Kidnapped by Santa (and other tales of 300 words) F

[Stiletto Amore]

Kidnapped by Santa



“I guess it’s true what they say about never meeting your heroes?”


“Lest they have feet of clay?” suggested Saint Nick


“That. And because they might smell like beef and cheese!”


“Ho, ho, ho! Very amusing Sam” replied the not so jolly fat man as he pulled my ropes cruelly tight.


“Son on a nutcracker!” I exclaimed as the cord pinched my skin.


“Any more language like that young lady and I’m afraid I’ll have to gag you”


“Sorry Santa” I found myself apologising “It won’t happen again.


Well, this is new, I thought to myself, I’ve never been kidnapped by a fictitious character before. It felt almost unreal, like being menaced by the Easter Bunny, or trussed up by the Tooth Fairy.


So, to bring you up to speed, I was currently sat, tied to a throne in the small anteroom of a local department store that had been transformed into a makeshift Santa’s grotto. As if the whole tableau was not strange enough already, I was dressed in a form fitting, lime green elf costume complete with pointy shoes and bobble hat.


By now firmly tied I watched helplessly as the man dressed as Father Christmas began stuffing various, brightly wrapped parcels into his sack.


“Are you taking those presents to distribute to all the good boys and girls?”


“Close. I’m going to sell them on e-bay”


“To raise money to buy presents for poor, impoverished children?” I asked hopefully.


“Robbing the rich, to give to the poor? You’re thinking of the other guy”


“You should probably know that I stopped believing in you when I wanph phmfmn” I spat definitely as he tied a long red scarf over my mouth.


“Really?!” He scoffed “Because I heard you were almost thirteen”

I fumed silently from behind my gag.



Train Track Peril



“Ah, the delightful Miss Ward. What an unexpected pleasure” Sir Sidney Sneaky said as he greeted me at the door of his, rather impressive mansion.


“You don’t sound very pleased to see me,” I said warmly.


“Maybe a touch surprised” He admitted, as he ushered me inside “After all, the last time we spoke I believe you were lying in the path of a speeding locomotive”


“You’re leaving out the part where you tied me to the train tracks”


“Ah, yes” He said, as though he were just remembering his part in the scheme “A most regrettable business that - most regrettable. Alas, when you refused to sign over the deeds to the diamond mine, you left me little choice,..”


“Be that as it may, I’m not sure that ever justifies cold bloodied murder”


“For a squished damsel you look remarkably undamaged.


“I wish I could say the same for my uniform” I said dusting down my soot covered school clothes “I was lying under that train for almost a minute”


“Yes, I was meaning to ask. How is it you were able to survive your encounter with the 3-10 from Yuma?”


“Would you believe, a favourable conjunction of the stars?” I asked wryly


“I’m not sure I believe in astrology”


“Typical Scorpio” I replied with a grin.


“So, care to enlighten me on how you managed your great escape from 50 yards of rope and chain?”


“Well, a good magician never gives away their secrets” I said, untying the bright red bandanna, that minutes earlier had served as my gag “but since you asked so nicely, I’d just say this - maybe next time you should consider tying me across the train tracks, rather than between them”


“Ah!” He said, suddenly understanding.


“Indeed” I said, sounding almost insufferably pleased with myself.



The Texas Chainsaw Buffet


Well, this is another fine mess your stomach has gotten us into” Velma complained, not without cause.


“How was I to know this roadside diner was really a front for a family of anthropophagous savages?” I protested


“Sam, the sign above the door was a family in a giant cooking pot and the concierge was literally a half naked man in a pig mask!”


“I thought it was a fun gimmick - like Bubba Gump Shrimp, or that place we went to where all the staff were dressed up like ninja’s”


Velma raised a quizzical eyebrow. “You thought someone built a Texas Chainsaw Massacre themed restaurant?”


“Is that really so unlikely?”


“Okay, so, what did you think when they started tying us up?”


“Immersive theatre?” I ventured sheepishly.


“Well, I certainly admire their commitment to the part” she sulked


In case you hadn’t guessed by now, me and my best friend Velma Daniels were currently hanging by our wrists in the back of a giant larder. If this wasn’t already enough of an indignity, we had both been stripped down to our undergarments and liberally covered with a thick layer of Barbecue sauce.


“Hey! It’s easy to be wise after the event Captain Hindsight. If you were so concerned, why didn’t you say anything at the time?”


“I didn’t stop saying it!”


“Look,” I said wearily “We can hang here for the rest of the day blaming me or we could try to escape”


“Can’t we do both?” Velma suggested.


Fortunately the BBQ sauce acted as an excellent lubricant and I was able to slip free of my ropes like a greased up piglet.


“Say what you like about these hillbillies” I said liking my finger “This is really good”


“I’ll be sure to leave them a good review on Yelp”

[TinkerBliss]

I love the fun banter that you usually have between captor and captive!

[Stiletto Amore]

I love the fun banter that you usually have between captor and captive!

Aww, thank you! So glad you enjoyed the dialogue - that's frequently my favourite part too!