Natasha's Day Out (M/F)

[TamatoaShiny123]

At Pier 78 off the North coast of Manhattan, a small cargo ship had been docked in the early morning. But before the cargo could be unloaded, someone snuck onboard and took out all the crewmates. The only person left standing on the boat among the sea of the unconscious bodies was the infamous George Batroc, aka Batroc the Leaper.

He let out a hearty French laugh as he made his way to the ship’s navigation room and grabbed hold of the steering wheel. “Now, to sail zis ship out of ze pier. Zen, all of ze cargo here will be mine!”


Batroc heard someone clear their throat. “The only place this boat is being driven to is the Raft, so I can drop you back off there.”

He looked up to see Natasha Romanoff across the room with her arms crossed, looking more unimpressed than usual. “Ah, ze Black Widow. We meet again! But it is too late, for I am ze captain of zis vessel now!”
“Then on behalf of the crew members you just took out, consider this a mutiny.”

Batroc leapfrogged over the steering wheel. “Enguarde!” was his battle cry as he launched at Natasha with a flying kick, which Natasha blocked. As soon as he touched the floor, Batroc unleashed a trio of kicks that Natasha had to block, flip away from, and sidestep respectively. On the third kick, Natasha managed to grab his leg, spin him around, and try to elbow-drop the back of his leg. But Batroc flipped forwards before she could connect, landing on his feet. He turned around and connected with a high kick on the shoulder, then an elbow to the collarbone. With Natasha stunned, Batroc connected with a thrust kick to the chest that knocked her out of the room, sending her spilling out to the dock.

Batroc followed her out, taunting her with a cocky pose. “If you give up now, Widow, perhaps I will not tie you to ze anchor and toss you overboard.”
“Hey, it’d be a better fate than listening to any more of that accent.”

Letting out a grunt of frustration, Batroc went for another leaping kick. This time, Natasha was ready to catch it and slammed him to the floor. She straddled his hips and landed a few punches to the face before Batroc swung his head up, catching Natasha in the chin. As she staggered back, Batroc kipped up and kicked her in the back of the head, though Natasha didn’t go down completely. He noticed that she was facing one of the cargo boxes. Deciding to go for some style points, he leaped onto the side of the box, waiting for her to get up. When she did, Batroc leaped from the box’s side, corkscrewing his body as he did. But Natasha recovered in time, stuck her foot into his chest as he made contact, and rolled backward, monkey-flipping him across the deck near the bow.

Natasha watched as Batroc pulled himself up and charged at her again. “I’m done with this close-quarters combat crap,” she announced as she launched two electric blasts from her Widow Bite gauntlets. Both blasts connected and Batroc stumbled over the bow, though he instinctively wrapped his legs around the bow’s railings to prevent himself from falling into the water.

Natasha noticed a coil of rope on the deck. She picked it up and walked over to where Batroc was hanging upside down. He tried to pull himself up, only for Natasha to catch his ankles and tie them to the railing. “OK, Batroc, start talking.”
“Talk about what?”
“Talk about you stealing cargo off this ship.”
“You act like zis is, how you say, an ‘anomaly’. I have stolen from a few cargo ships in ze past, have I not?”
“You have. But usually, they’re cargos of weapons or SHIELD gear. But this cargo is nothing but bottles of wine imported from France.”
“I am French. What do you expect?”
“I know you’re French, but I also know you’re not a cheap stereotype. Now, I’m gonna ask you one more time before I drop you head-first into the very clean waters of the Hudson River: why did you try to rob this ship?”

Batroc let out a defeated sigh. “Fine. I was hired by someone to lure you into a fight so that you’d be weakened and easier to capture.”
“That makes more sense. Now, out with it,” she ordered, placing her hand on the knot to intimidate him, “who is hired you?”

“That would be me!”

Something struck Natasha from behind. When Natasha looked down, she now found that she was wrapped from her shoulders to her ankles in duct tape. Startled, she fell onto her back and got a grounded upside-down view of her assailant. “Deadpool?!”

“That’s right, nerds!” Deadpool shouted, holding a duct tape bazooka on his shoulder. “I just shot my large sticky load onto that hot redheaded girl-”
“Wow. Two sentences in and you’re already giving me a heart attack with the innuendos.”
“That’s right, guy who’s writing this! This isn’t gonna be an easy story for you. It’s also not gonna be an easy story for ol’ Natasha here!”

Natasha groaned, already fed up with her apparent captor. “What’s your game, Wade? Shouldn’t you be busy texting Spider-Man eggplant emojis?”
“I would…but he kinda-sorta blocked my number…my email…and my Snapchat account. But that’s not important right now! See, I’ve been tasked by a super-secret client to kidnap you and bring you to them!”
“And who is this secret client of yours?”

Deadpool rolled his eyes under his mask as he walked over to where Batroc was hanging. “Ugh, if I told you, it wouldn’t be a secret, now would it?”

He used his katanas to cut Batroc loose and then pulled him back onto the deck. “Thanks a lot for your help, Frenchy.”
“I told you not to call me zat,” Batroc grumbled. “Now, about your end of ze deal…”
“Yep. All of that wine is now yours. Get down with your bad self, Bastille Boy!”

Batroc shook his head. “No, you said zat you would pay me half a million-”
“Calm down. Earlier, I snuck over here and stashed the money inside that shipping container.”

Deadpool walked over to one of the containers, undid the heavy latch lock, and opened the door. Batroc peeked inside the container, which was partially full of boxed wines. That’s when Deadpool took out his pistol, slammed the butt into the back of Batroc’s head, kicked the now-unconscious crook inside the container, and locked him inside. “Truth be told, I never had the money for Le Loser,” Deadpool explained. “That’s kinda why I took this job. You know, to afford life’s essentials.”
“And those are…”
“Chimichangas, guns, bullets for said guns…”

Natasha rolled her eyes. “Hey, how are you even getting me off this boat to bring me to your clients?”
“Don’t worry about it! That’ll be handled by the ‘oOo’ transition. Here, watch.”

oOo

“See?” Deadpool said as she wheeled a still-taped-up Natasha across the pier on a handcart. “That ‘oOo’ transition worked like a charm! It also allowed me to get this handcart offscreen…or off-word…ah, you know what I mean.”

Deadpool and Natasha made their way to the sidewalk and he waved over a taxi cab. When one pulled over, Deadpool unstrapped Natasha to the cart, shoved her in the backseat, got in himself, and pulled the door shut.

“Greetings, true believers,” the cab driver (an old man wearing black shades) said to them, “and welcome to my cab!”
“Seriously?” Natasha asked the cab driver. “You see a woman wrapped in duct tape and you’re not gonna ask about it?”
“This is New York, lady. This isn’t anywhere near the top ten weirdest things I’ve seen. Now, where are you folks heading?”
“Take us to 5th Avenue,” Deadpool said. “We’re going to the Empire State Building!”

Natasha was surprised. “You’re meeting your clients at one of the most tourist-infested places in the city to hand off a girl you tied up?”
“Huh? Oh, I’m not meeting my clients just yet.”
“What?”
“Yeah, I figured that while I’m here and have you as a captive, why don’t we take a little time to have some fun?”
“Absolutely not.”
“C’mon, Natasha! When was the last time, being a spy and all, you got to tour this great city?”
“I’ll go on a tour, just not with your ass.”
“Too late! You’re coming with me and my ass on what I like to call ‘Natasha’s Day Out’!”
“You’re name-dropping the title? That seems cheap…”
“Yeah? So is the deodorant you’re using. I can smell you through your computer screen!”
“OK, rude…”
“Anyway, cabbie, take us to the Empire State Building!”

The cab driver nodded. “You got it. The cab fare should be about $20.”

Deadpool patted his costume. “Shit, I think I left my wallet in my other outfit. Uh…hang on!”

Deadpool took out a knife and cut away part of the tape where Natasha’s utility belt was. He pulled out her wallet and pulled out a twenty-dollar bill. “There you are, my good sir!”
“Hey!”
“Don’t worry, I’ll pay you back.”
“Yeah, he’s not gonna pay you back.”
“That’s true. I don’t plan on it.”

Natasha looked incredulously at the cab driver. “Please tell me you’re not gonna take my money while I’m very obviously being held against my will.”
“Twenty bucks is twenty bucks in this town, miss,” the cab driver shrugged. “Now, buckle up and we’ll get going.”

Deadpool put the seatbelt over Natasha’s lap, replaced the tape area that had been cut, placed a strip over Natasha’s lips to shut her up, buckled himself in, and the cab drove off.

oOo

Deadpool wheeled Natasha through the elevators of the Empire State Building’s 102nd-floor observatory deck. During the ‘oOo’ transition, Deadpool paid the cab driver $30 (from Natasha’s wallet, of course) to stay parked outside while he and Natasha went in so they’d have a ride when they were done. To allay suspicions about Natasha’s conditions, Deadpool applied a paint-job on the tape so that Natasha’s tape wrappings looked like the exterior of the building (“It’s a performance piece,” Deadpool explained to the receptionist at the desk. “It’s a metaphor for how city life can be…restricting! Yes, and…uh…crap. Look, are you gonna sell us tickets for the observation deck or not?!”).

“Hey, good job with the exposition there.”
“I’m blushing…like, you can’t see that I am since this isn’t a visual medium, but trust me, I am.”
“Anyway, this is the top of the Empire State Building, Nat. What do you think of it?”
“Mmtz zmm-pmm. Lmm mmm gmm!”
“No, I will not let you go, Nat-oh, hello?”

A Japanese tourist couple came up to Natasha and started taking photos of her. “Hey, guys…yeah, I’m so glad you like my little art piece. Maybe you wanna get a photo with the artist who made it or…”

The couple, having finished taking their photos, walked towards the elevator. Annoyed, Deadpool ran up to them, held up his hand in a peace sign, and winked. “C’mon, guys! I’m, as you might say, Kawai!”

The male tourist turned to his wife. “Ano supaidāmandesu ka?” (“Is this Spider-Man?”)
“Taimuzusukuea kara no nokkuofu no 1tsu ni suginai to omoimasu. Ikimashou, Kenta. Rojāsu: TheMusical ni okuretakunai.” (“I think it’s one of those knockoffs from Times Square. Let’s go, Kenta. I don’t want to be late for Rogers: The Musical.”)

With that, the couple left. While Deadpool took out his phone to Google Translate what they had said, a worker from the building came up to him. “Sir, we both know that’s not an art project. You obviously tied up that nice girl and are wheeling her around.”
“Uh…she likes getting tied up?”
“Sir, I don’t even think you believe that.”

“Thank God,” Natasha thought. “Finally, someone with common sense. Now, make him let me go!”

Deadpool took Natasha's wallet out and slipped the worker $100. “No, it’s an art project,” he told her, winking.

The worker snatched the bill and placed it in her pocket. “Ah. My mistake, sir,” she winked back.
“Now, we’re at the tippy-top of the building?”
“Well, technically, there’s the antenna-”
“What? Boo! I wanted to go to the tippy-top!”
“I’m sorry, sir. But no one can get up there-”
“Nonsense! Watch this!”

Deadpool took out one of his katanas and cut a giant hole through the observatory glass. Pulling the glass out, Deadpool grabbed the handle of the handcart with one hand and used a knife to begin to climb up the building.

Natasha looked down at the ground below. While she wasn’t afraid (she had been dangled from higher places in the past), she didn’t trust Deadpool not to drop her by accident. “DMM-PMM! GMM MMM DMMM FMMM HMMM!”
“No, we aren’t getting down until I get a pic from all the way up-oops.”

While talking, Deadpool’s grasp on the handcart slipped, sending Natasha and the handcart she was strapped to plummeting 102 stories towards the ground. “DMMM-PMMM, YMMM FMM-KMMG IMM-DMM-MMMT!”
“Shit! Don’t worry, Nat, I got you!” Deadpool announced as he pulled a grappling hook and fired it to ensnare his captive. The grappling hook was a foot away from Natasha…until a taloned foot grabbed the handcart.

Natasha looked up at her apparent rescuer. “Vmm-tmm?”
“How interesting,” Vulture mused, hovering in the sky. “I was going to attack the Empire State Building to lure Spider-Man out so I could kill him. But I think taking such an Avenger hostage will work even better!”

“Hey, I’m the one taking her hostage, Birdbrain!” Deadpool exclaimed as he pulled a jetpack from behind his back and flew towards Vulture.

The villain took off with Natasha. “Get away!” he ordered. When Deadpool didn’t stop, Vulture turned around, pulled out a laser pistol, and started firing. Deadpool zipped around the lasers and tried to close the gap between him and Vulture, but the villain was accelerating.

“Grr…turbo-booster feature on this thing, don’t fail me now,” Deadpool muttered as he pressed a red button on the back of the jetpack. Instantly, he nearly closed the gap between him and Vulture with the sudden speed increase. Now right behind the villain, Deadpool threw the jetpack off and climbed onto Vulture’s back. He pulled a blowtorch from behind his back, cut off one of Vulture’s wings, and threw it down to the city below.

“Argh!” Vulture exclaimed, immediately tilting over due to the lack of balance he was now experiencing. “Fine, if you want her so badly, then take her!”

With that, Vulture dropped the handcart, sending Natasha plummeting to the ground again. Deadpool hopped off Vulture’s back and went after her while the villain retreated. Breast-stroking through the air, Deadpool caught up to Natasha, unstrapped her from the handcart, and picked her up into his arms. “There, I got you!”
“STMMM FMM-MMG!”
“‘Still falling’? Right, crap…uh…hey, guy who’s writing this, maybe you wanna…”
“Ugh, fine.” *type-type-type*

As luck would have it, just underfoot, a man was getting a ticket written for setting up a large and reinforced trampoline on the sidewalk. “For the last time, sir,” a cop informed the man, “you need a trampoline permit in this city.”

Deadpool and Natasha hit the trampoline and bounced high in the air. “Whee!” Deadpool exclaimed as he flipped through the air and landed on his feet. Moments later, he caught Natasha in his arms.

“So,” Deadpool asked, “where should the day take us next?”

oOo

Back on the cargo ship, Batroc had just woken up from the blow to his head. He pulled himself up to his feet and realized where he was. He banged on the inside of the crate. “Hello? Deadpool? Widow?”


To Be Continued…

[slackywacky]

That was fun! Please continue.

[TamatoaShiny123]

That was fun! Please continue.

Indeed I shall!


Deadpool placed Natasha in the backseat of the cab, sat in the seat next to her, and closed the door. “Hey, folks,” the cab driver greeted them. “How was your view from all the way on top of the building?”

Deadpool ripped the tape off Natasha’s lips so she could answer. “Ow! Yeah, the view was great, especially from the way down!”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Ah, ignore her,” Deadpool told him. “She’s just a bit grumpy, that’s all. Hey, I didn’t forget about you, Mister Cab Driver. I picked you up a little something.”

Deadpool reached behind his back, pulled out the metal wing he had removed from Vulture, and handed it to the man. “Wow, thanks!” the cab driver grinned, placing it on the passenger seat and buckling it in place.

“Hey, where were you even holding that?” Natasha asked.
“Oh, that’s my hammerspace. Yeah, I reach for something behind my back, and boom, it’s right there!”
“So, you’re just pulling things out of your ass?”
“Trust me, I was thinking of having him literally pull things from his buttcrack. But I figured that would be a bit too on-the-nose.”
“Anyway, now that you’ve put me in mortal peril, can you just take me to your secret client already?”

Deadpool heard his stomach growl. “Not on an empty stomach, I won’t. C’mon, let’s get something to eat!”

Natasha was about to argue back when she felt her stomach growl. “Well, nearly plummeting 1200 feet to the ground does tend to make a woman feel hungry…”
“Great! To Ray’s Original Pizza, cabbie!”

“Which one?” the cab driver asked. “About two dozen pizza joints are calling themselves ‘Ray’s Originals’.”
“True,” Deadpool replied, “but according to Elf, there’s only one true original…”

oOo

Natasha and Deadpool were now in Ray’s Original Pizza on 11th Avenue. This time, Deadpool went comparatively light on Natasha’s restraints; her wrists were tied in front of her while anchored down to her legs, at least giving her enough slack to eat the pepperoni pizza she ordered. Her ankles were tied separately to the chair’s legs while more went around her waist, shoulders, and lap to hold her there.

Natasha noticed that instead of eating, Deadpool was looking around the restaurant, as if he was expecting something to happen. “What? I thought by now, you would’ve tried the ‘Lady and the Tramp’ trick with one of our slices of pizza.”
“It’s just that after we got attacked at the Empire State Building, I thought things would follow a running theme where a villain attacks us here,” Deadpool explained.

Just then, Peter Petruski, aka the Trapster, walked inside the pizzeria. Deadpool sprang up, jumped behind him, and placed his katana to Trapster’s throat. “Alright, bud. You won’t be sticking around to-”
“Calm down, man!” Trapster exclaimed. “I’m just here to pick up my order.”

“Let him go,” Natasha commanded. “I can vouch for him. He’s on parole.”

Deadpool nodded and shoved Trapster towards the counter. “Oh, hey, Widow,” he greeted her.
“Hey, Pete,” she replied. “Keeping your nose clean?”
“Yep! I haven’t committed a crime in half a year,” he proudly announced. “But I have to say, you did a good job in capturing her, Deadpool.”
“Well, I learned from the best…not you, obviously.”

Trapster smiled and sighed. “Yeah, I know,” he admitted as he paid for his pizza, leaving a five-dollar tip. “Anyway, I’ll see you around.”
“Hey, maybe you could untie me?” Natasha asked.

Trapster shook his head. “Yeah, sorry. If I couldn’t beat you while you were tied hand and foot, there’s no way I can beat a guy with guns and swords and who knows what else, especially since I don’t have my gear on me.”
“Yeah…” Deadpool chuckled, “I’d cut you into ribbons for trying…”

Realizing Deadpool wasn’t joking around, Trapster hustled out of the pizzeria. Deadpool took a few more looks around before relaxing. “Huh, I guess a supervillain isn’t gonna interrupt us here after all. Anyway, as I was telling you in the cab, Season 7 of My Little Pony was where things really-”

The doors of the pizzeria burst open. “Alright,” the Shocker announced, “give me all the money here before I blast this place to the ground!”

“Really?” Deadpool whispered. “You went with the Shocker for the next villain?!”
“What’s wrong with him?”
“Oh, nothing. It’s just that when I listen closely, I can actually hear you scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas.”

Shocker looked at Deadpool and Natasha. “Are you clowns gonna do anything about it?”
“Deadpool, you gotta stop him,” Natasha whispered.
“Eh, I don’t feel particularly inclined to,” Deadpool replied with a shrug.

Grunting, Natasha hopped in the chair and slammed one of the legs onto Deadpool’s foot. When he staggered back, he bumped into Shocker, who blasted him across the room and into a wall shoulder-first. Shocker grabbed the cashier by the shirt, who desperately started to hand the villain all the money in the drawer.

“Hey, douchebag!”

Shocker turned to see Deadpool pull himself off the floor and pop his shoulder back into his socket.

“I hope you realize this means war!”

Deadpool took out his pistols and started firing at Shocker, who surrounded himself with a vibration force field that stopped the bullets in their tracks.

“Deadpool, you gotta figure out a way to stun this guy!” Natasha advised him.

Deadpool reached behind his back and pulled out a flashlight. He turned it on and pointed it in Shocker’s direction, shining a red light with his logo into his foe’s eyes, temporarily turning the force field off. Deadpool drew one of his katanas, leaped forward, and made a diagonal slash to Shocker’s chest. Because of his costume, Shocker wasn’t injured. But it did leave a hole in his padded costume around the stomach area. With his next move, Deadpool stuck two of his fingers inside the hole and wiggled them around. “Tickle-tickle, Shocky!”

“Heh-heh-quit it!” Shocker shouted as he vibrated one of his fists and punched Deadpool in the gut, sending him flying and then crashing through a table.

“Shocker!”

Natasha managed to distract Shocker from going after Deadpool and get his attention on her. “Why are you even robbing this place? Did Spider-Man kick your ass the last time you tried robbing a bank, so you’re sticking this place up to get your confidence back?”
“Grr, mind your own damn business, Widow!”

Shocker shot a vibration blast at Natasha, sending her and the chair she was tied to towards the wall. But that’s exactly what she wanted; Natasha flipped in mid-air so the chair legs were pointed at the wall when the chair made impact, breaking it on contact. She immediately started using a broken part of the chair to cut away the ropes on her wrists.

Before Shocker could go after her, Deadpool lunged at him from behind. Shocker turned around and tried to punch him, but Deadpool ducked, took out a smaller knife, and made several more cuts to make the hole bigger before Shocker blasted him back. By this time, though, Natasha freed herself, got up, and kicked him in the gut. Deadpool then ran up and punched Shocker in the spine.

“Deadpool, you got a taser?” Natasha asked.

Deadpool pulled one from behind his back. “Right here!” he announced before tossing the taser to Natasha. She caught it, and, in the same motion, jabbed it into the hole in Shocker’s costume. The volts ran through the villains, causing him to scream. With Shocker stunned, Natasha lined him up so his back was to a mini-fridge filled with drinks.

“Order up, creep,” she quipped as she ran up and dropkicked Shocker into the fridge. He was sent flying back-first and slumped to the floor upon impact.

“OK, Nat, your pizza time to be free is up.”

Natasha looked up to see Deadpool holding another bazooka. Before she could react, he fired at her. This time, she became wrapped from shoulders to ankles in thick brown rope.

“Hey, look on the bright side, pal,” Deadpool said to the still-trembling cashier, “not all of your pizzeria was blown away…”

He looked around to see all of the debris and damaged walls the fight had caused. He let out a quiet whistle, placed $20 in the tip jar, and carried Natasha over his shoulders towards the exit. “Only, like, portions of the interior were. But don’t worry, insurance will cover it…maybe…do you guys have a ‘property destruction caused by a C-list supervillain’ clause in your insurance policy? Because if you don’t, you should really get it for next time…”

oOo

Meanwhile, Batroc was still locked inside the crate. He unleashed a lethal flurry of kicks against the door, only for the onslaught to barely make a dent in the crate’s sturdy sides.

“Merde!” Batroc cursed to himself. “Ugh…well, as long as I am inside zis winery crate, I might as well help myself to a bottle or two.”

Taking out a small flashlight from his belt, Batroc elbowed a hole in one of the wooden crates and pulled out a bottle. He pried the stopper out with his teeth and took a sip…only to immediately spit it out. “Que diable?! Zis is not wine!”

Batroc shone the flashlight around the crate until he found a small piece of paper placed on one of the crates. “Hey, Frenchy! If you’re reading this, I’ve already locked you inside of this crate. The good news is that you have all this wine for yourself until someone comes to your rescue or you die of starvation (whichever comes first). The even better news is that this is my own brand of wine I’m considering selling to make some extra dough. The key to my wine is getting a toilet that-”

Batroc tore the note to pieces, not bothering to read the rest of it. He went back over to the door and continued pounding on it. “Quelqu'un m'a laissé sortir d'ici !”


To Be Concluded...

[ninterz]

This is a funny one.
Can't wait to read more

[slackywacky]

Very entertaining indeed. And luckily it said 'To Be Concluded...', so we get at least 1 more chapter.

[GreyLord]

Just found this. Very droll and witty. I'm looking forward to your conclusion.

[MissEscape]

lol, fun superhero story!

[TamatoaShiny123]

“Hey, Mister Cabbie,” Deadpool greeted the cab driver as he loaded Natasha into the backseat. “The pizza was great…actually, I didn’t get the chance to eat my slice. There was a thing where…ah, I don’t want to bore you with the details. But I picked you up a slice.”

Deadpool pulled the pizza slice from his pocket and handed it to the cab driver. “If there’s a piece of debris on there, just flick it off.”
“Uh…I’ll have it a bit later,” the cab driver politely told him as he accepted the slice. “I filled up on M&Ms while I was waiting for you. So, where to next?”

Deadpool turned to Natasha (meanwhile, the cab driver took the opportunity to throw the pizza slice he was given out the window). “Where do you want to go next?”
“I just want to go wherever your client is so I can kick their ass and go home.”
“Nah, there’s gotta be something else we could do before that. Hmm…hey, cabbie, could you turn on the radio? Maybe if we’re lucky, it’ll play the beginning of something that we could use to move the plot along.”

The cab driver nodded and turned the radio on. “We begin this broadcast with an important announcement for those in New York City: whatever you do, do not go near Times Square. Spider-Man is currently battling the Rhino right now, so going anywhere near there could result in serious bodily harm or even death. I repeat: do not go to Times Square, especially if your story needs another action set piece. Meanwhile, in economic news, Dogecoin…”

“Well, you heard that expository newscaster,” Deadpool told the cab driver. “Times Square, and step on it!”

The cab driver shook his head. “No way, Jose! My boss told me that if I deliberately drove one more passenger to witness a superhero-supervillain fight, I’d be fired. And I need this job to fuel my crippling sunglasses-purchasing addiction!”

Deadpool considered this. “I see…” he thoughtfully muttered.

Deadpool got out of the car, leaped to the other side of the cab, opened the driver’s door, yanked the cab driver out, got back in, and drove away.

“Well,” the cab driver indignantly muttered to himself as he pulled himself up from the floor, “I guess I’m walking home.”

Natasha sighed as Deadpool began to speed towards Times Square. “I guess I’ll add ‘carjacking’ to the laundry list of crimes you’ve committed today.”
“Hey, I gotta ask you something, Nat: back at the pizza place, I know you could’ve easily avoided my rope bazooka.”
“That’s right, I could’ve.”
“Well, why didn’t you?”

Natasha smirked. “Well, the truth is that I genuinely love being tied up, especially with nice and tight rope. That was one of the reasons I became a spy: the thought of being captured…”

Deadpool’s eyes nearly bugged out of his mask. “Wait, seriously?! Why are you telling me this?!”
“Because,” Natasha replied with a shit-eating grin, “no one is ever gonna believe you.”

Realizing this was true, Deadpool groaned as he continued driving. “Natasha Romanoff, you absolute bitch…”

oOo

At Times Square, the police had set a blockade around the perimeter. People were watching as Spider-Man leaped over a charging Rhino. “This time, Spider-Man, I’m gonna crush you!”

“You know, it’s getting to the point where the ‘you trying to kill me’ thing is becoming stale,” Spider-Man quipped as he shot a web line at a cement roadblock, spun himself around, and hurled it at Rhino as if it were a discus. “Maybe next time, we could spice things up and settle our differences over, I dunno, a game of Mario Kart?”

Rhino punched the roadblock to pieces with a punch as it flew at him. He then picked up an abandoned taxi cab and hurled it at his foe, who swung over it. “Woah! That is not what I meant, big guy!”

Spider-Man then swung over Rhino and climbed onto his back, who reached over his shoulder, grabbed Spider-Man, and tossed him towards a flagpole. But Spider-Man grabbed the flagpole, swung around it, and threw himself towards Rhino, knocking him down with a powerful dropkick.

As this occurred, Deadpool used his grappling hook to swing over the barricade and into the fight zone with Natasha, who was back to being strapped to the handcart (after they got out of the car, Deadpool added a knotted red bandana between her teeth so she couldn’t distract him with any more mind-blowing secrets). “Now, this is a way to spend the day,” he told Natasha. “Seeing landmarks, chowing down on pizza, and watching a hero laying a super-smackdown on a villain!”
“Yuh shud hlp hmm,” Natasha told him through her gag.
“‘I should help him’? Nah. Spider-Man’s beaten this clown, like, a billion times. He’s got this. Besides, I took out two of his villains today. I deserve a break.”

Deadpool spotted an unattended hot dog cart. Excited, he wheeled Natasha over to it. “Here we go! Since I didn’t get to eat my pizza at Ray’s, I might as well get a bite here. Hey, do you like hot dogs? I’ll get you one.”

As Deadpool rummaged through the cart, Spider-Man flipped away from a Rhino punch and cast a web line that attached itself to Rhino’s hand. Spider-Man leaped over Rhino’s opposite shoulder and pulled against the web line, forcing his foe to the ground. He then looked over to see Deadpool and groaned. “Wade? What are you doing here?!”
“Getting a cage-side seat to this fight,” Deadpool replied, squirting mustard on his newly-constructed hot dog. “Oh, you’re welcome, by the way.”
“For what?”
“For taking Vulture and Shocker down for you!”
“I heard that Vulture retreated and that you let Shocker get away after you trashed a pizzeria!”

“I didn’t let Shocker…” Deadpool began to say before he thought to himself. “Oh…yeah, I probably should’ve stayed with him until the cops came to arrest him. To be fair, I was busy getting Natasha-

“Natasha?!” Spider-Man turned to see her bound and gagged on the handcart. She gave him an acknowledging nod. “Oh, geez. Wade, why did-”

Spider-Man’s spider-sense went off. He turned around to find Rhino charging at him. He tried to swing over Rhino again, but this time, Rhino caught his leg as he tried to and slammed him spine-first into the pavement.

“I’m alright, folks,” Spider-Man groaned to the crowd of concerned onlookers. “I was actually looking for an excuse to book a chiropractor’s appointment this week.”

Rhino spotted Deadpool and stomped over to him. “Deadpool,” he growled, “you have three seconds to piss off before I smash you into the street like I just did to your little friend.”
“He’s not just my friend,” Deadpool retorted, “he’s my boyfriend!”

“No, I’m not,” Spider-Man groaned from the ground.

Rhino snorted in amusement, then suddenly snatched the hot dog from Deadpool’s hand and gobbled it up in front of him. He then swatted the cart, sending its content spilling onto the street.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Deadpool dramatically wailed before facing Rhino with absolute fury in his eyes. “Listen here, Big And Ugly! You can break my man’s spine-”
“I have a girlfriend-”
“Shh. Rest, my spider-beau. But you do not knock over hot dog carts like that! So now, you’re gonna pay for splaying out all those thick buns and wieners across this fine city’s streets!”

In response, Rhino threw another abandoned taxi at Deadpool, who slid under it. He drew both katanas, leaped in the air, and made a diagonal slice with each katana…only for each blade to shatter upon impact with Rhino’s tough hide. “Damnit,” Deadpool muttered. “Those were collectibles…”

Rhino threw a punch at Deadpool, only for him to land in a full split below the attack. “From the playbook of Johnny Cage!” he announced before throwing a straight punch between Rhino’s legs…only for it to seemingly have no effect. He looked up to see Rhino glaring at him, even angrier than before. “Oh…I guess you have a cup inside that rhino suit of yours, don’tcha?”

Rhino grabbed Deadpool by the top of his head, picked him up, and threw him over the crowd into some scaffolding that collapsed on top of him.

Smirking, Rhino stalked towards Natasha. “Hmm, perhaps I’ll squash two spiders today…”

Natasha tried looking for any knot she could get her hands on. “Ddd-pll! Spdr-mnn!”

The scaffolding pinned Deadpool’s lower body to the ground. As he tried to pull it off of him, he saw that Spider-Man was still on the ground and Natasha was nowhere close to getting free. “Hey, guy who wrote this, maybe you could-”
“No. I already helped you bullshit your way through your encounter with Vulture. You’re on your own with this one.”
“You do realize that Rhino’s about to kill one of your biggest story cows, right? Do you really want to spend the last few hundred words of this thing on Natasha’s funeral?”
“...”

oOo

At the Avengers Compound, a black coffin stood in the center of the meeting room. All the Avengers sat in chairs wearing black as Nick Fury approached the podium. “Friends, we are gathered here to-”

oOo

“Yeah, that won’t work. Fine, I’ll give you one last bailout.” *type-type-type…*

Before Rhino could get his hands on Natasha, the jetpack Deadpool had ditched earlier during his fight with Vulture (which had apparently been flying around this whole time without running out of gas) came flying into the area, zipping all over the place at turbo speed.

“Spidey,” Deadpool called out, “get Rhino in that thing’s path!”

Still on the ground, Spider-Man shot a web line that attached itself to Rhino’s shoulder. Rhino forgot about Natasha and stomped over to Spider-Man. “What are you-”

The jetpack struck Rhino in the chest and carried him into the air. Stunned for a moment, Rhino turned and saw he was being flown into the path of an electronic billboard for The Daily Bugle.

“Where was Spider-Man today when Vulture was scavenging the skies or when Shocker nearly destroyed one of our fine eateries?” J. Jonah Jameson asked on a live broadcast the billboard was transmitting. “I’m getting word that he’s in Times Square now fighting the rampaging Rhino. But based on today’s track record, I’m amazed he even bothered to show up. I’m surprised that Spider-Man isn’t sitting at home, eating popcorn while Rhino smashes-”

Rhino slammed back-first into the billboard, shattering part of it on impact. “AARGH!” Rhino cried as the electricity from the billboard ran through his body. He plummeted to the street below, creating a small crater where he landed.

Spider-Man got up and swung over to where Rhino laid unconscious. “Hey, you shut Jameson up. Maybe you’re not such a bad guy after all,” he quipped before swinging back to Natasha as Deadpool scurried out from under the scaffolding. “So, Widow,” he asked Natasha as he pulled her gag down, “how did you wind up hanging out with such a nice guy like Deadpool?”
“The chucklehead got hired by someone to kidnap me and bring me to them.”

Spider-Man sighed. “Tell me who the client is, Wade.”

Deadpool rubbed his head. “Here’s the thing…after everything I went through today, I kinda-sorta forgot who I was even supposed to give Natasha to! Man, am I gonna get a call from the Better Business Bureau or what?!”

Deadpool placed his arms around Natasha and Spider-Man’s shoulders while chuckling. When it was clear that they weren’t as amused by this revelation, Deadpool began to walk away. “Well, I better head out now. I’ve got places to be and people to un-alive, y’know? Anyway, thanks for the great day, Nat. Smell you later!”

Spider-Man grabbed his wrist. “You’re not going anywhere, Wade.”
“What? What did I do?”
“Let’s see,” Natasha said, “assault, kidnapping, property damage, carjacking, probably at least five things today that I don’t know about…”
“Yeah. Kidnapping an Avenger is considered a giant no-no under the law,” Spider-Man agreed.
“B-but she likes getting tied up! She told me herself!”

Spider-Man and Natasha shared a look. “Yeah right,” Spider-Man said after a second, rolling his eyes. “How dumb do you think I am?”

Thinking quickly, Deadpool took some small red spheres and threw them at the onlookers. Spider-Man launched a web net that ensnared the spheres and threw the net in the air, expecting the spheres to explode. But instead, they fell harmlessly to the ground. Spider-Man walked over to the net, pulled one of the spheres out, examined it, then groaned. “Are these just Bakugans?!”

By this time, Deadpool pulled another jetpack from behind his back and was already beginning to fly away. “Yep! There was a sale on eBay for a dozen of them. I sniped some fat loser at the last second and got them for a steal!”
“Get down here!” Natasha ordered. “At the very least, you’re answering to Nick Fury over what went down today!”

Deadpool burst out laughing. “You’re hilarious, Widow! If you weren’t a spy, you should’ve become a comedy writer. You’d come up with better jokes than the crap the author scribbled out here!”
“Hey! I thought the Mario Kart quip was good!”
“Congrats! One out of a hundred jokes landed! Which Comedy Hut are you doing your tight five at?”
“Yeah, I’m beginning to remember why I seldom write you…”

With that, Deadpool flew out of sight. Spider-Man watched in frustration for a moment before he went about freeing Natasha. “So, what exactly happened today?” he asked as he started untying knots.

“I couldn’t exactly tell you,” Natasha laughed. “It’s been a long day.”

oOo

After unsuccessfully trying to break out of the crate for some time, Batroc decided to lay down and take a nap, believing that a quick rest would be enough to recover some stamina and think of an escape plan. When he awoke, he stood up and absentmindedly pushed against the door. To his shock, the crate door opened.

“Finally,” he gasped as he staggered out of the crate. “Now, to get revenge on zat bastard Deadpool and-”

Batroc looked up to find a dozen SHIELD agents standing in front of the crate (having been tipped off by Natasha), all holding laser pistols. “Freeze! Hands up, Batroc!” one of them ordered.

Still exhausted from his ordeal, Batroc complied as several of them rushed over to place him in cuffs. “Sacre bleu…”

The End

[Caesar73]

That was most delightful