Death Traps: A handy cut out and keep guide

[Deleted User 769]

So you want to be a Superfiend?

(An extract from the autobiography of Baron Von Hardcastle)

When an evil overlord, such as your humble narrator, wants to dispatch one of his enemies he tends to favour the theatrical, bizarre or the sadistic (preferably all three) The best examples of the genre are a torturous and needlessly complex device that is designed to inflict an agonisingly slow demise upon whichever heroine has been strapped inside (rather than simply shooting her in the head)

Creating the perfect 'Death Trap' may look easy, but it actually requires creativity, originality and plenty of trips to the hardware store. Nothing is ever too much trouble when seeking to place your damsel in (overly elaborate) peril and there are often great sacrifices involved (For instance my butler recently lost a hand whilst stealing alligators from the local zoo,..) And don't forget, (and I can’t stress this enough people) if you are incorporating lasers into your design, make sure to wear the safety goggles provided.

Here are some of my personal highlights from a career spent menacing damsels in distress,..

The incredible shrinking room: Our star is trapped inside a chamber where the walls are (quite literally) closing in, or which is slowly filling with something generally regarded as being toxic/ unbreathable (sand, water, poison gas,.. a hot dog bought at a gas station) If you’re feeling particularly nefarious, perhaps you could combine both elements,..

Countdown,.. to extinction! The heroine is perched, bound and gagged (naturally) atop a bomb (or similarly explosive device) which is (extremely slowly) counting down to zero.

Buzzsaw Bound: The damsel is strapped down, helpless, while a deadly blade draws closer and closer,.. but much like my rent check, never seems to arrive (see also, train track peril)

Feeding frenzy: Our hero is placed in a state of bondage and left in a location where dangerous animals (hungry lions, sharks, piranha's, TV evangelists) are free to attack them.

The important thing is to have fun, and remember, if a trap has been sprung before, it can never be reused, plagiarism is death and no-one wants to watch a rerun (call Cathy in HR to confirm details)




A Damsels Guide to Distress: Human Sacrifice (inappropriate language)

Please note, the text has recently been revised to include practical and helpful advice as to how to behave sensitively when being sacrificed to a Pagan deity.

This 10,000-page guidebook has been thorough updated to recognise all the various religious sensitivities of those who worship nature through the ancient art of cannibalism, the application of fire or the drowning of innocents.

“During stressful situations there can often be a tendency to use hurtful or insensitive language, especially if you are tied to a steak being cooked at a low temperature whilst the entire village of a long lost tribe gathers round you with lit torches, a tray of condiments and a copy of the drinks menu.

“Now, clearly this situation is far from best practise from a health and safety standpoint, but it should be stressed that the heroine should refrain, wherever possible from using ideologically inappropriate, or hurtful language while begging for egress from their captors. Indeed she should recognise that everyone has the unenviable right to live according to their own personal belief systems,.. even if that does involve the worship of an ancient tree frog.

Our suggestion? Consult with the appointed fire warden (he's usually the one wearing the sheep’s mask and butchers apron) to see if he can supply you with a gag to wear during the ceremony (preferably one that matches your outfit)

Hope this helps.

Happy trails.

Any suggestions for further entries?

[DallasNotAustin]

This was incredibly amusing to read and I absolutely adored the colloquial language and almost satirical tone it took on!

[Deleted User 769]

This was incredibly amusing to read and I absolutely adored the colloquial language and almost satirical tone it took on!

Delighted to hear that you enjoyed it. A position in the Human resource department of Damsel U should be mine for the taking,..

[Handsome Scoundrel]

This is comedy gold. You should do a second installment!

[SweetDamsel]

This is wonderful! The baron definitely sounds like a great example of a moustache-twirling fiend in a cape and top hat. I love how you appreciate the old-fashioned villains/perils. And your writing is great. You definitely know the world of damselhood. You’re my idol! It would be an honor to be placed in peril alongside you someday. Perhaps we’ll be tied side-by-side to the railroad tracks. Or tied to chairs facing each other in the old shack with the fuse to the powder keg lit, tears streaming down our cheeks onto the scarves tied over our mouths as we whimper fearfully and pray that our dashing heroes are riding to our rescue and will arrive in the nick of time to save us! Oh, help! Someone please save us!

[Deleted User 769]

This was incredibly amusing to read and I absolutely adored the colloquial language and almost satirical tone it took on!

Yay! That's awesome! Thanks for reading. Really appreciate the feedback

[Deleted User 769]

This is comedy gold. You should do a second installment!

Ha, ha! Really glad you liked it.
I am always up for a sequel if anyone has any ideas,.. ?;)

[Deleted User 769]

This is wonderful! The baron definitely sounds like a great example of a moustache-twirling fiend in a cape and top hat. I love how you appreciate the old-fashioned villains/perils. And your writing is great. You definitely know the world of damselhood. You’re my idol! It would be an honor to be placed in peril alongside you someday. Perhaps we’ll be tied side-by-side to the railroad tracks. Or tied to chairs facing each other in the old shack with the fuse to the powder keg lit, tears streaming down our cheeks onto the scarves tied over our mouths as we whimper fearfully and pray that our dashing heroes are riding to our rescue and will arrive in the nick of time to save us! Oh, help! Someone please save us!

Aww, I have a fan! That's super awesome!
Ha, ha! It would be both an honour, and indeed a privilege, to be captured with you.
As a budding escape artist hopefully I can get us both free before the train arrives,..