessly when necessary. With the darkness of the evening and the attire of the Elves, Jimmy and Jake had no chance. Jimmy was a slim, pale, strawberry blonde with pouty lips. Jake was tall and rather “baggy” with a round head and mousey hair cut short and rather raggedly. That Christmas Eve, both boys were soon sharing an over-sized present sack. They certainly weren’t too old to be taken to see Father Christmas!


Here We Go Again

Both vehicles arrived at HQ(NP) at more or less the same time and Elf Yewtree swung into action. He went to announce the arrival of the latest visitors to HQ(NP). He took the "Old Boy" somewhat by surprise.

“Oh bugger, is it that time of year already? Hang on a minute, I’ll be there directly. Just need to do my vocal exercises.” The Old Boy buckled the enormous belt round his robe as Elf Yewtree left for the loading bay. “Ho! - Me, me, me, me, - HOOO! That’s better. Ho, Ho, Ho! (cough, splutter, hawk). I really must practice in the off-season. Here we go again: Ho, ho, ho! - Meeery Christmas! Ho, ho ho! I really must find a new catchphrase.” So saying Old Father Christmas grabbed the new holly wreath and left his private chamber. As he made his way to the “Throne Room”, he took a last chance for a gargle with sloe gin. He’d only just had time to seat himself when the Elves arrived with the first of the year’s presents.

“Ho, ho, ho! And what have you brought for my inspection this year, my faithful Elves?”


The First of the New Consignment

Elves Cobweb and Bindweed hefted an over-sized sack into the Presence and dropped it.

“Oops! That was careless of you, Elf Bindweed.”

“Yes, I’m so sorry, Elf Cobweb.”

“Never mind all that nonsense, you two, just get it opened.”

The chain was unlocked and removed and the contents of the sack decanted unceremoniously. None of the Elves could resist laughing.

“Why on earth did you do that to them?”

“Oh, come on, Santa, it was a laugh. Sorry, I mean ‘Father Christmas’.”

“Yeah, and besides, it IS Christmas.” In truth, even the Old Man himself could hardly suppress a chuckle as they rolled out of the sack. The two scantily clad boys had been taped chest to chest. They were desperate not to come face to face in case it looked like they were kissing. That didn’t prevent the ribald remarks from the assembled company.

“Very well,” said Father Christmas, “let’s take a look at them.” He hoped he would be able to regain his composure by the time the presents could see again. The socks that covered their eyes were yanked off. The festive Sellotape that held them in place pulled unpleasantly on their hair. It was probably a good job for the more delicate Elves that the other socks were still in place. They had been jammed into the unfortunate yobbos’ mouths and taped over many times.

Being able to see their surroundings struck the presents dumb. So, there really IS a Father Christmas! “Ho, ho, ho! And what do you think of your new home, my fine fellows?” Once they had recovered, their answers would not have borne repeating here. What a good job they were unintelligible.

“Talk to them, please. I DO regret unpleasantness; it doesn’t do my reputation any good, you know.” The two boys succumbed to reason quite quickly. You could tell that by the look of terror in their eyes as they looked from one Elf to the other. “Thank you, my good Elves, Ho, ho, ho! I think they better understand their situation now.

“In a moment my good Elves here are going to separate you. May I suggest that you behave? Well, may I?” The Elves moved in again and Jimmy and Jake nodded enthusiastically. “Good, I’m sure we don’t want any more unpleasantness, do we?” There was a pause before two heads shook rather tentatively. Every time the boys moved, the effect they had on one another enhanced the mirth of the onlookers.

The pair was forced to stand up. Elf Bindweed started unwrapping the presents while Elf Cobweb held them still. The non-festive gorilla tape came away with many muffled screams, and not a little leg-hair. Even once Jimmy and Jake had been separated, their ankles, knees and arms were still bound. They stood tottering and looking red raw while the Elves enjoyed their discomfiture.

“Do you really think all that tinsel was a good idea?”

“I thought it looked festive.”

“Yes. They wanted to look jolly. - Didn’t you?” As Elf Cobweb put it to them like that, they thought it would be wiser to nod enthusiastically.

“Very well, take them away and help them to see the error of their ways. I’ll see them again when you think they’re ready to be delivered. Ho, ho, ho! Who’s next?”

Elves Cobweb and Bindweed dropped a present sack over each of their charges and laid them down. Once the sacks had been pulled over their feet, the litterlouts felt themselves hoisted off the ground. Soon they were scrunched in the bottom of the sacks as the Elves slung them across their shoulders.
There then followed a none-too-tuneful two-Elf chorus of, “Hey, ho, hey ho, it’s off to work we go.” It receded into the distance as Jimmy and Jake were carried to the workshop.

“Ah, so this is Moses.” boomed the Old Man as the next present fell out of a sack and onto the floor. “I’ve heard about you.” As Elf Starshine hauled him to his knees, Mo looked around unable to believe what he was seeing.

He still wore the knee length, black cotton shorts and blue t-shirt that was his accustomed night-wear. Other than that, his hands had been bound palm to palm behind him. To add to his discomfort, his elbows had been drawn very close together. He was also hobbled so that he could still walk – just - but could not run. He decided that he needed to explain himself.

“Please. I’ll change. Honest. I’ll be much nicer to my sister.”

“That will do! Be quiet and listen. I see you know why you are here. I’m afraid you have not been a very good boy this year.” The customary “Ho, ho, ho” was missing from Father Christmas’s other catchphrase. “This good Elf will take you and get you ready to be Jessica’s present. You will then be loaded onto the sleigh and delivered. I don’t think I will need to speak to you again.”

Mo didn’t dare to say anything more as Elf Starshine looped a rope round his neck. He was then led, rather faster than was comfortable, from the Presence and towards the workshops.

[harveygasson]

Lovely little addition for this year

[Xtc]

Thank you. The Elves are still on the lookout.

[Xtc]

THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS – AND HIS ELVES


The Tale of Jake & Jimmy

By the time Jimmy and Jake met Father Christmas again, they were rather more contrite. They must have spent at least three days at the mercy of the Elves but it was still Christmas Eve. How that could be, they just didn’t understand.

All they knew at the minute was that they were still hurting quite a lot and not very well dressed. Now they had to tell their stories to Father Christmas properly or stay at the “North Pole” for a year. They might not have understood how that would be possible but now they did, at least, believe it. They were determined to make themselves VERY suitable presents.

Once they’d been tipped out of the sacks, the boys were made to kneel side by side. Jake was regretting his choice of mini-briefs as underwear. They were the only garment he’d been allowed to wear since his abduction. At least Jimmy had his somewhat over-sized maroon boxers. The ropes tying Jake’s wrists, arms and ankles had pretty gold threads running through them. Jimmy’s ropes were decorated with silver and both lads had present labels attached to their necks.

“Ho, ho, ho! And have you two been very good boys this year? Please, tell me what happened to you.”

Jake and Jimmy looked nervously at one another. Jimmy took a deep breath and started, “Well, we were minding our own business having a smoke in the woods when these two appeared.” Both presents looked towards Elves Cobweb and Bindweed. “And they chained us to trees.”

“Yes,” continued Jake, “they chained our necks tightly to the trunks and started asking us questions.”

“Yes, and every time I got one wrong they cut off an item of clothing.” Old Father Christmas raised an eyebrow.

“Well, not wrong exactly, Jimmy, let’s be honest. We did tell one or two lies at first, Sir.” There was much smirking around the room. “By the time I only had my briefs left, I’d told them everything.”

“Me too. I wish I’d been honest earlier.”

“Yes, then what?”

“They got lots of black tape and taped our ankles, knees, wrists and arms together.”

“And had you learned your lesson by then?”

Following an embarrassed silence, both boys bowed their heads.

“No, they hadn’t, Father Christmas. Perhaps they want to tell you about it.”

“Thank you, Elf Bindweed, I’m sure the young men will be only too prepared to do so now. Well boys, I’m waiting but this is a very busy night for me so I’d appreciate it if you got on with it. – Unless you’d rather stay ‘til next Christmas?”

“No, please, let me carry on.” Jimmy seemed to be getting the hang of things. “Well, once we’d told them what they wanted to know, they shoved one of HIS socks into MY mouth! That was gross.”

“Yours were no better!”

“Ho, ho, ho! Now, now, boys, play nicely together.”

“Sorry! Sorry! Then they plastered stupid Christmas Sellotape all round our heads. We couldn’t spit the socks out.”

“They even twisted tinsel round our arms and necks.” The Elves smirked. “Then they taped the other socks over our eyes.”

“And did THAT teach you a lesson?”

“Yes, Santa.”

“Then why did they tape you together in that humiliating manner? And please don’t call me ‘Santa’.” The two boys blushed and looked at the floor. The two Elves grinned. “Well?”

“As soon as I’d been unchained from the tree, I started trying to wriggle free.”

“Ho, ho, ho! Wasn’t that rather pointless, my boy?” There was no answer.

Obviously Father Christmas already knew all about their misdemeanours and their abduction. It’s just that the presents needed to be made to admit the former and to re-live the latter. Jimmy and Jake eventually recounted the way they’d been taped face to face and delivered. They also listed all the neighbours whose properties they had littered and tried to say they were sorry.

Father Christmas addressed the contrite litterlouts. He told them that they would be taken to some of their victims to apologise. He also told them that they would learn their punishments then. At least, when the socks were taped to them this time, they had been washed. This time also they got individual sacks and were soon thrown into the white transit van.


Moses the Tailor

Elf Starshine dragged Moses to his workshop where he sat him on a stool in front of the workbench. The customary chain was looped around his neck before his arms were freed. The Elf allowed him some time to massage his arms and exercise his aching shoulders. As he did so, Moses wondered why there was a sewing machine on the workbench. He was soon to find out.

“Can you use one of these?”

“I used one in DT last year.”

“Were you any good?”

“So, so.”

“Well, you’ve got a couple of hours to become good. Hem this.”

Following Elf Starshine’s detailed instructions Mo soon had several pieces of fabric neatly hemmed. It wasn’t too obvious to Moses what they were for but none of them was very big. Even when they had been sewn together their use wasn’t obvious. The next stage was to attach several layers of ruched pink netting. Mo was suspicious: why was he making a ra-ra skirt? His worst suspicions were confirmed with his mentor’s next question, “What’s your waist-size?”

“No, please, I can’t wear this!

“It’s your own fault if it’s not a very good job.”

“No, that’s not what I mean; I CAN’T wear a short, pink, lacy skirt.”

“Oh, I think you can.”

“At least I’ll have my shorts, I suppose.”

“Really, what gives you that idea?” Moses couldn’t control himself and launched into some violence of the tongue. “THAT will be enough! I need your t-shirt.” With that, Elf Starshine took the pinking shears and cut the blue garment from the startled boy. With the chain round his neck, Mo couldn’t avoid the lithe Elf and was soon stripped to the waist. His freckled face blushed and even his rather pale torso coloured up somewhat. “Believe me, every time you refuse to co-operate, something unpleasant will happen.” As he was talking, Elf Starshine cut a piece from the back of what was once Mo’s sleep t-shirt. He folded it once and rolled it tightly. “Open up”. Moses considered refusing but something in the Elf’s tone convinced him otherwise.

Elf Starshine lodged the rolled fabric as far into Mo’s mouth as didn’t make him gag. He then told him to bite, not that much jaw compression was possible. It was time for the gorilla tape to make its appearance. Soon plenty of the black tape obscured Mo’s lower jaw and his face below his nose. Elf Starshine wasn’t satisfied with his work. “I don’t think that looks too festive, do you?” It was a rhetorical question. “I know . . .” The Elf went for some of that white Sellotape with holly on it. He applied a neat band around the top of the existing tape and stood back to admire his work. Having appraised it, he plastered a strip from ear to ear under Moses’s jaw. A further assessment still left his aesthetic senses unsatisfied. Once he’d formed a smiling mouth with tape, he was much happier.

“If you raise your hands to so much as chest level, you won’t even have a skirt to wear. Do you understand?” Mo gave him to understand that he did. “Right, let’s get this job finished.” A subdued Moses soon had the elastic attached to the waistband. That left just the drawstring to thread through it, a much easier job. “Hold it up. Let me see. No, it’s not right yet. I know.” It took Moses some time to add all the tinsel that Elf Starshine seemed to think was necessary. He held the garish creation up for the Elf’s appreciation. “That will do. Now put it on.”

Perched upon his stool, unable to drop his shoulders, Moses was having some difficulties. Elf Starshine decided to be helpful. Mo wasn’t happy! “Hold still and there shouldn’t be any unfortunate slips.” The pinking shears reappeared and a mortified Moses was left sitting in the wreckage of his pj shorts. His hands flew to make a somewhat vain attempt to preserve his dignity. The gag did at least subdue the sound of his sobbing somewhat. “Lift your feet.”

Jessica would have given up her entire “My Little Pony” collection for a photograph at this stage. Mo was precariously balanced on the stool and supported by the chain with his legs out straight. He didn’t dare use his arms for balance as his hands were otherwise employed. The Elf fed the hobble through the skirt and started working it up Mo’s legs. But, of course, Elves don’t photograph.

Mo placed his feet on the rung of the stool and lifted his bum off the seat. Elf Starshine quickly lifted the skirt into place trapping Moses’s wrists in the waistband. Mo sat once more. “OK, hands out before you start enjoying yourself.” Moses didn’t think that was as funny as the Elf seemed to think.

More festive Sellotape was pressed into service to pinion Mo’s arms to his sides. Elf Starshine got two dog-toy squeezy balls and put one into each of the boy’s hands. Every time Moses squeezed, they made a ridiculous squeaking noise. The presents’ hands were soon encased in gorilla tape. Elf Starshine had left Mo some room for squeezing just to add to his humiliation. Every so often he would order his subject to “squeeze” just for his entertainment. The festive Sellotape was efficiently employed to tape Mo’s wrists together. With the remains of his t-shirt bound round his eyes, Moses was freed from the chain. As he sang a merry song, Elf Starshine packed the present for transport. Even when he’d been thrown into the van, the Elf continued to demand that Mo “squeezed his balls”. His pleasures were simple but such things kept him cheerful.
 


TBC

[Xtc]

THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS – AND HIS ELVES


Jake’s Offer

Old Mr.& Mrs. Alexander were surprised to be woken up so early on Christmas morning. Once they had woken up and found their glasses, Elf Bindweed spoke to them.

They didn’t even think that it was strange to see the little Elf there. You know: old folks don’t usually believe in the pointy hat, ears and shoes. However everybody, in their subconscious, believes in such archetypical creatures. They were a little more surprised to see Jake bound and kneeling there. He might just as well have been naked. The skimpy mini-briefs that he favoured were doing little to cover his embarrassment. The gold tinsel that was draped around him did look jolly, though. Elf Bindweed had ensured that it echoed the gold threads in the ropes securing the present.

The Elf had removed Jamie’s socks from Jake’s face before he allowed the couple to wake up. He told the recipients that he had a present for them. Jake started to apologise and make his offer of restitution. The elderly couple was glad to accept his offer. He promised to keep their hedge trimmed throughout the next growing season. He then looked hopefully towards his abductor. Six foot plus of bovver booted Elf wasn’t smiling. Jake looked back at the old couple and continued. He offered to mow their lawn every Sunday in the summer as well. The Oldsters were really grateful and Jake thought that was it.

“And what else?” A little boot up the bum encouraged him to continue with his generous offer.

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry. When I’ve done your lawn and your hedge, I’ll clean all the windows in your bungalow.” By now Jake knew that he’d need all of Sunday morning to complete his task in the summer. He’d even have to work through the rest of the year as a window cleaner.

The Elf then caused the recipients to go back to sleep and explained what was to happen next. “I’m not going to gag you yet; you’ve got somebody else to see. I’ll just slip this over your head. You WON’T make any noise, will you?” Jake shook his head and Elf Bindweed blindfolded him with his Santa cap. He had to blindfold Jake so that he couldn’t see how he managed to leave the premises. He didn’t even bother to tape the cap on while he put Jake back in the present sack. He just slung him over his shoulder and explained certain things to him as he walked to the Starmers’.

“It’s a good job that you’re already a big boy. If you do much more growing, those knickers aren’t going to cover you at all. Yes, that’s what you have to wear when you work.” It was cold being carried along the street and Jake didn’t like what he was hearing. “Don’t worry, the only people who will be able to see you like that are you and your victims. The ones you’ve told us about, that is. Any others will see you naked and you’ll think you are as well. Is there anything you want to tell me?”

Jake shook his head and risked a “No, Sir.”

“Anyone else will see you in a special uniform. You’ll see that later.” Elf Bindweed then went through the usual warning routines. He warned about what would happen if Jake “lost” his briefs. He also explained what would happen if Jake failed to turn up for work. “You know one of the advantages of your situation? You won’t get a cold the whole year. Good eh?”

Jake was shivering as Elf Bindweed said, “Ah, here we are.” When Jake could see again he was in an ancient cottage with his back to an open wood fire. The Old couple sitting up late in comfortable armchairs seemed to have been expecting him. The venerable gentleman explained that he was getting on a bit and that was certainly true. He’d just “rescued” a large and boisterous dog and couldn’t exercise it adequately. After another fifteen minutes Jake had seen Sunday afternoons disappearing. He could also write off an hour every Tuesday and every Friday.

Once Jake had made his promises, Elf Bindweed wished the Starmers a “Merry Christmas”. He then used his cap to blindfold the present once more and slung him over his shoulder. It was cold when they were once more outside. Elf Bindweed wasted no time securing Jimmy’s socks into Jake’s mouth and over his eyes. He could then return the present to his sack and wait for the return of “Santas Slay”. At least, once he was in the sack this time, Jake was soon warm again.


Jimmy’s Generosity

Jimmy regretted having his ears pierced now but it did give Elf Cobweb a fun idea. Before Jimmy had been loaded into the sleigh, he had a Christmas tree bauble in each ear. He’d had to make similar offers to some of his victims as Jake had made. As there were no dogs for him to walk, he had to think of something else. He soon offered to sweep the pavements and clear them of litter as well. That was appropriate really but Jimmy didn’t like the idea of people seeing him doing that. Perhaps he had a lesson to learn. The Elf reminded him about wearing the same boxers to work if he didn’t want to look naked. At least, as the Elf remarked, there was plenty of room in them for him to grow. Jimmy didn’t find that as funny as the Elf seemed to as he was slipped into the sack.

The two Elves met up for a chat, dumped their present sacks on the pavement and sat on them. The two presents hoped that the return sleigh would not take long. They soon stopped wriggling after several booted attempts to “plump up” the “cushions”. It was probably less than an hour before the sound of the approaching sleigh could be heard. They both risked sighs of relief.

Elves Bindweed and Cobweb slung their sacks on board and climbed into the white van. The party was already in full swing as the sleigh took off to collect Elf Starshine. He was the last on the list.


Jessica and her Brother

When Jessica awoke she was gob-smacked to say the least. She saw her brother kneeling on her bedroom floor. He was bound with festive Sellotape, gagged and clad only in a bizarre, lacy, pink skirt. She shrieked with delight but, of course, no one else in the house would be able to hear her. Moses hoped that the shrieks would lead to his rescue. He just didn’t understand.

Jesicca heard the little Elf giggle as he explained her Christmas present. As long as he was “nice” to his sister, he would simply have to wear the skirt at weekends. If he wasn’t, he’d have to wear it to school as well. Not only that, but her best friends would be able to see his humiliating attire as well. All it would take to make that happen was for Jessica to call for the Elf’s assistance. She simply had to say, or even think, ”Starshine, Starshine, let my brother know he’s mine.” The message would reach HQ(NP) and Old Father Christmas would arrange a home visit.

“Do you want to have to hold the doggie-toys all weekend?” Elf Starshine was refining the punishment. Mo shook his head. “Good. You’d have found it hard doing your sister’s homework otherwise.” Mo was about to discover that there was more to it than just “being nice” to his sister. “Well, Jess, what would you like your lovely older brother to do for you?” Elf Starshine didn’t need to wait for a reply; he knew instantly what she wanted. “Moses, are you listening?” Moses nodded disconsolately. “You won’t mind if your sister gives you the odd makeover, will you?” Moses’s eyes opened in alarm. “Well, will you?” Moses knew there was no avoiding the embarrassment and simply shook his head.

“Right, there’s just one more thing. Moses is a bit worried about being naked under his skirt. I wonder if you could help him?” If it was possible, Mo’s eyes opened even wider as his sister went to her underwear drawer. So far he’d managed to remain silent but this outrage was the last straw. Even though he was gagged, he was desperate to object. The Elf touched his mouth and Moses could no longer make any noise whatsoever. “Don’t worry, the spell will wear off in a couple of hours. Now, let’s see what we have here.”

The proffered panties were nowhere near big enough to fit over Mo’s bum. Even if they were, there was no way they were substantial enough to keep him tidy. The Elf worked his magic as he freed Mo’s feet and Mo desperately tried to continue his protests. All the while Elf Starshine wrestled with her brother, Jessica giggled uncontrollably. She saw him being subdued by a little guy dressed in red and green. Moses saw the supple, slim, black-clad, six-foot thug in the balaclava and DM ‘cherry-reds’.

The frilly pink horrors were soon pulled up against Mo’s precious assets. They seemed to have stretched a bit in the process but not enough to be comfortable. The same phenomenon exhibited itself while the strappy top was positioned. Elf Starshine remarked that the glitter-decorated image of Pinky Pie was quite fetching. Moses didn’t seem to be certain so the Elf held him in front of the wardrobe mirror. He still didn’t seem to be too certain.

“Now behave and be nice to your little sister or there’s more where this came from. Understand?” The defeated Moses sagged in the Elf’s grip and nodded sadly. “Good, now back on your knees while I explain to your lovely little sister.”

Moses was returned to the floor and the Elf made sure that his sister knew what to expect of him. The last remark was, “Of course, he won’t be gagged but that won’t be necessary. If he says anything cruel or unkind, my boss will get to hear about it. He might ask me to return.” All the while he was saying this, Elf Starshine was binding Mo’s ankles whilst sitting astride him. He lifted the sobbing boy into the present sack and allowed his sister to return to sleep. While he waited outside for the sleigh to return, Elf Starshine sat on the sack and its contents. Just to pass the time, he would often demand, “OK, boy, squeeze your balls.”


THE END - - - -OR IS IT??????