WALKIES
13. Cousins Re-united
It didn’t dawn on me until then that the track long which Hilary had made Frank drag the supplies cart to our campsite might be suitable for vehicles but the sound was definitely that of a motor car; not only that, but I thought I could tell which motor car. After not too long, Ed’s battered old 4by4 hove into sight with Hilary at the wheel. She had got a friend to drop her off by it on her way home and there can’t be many of Ed’s friends who didn’t know where he habitually left the spare key (‘just in case’ he ever got too ;pissed to drive home) and Hilary was obviously no exception.
The old rust-bucket ground to a halt and Hilary jumped down.
“Hi, Hun!”
“Hi, Hils. Good do was it?” I won’t go into the tedious details of a student party but it seemed that, other than giving her old boyfriend the push (her version), it was a very good do indeed – if you like that sort of thing.
The red-haired Amazon went over to Frank. Even without being able to see his tormentor, he knew what might be in store for him and was quaking where he knelt. “I hear you’ve been a complete potty-mouthed little rodent since I’ve been away”. Frank shook his head desperately whilst trying to face the direction from where Hilary’s voice was coming. “It’s just a question of whether I teach you your lesson here or back at home, really.” Frank jerked, flinched backwards and tried to look his cousin in the face through his blindfold.
“Feel free, Hils. Want a go with the Shrimp as well?” Now I had started trembling as well. Ed got his tablet out again. Perhaps the battery was getting low on my phone.
Hilary took Frank’s chin in her hand, lifted his head and waited for a never-ending four seconds or so. “No, can’t be arsed to untie him from the cart. It’ll wait till I get him home.” I’m sure I heard a squeaking noise coming from Frank’s direction. Hilary released him and Frank slumped.
Neither my brother nor Hilary seemed to be in any hurry to leave, and they must have spent a good hour in less than polite conversation until Hilary suggested that it was about time to, “Get the Rodent back home and have a little word with him before I go and have a little lie down”. In spite of having spent so long on his knees and tethered to the cart, Frank didn’t seem exactly encouraged by that declaration.
“Want a lift back? The Shrimp can follow the tracks and lead the Rodent for you? You WON’T remove his blindfold, will you?”
Before I could decide how to react, Hilary saved me the trouble. “No thanks, Hun, (don’t read anything into that, Hilary calls EVERYbody ‘Hun’.) the walk will clear my head and I can explain to the Rodent there, exactly why it is not a good idea not to behave properly in company.” She turned to a newly desolated Frank. “I really thought you’d know better after that explanation I gave you the other day.” I thought I heard that squeal again.
“Oooh good, you didn’t remove his collar. Got his lead?” Ed handed the dog lead to his cousin. “Thanks, Hun.” Frank was soon tethered to his cousin’s left hand.
“Need this, Hils?”
“Probably not but, you never know, it might come in useful.” I breathed a sigh of relief as Hilary took Hazel in her right hand and gave ‘her’ a few swishes. Frank recognised that sound and must have been grateful that he was still on his knees. “OK, Hhuuupp!” Frank was pulled roughly to his feet by the lead and Hilary pulled the sleep mask off him and handed it to the nearby Smeggy Eddie. “Call it a swap for the swishy stick.” Frank flinched as Hilary gave the wand a few more exemplary swishes. I got the distinct impression that either Hazel would be applied to Frank’s nether regions in a more severe fashion than Ed had ever applied it to mine or that he could look forward to something more severe than a bare-arsed hand spanking once Hilary got him home – or even both. I didn’t ask him about it when I next met Frank.
“OK, thanks for taking such good care of the Rodent for me. If ever I can help with the Shrimp, just let me know. He really is so-o-o cuuute!. I didn’t even dare to try to flinch out of range as Hilary patted my cheeks and then scruffed my hair without releasing either Frank’s lead or Hazel.
Frank found himself jerked forwards as Hilary embraced my skanky brother. I couldn’t really figure out whether the subsequent kiss was fraternal or mildly passionate. “OK, thanks again. Ring me tomorrow, yes?”
“Will do.” Judging by my brother’s reaction, I thought that he reckoned he was in with a chance there. I simply hoped not.
“Byeee. Byee, Shrimp, see y’ soon!” That was NOT what I wanted to hear! “OK, Mr. Potty-Mouth, don’t drag on the chain!” With that Hilary gave Frank a quick flick of the switch and forced him forward.
“Bye-bye, see you soon, love.” Yup, he certainly reckoned his chances there. Ed’s soppy expression followed the two cousins away from the now immaculate site.
14. The Journey Home
Once Ed had finished looking longingly after the departed Hils, he turned his attention to me. He didn’t have that misty-eyed look by then. “OK, Shrimp, Let’s go home. Ready?” The question was obviously rhetorical but, with Ed’s old motor sitting there, at least it looked like I wasn’t going have to hike serving as my brother’s pack mule on the way home.
Ed decided that, as his new would-be inamorata had explained earlier, I would be more easily controlled if he slipped that sleep mask over my head so on it went along with the usual bullshit ‘discussion’ with himself that provided Ed’s commentary concerning what was about to befall me. It didn’t sound like a very attractive prospect.
“OK, Shrimp, feet up! Oops sorry, you can’t really, can you.” Ed must have got down to his task, literally, as he slipped the tree-tie from my ankles and then fastened them in parallel. I was only when I thought about things later that it became obvious that a lot of Ed’s arrangements had been very carefully thought out in advance; he’d even placed that belt in the back of the motor ready. It certainly kept my ankles in very close proximity and not too comfortably so, either. My squeal of distress as he pulled the thing as tight as possible before fastening the buckle was scarcely discernible due to the knot in the footy scarf and the multiple layers of tape. Of course Ed congratulated himself on being the ‘Master Gagger of the Universe”.
A lot of what happened next, as had become usual over the past couple of days, only became clear later but here is my account of what must have transpired. I felt myself pulled to my feet and then Ed’s shoulder was forced into my midriff. My protest as Ed lifted me me onto his shoulder was no more audible than the one that accompanied his dumping me in the back of his 4by4. I heard Ed climbing into the old crate and then the sound of the crew seat being opened. The interior, if that was possible, smelled even worse than it had previously; a few very hot days have that effect on rotting detritus. I was soon accommodated face down in the coffin like box.
“You know, Shrimp, if you grow much more, you soon won’t fit into your favourite hidey-hole.” Yup, he had certainly noticed but it was not much consolation at the time. “OK, don’t say I never do anything for you. This should stop you rolling around too much.” What I can only assume to have been the rucksacks were then stuffed into the storage alongside me. That was a bit tight. “Oh, OK then, seeing as you ask so nicely,” (I didn’t), “Here you go.” Ed worked quickly, presumably with his precious knife and cut the cable ties from my elbows. “Ooo, perhaps I need to add a few more layers of tape.” Yes, I did squeal like a (rather muffled) girlie. That fucking hurt as the blood returned to my poor tortured arms.
I felt the seat fall into place and heard the bolts securing it. At least I could turn sideways and shuffle the bags round a bit to make myself less uncomfortable. There was precious little wriggle room but anything would be better than nothing during the forthcoming journey.
The tailgate slammed shut, the fasteners dropped into place and the happy whistler climbed into the cab and we set off for home – or, at least I hoped we were.
The first part of the journey shook me around a bit as Ed was obviously negotiating the estate tracks but, after a few minutes, things got smoother as we hit the proper roads. Things should have gone smoothly from there so I wondered why the hell we seemed to be driving over uneven ground once again. And for rather longer than I would have liked. Eventually, the motor stopped and Ed swiched off the engine.
I only wished that could have breathed through my mouth during the journey and I could have even thanked my tormentor when he opened the crew seat again – if only I could have done so. Fresh air! Fresh air! My greedy snorting must have been audible for miles!
“OK. We’re here!” What the hell that meant, I had no idea but we were certainly not at home. “Let me help you.” What that implied, I had no idea but I knew that I was about to receive the sort of help that I could do without. Ed lifted me out of the opened seat base and dumped me quite gently on the bed of the vehicle. I heard him dismount before he dragged me to the edge of the bed of the 4by4. Another carry over his shoulder resulted in my being left face down on the ground.
“OK, I thought I‘d be kind enough to give you a lift home but, really, I can’t be arsed and, in any case, you need the exercise so you’ll have to walk the rest of the way. Don’t worry, you’ll know where we are in a sec. All you’ve got to do is slip your hands under your bum and start untying yourself. Shouldn’t take more than an hour or so, I’d have thought. OK? Ta-da!”
Ed slipped the sleep mask off my face and, sure enough, I recognised a pull-in along one of the less utilised woodland tracks. “Right, shouldn’t take you too long to walk home, it’s only about six clicks; should make it in - ooo – about an hour. Unless I take your boots!”
I had only body language to indicate that I would prefer not to go barefoot. Look, you know and I know: I had no dignity left to lose and I had done some pretty mean things rather than let Frank have things easier, so I don’t expect your sympathy. Yes, I scrabbled to my knees and touched my nose to Smegward’s proffered boots – yes, both of them. That’s probably the only time I have ever been grateful to have been gagged (except when I’ve done it to myself).
“Yes, slave, you may keep your boots.” I slumped and exhaled with relief. “Don’t forget: no litter.” Ed emptied the daypack into the motor. “Or shall I leave the big rucksack – full? I’m sure there’s still room for the rubbish and you can coil the rope – alpine coil, remember – and carry it over your shoulder.”
“Nnnn, nnnn’k!”
“Ask nicely.” I crawled on my knees over to where Ed was waiting and abased myself again. This time he rested himself against the 4by4 and, before I could kneel upright again, he parked his size eleven on my neck. “Remember, if anyone sees you, you are just enjoying a country walk. You shouldn’t burn too much if you keep to the trees most of the way.” I kept as still as I could and Ed removed his foot.
“OK. I’m going home to edit a few videos now. I might show them to you when you get home. That is IF I don’t send them to your friends first. Ciao!” Ed pushed me over with his foot, climbed into the 4by4 and reversed down the path. I wished that he would crash and disable his precious old banger but I didn’t hold out many hopes in that direction.
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Well, that's how I came to be in this situation. Now all I've got to do now is get out of this crap and try to get home without anyone seeing me.