On the day of my eighteenth birthday, all three of my uncles had shown up at our lakeside cottage to enjoy the weekend with my dad and my twin brother, Kyle.
We fished, we drank beer, we laughed.
My twin brother and I had finally emerged into what was considered adulthood, and everyone in the family seemed to think it was a milestone worth celebrating.
Little did I know my adult life would get off to such a rough start.
My dad and uncles were all part of the military's reserve forces, and they exchanged a number of stories about their own birthday hazings and how they'd sometimes initiate new recruits back when they were on active duty.
It was all pretty fun and fascinating, but I honestly had no interest in falling victim to one of their devilish pranks.
At some point in the afternoon, my dad went outside and asked my brother to help him chop down some wood so that we could get the fireplace going.
Unfortunately for me, by the time I realised what my three uncles were planning, it was already too late.
I sprang up from the couch and ran towards the doorway, hoping to alert my brother.
Alone, my dad and uncles could pick us one by one. But together, my brother and I might've had a fighting chance against the four louts.
Just as I was about to reach the front door, I was grabbed from behind and sent sprawling down across the hard wooden floor.
Realising that my imminent defeat was at hand, I tried warning my brother by crying out his name and telling him to make a run for it.
But before I even managed to get Kyle's name out, the three giant brutes fell on top of my scrawny frame and uncle Bob's enormous hand clamped itself over the lower half of my face, covering everything from my chin right up to the bridge of my nose.
"Mmmpphff!" I cried out, protesting my fate from inside my uncle's incredibly thick and effective handgag.
A big sack was dumped on the floor next to me, and my eyes burst wide in panic as I watched the broad-chested soldiers pull out a seemingly endless amount of rope from out of it.
Uncle Bob spent the next ten minutes keeping me quiet, while Bill and Mike went about roping me up like some animal.
"Mmphh...mmgggmppgpphh!" I screamed, struggling for air under my big, burly uncle's fiendishly large hand.
The beefy hunks just laughed and cheered each other on, using their combined weight of 700-pounds to pin me down and squash me like a bug.
By the time they were done with me, I was trussed up into the most excruciating of hogties and was left lying on the floor with my heels touching my elbows and my body secured into a backward facing arch.
The low roaring sound of heavy-duty duct tape hit my ears and several strips of wide silver adhesive were slapped onto my mouth and smoothed down over my cheeks.
Satisfied with their work, uncle Bill and uncle Mike both sat down on the living room couch and made fun of how easy it had been to rope me up and subdue me.
Fortunately for them, uncle Bob stood close by and was the first to react when I managed to lick the tape off my lips and get a call for help out.
I knew my dad was part of the ploy, but if only I could warn my twin brother, maybe he'd escape and manage to avoid sharing my untimely fate.
Uncle Bob immediately squatted down on top of my hogtied form and clamped his giant hand over my mouth before I could get anything meaningful out.
"Guys, he's a fuckin' screamer! We need to stuff his yapper up." the bearded man barked, causing his two brothers to look around for something to gag me with.
Mike got up and started walking towards the kitchen. But before he made it out of the living room, uncle Bill intervened and told him to stop searching.
"Bro, here. Just use my sock." he laughed, lifting his foot up off the floor and allowing Mike to peel the dreaded thing off his foot.
My protests became frantic when I saw uncle Mike walking towards me after giving his brother's sock a quick whiff.
"Pew wee! Dude! You really need to wash your socks!" he laughed, causing uncle Bill to chuckle and grin in delight.
I watched as my uncle's big old Hane's sock was wadded up into a large ball, and nearly went cross-eyed when my nostrils flared open and picked up the incredibly strong stench coming out of his cotton bundle.
Uncle Bill's sock smelled cheesy as FUCK!
Not only that, the foul-smelling thing was holed and was quite literally LITTERED with crumbs, hairs and various other bits and bobs of unknown origin.
I tried to cry out in disgust, but a pair of massive hands forced my lips apart and pried my jaw wide open.
Uncle Bill's fat, cheesy bundle was thrust right in, against my will.
"That's it. Down the hatch." Uncle Mike mumbled, forcefully pushing his brother's putrid wad all the way in.
Bill chuckled as he watched the spectacle from afar, and Bob ruffled my hair up and gave me a gentle tap on the cheek. "Welcome to the world of men, kiddo." he spoke, causing his two brothers to laugh and giggle at my expense.
My lips and cheeks struggled and bulged to accommodate my 35-year-old uncle's size 13 sock.
But even though my defeat was plainly obvious, my captors didn't go out of their way to show me any leniency.
The sound of duct tape filled the room again, but this time, the jumbo roll of silvery adhesive was wrapped all the way around my head a total of nine times before it was severed and patted down over my cheeks.
"There we go. All nice and tight." Mike exclaimed, finally standing up just in time for my dad's arrival.
The front door opened and my eyes immediately shot upwards.
I was greeted by the sight of my towering and very much pleased father.
"Good job, guys." he quietly commended, right before calling my twin brother back inside the cottage.
"One down. One to go." Uncle Bob whispered, causing my dad and his two other brothers to scramble into their designated ambush positions.
As soon as Kyle walked in, the four giant brutes tackled him to the floor and wrestled him into submission.
The scrawny eighteen-year-old didn't stand a chance.
In less than five minutes, poor Kyle was trussed up in the exact same manner I was and was restrained into the absolute tightest of hogties.
I stood by as my brother cried out for help, and watched helplessly as his mouth was unceremoniously stuffed with uncle Bill's second sock.
Dad took care of the duct tape, and wrapped the extra large roll around Kyle's head about seven or eight times before severing the adhesive and patting it down.
My twin brother and I spent our birthday evening indoors, bound up and choking on our giant sockgags while our dad and our uncles drank beer, smoked cigars and played cards.
This was one birthday party I wouldn't soon forget.
THE END