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[Deleted User 769]

Recently i was (un)fortunate enough to spend a night in Crowley Arms.
Here is my review:

The location leaves a great deal to be desired, unless you are an intravenous drug user or wish to take up heroin as a hobby. Firmly ensconced in the 'body-bag' district on the Lower East Side of the docks, it had a smell that suggested that an aged swamp monster had recently expired on the premises.
From my short stay it was immediately apparent that the hotel attracts the kind of people you would gladly cross the street to avoid.
It was never made clear if the decision to hire a workforce consisting exclusively of convicted felons was an unfortunate series of mistakes, or part of an inclusive hiring policy. I sincerely hope it was the later.
When my blindfold was (finally) removed I was faced with a foyer that had remained unchanged/ untouched since the last (Boer) war. There I was greeted by a wizened, hunch back male answering to the name "Old Man" Smithers. When I met him he was busy chain smoking beneath a non smoking sign. He told me he appreciated the "ironing".
After conducting a quick search of my person I was bundled into the lift.
Its no exaggeration to say I’ve seen suicide attempts with less health and safety violations.
My advice - take the stairs.
Rather optimistically, it advises a four person occupancy, but God help you if any of your party had enjoyed a heavy lunch.
Which brings me to the subject of food.
For my, one meal I was offered a large piece of drywall mascaraing as a cheese sandwich. Suffice to say, one bite was quite enough. No joke, my gag tasted better (and almost certainly contained fewer carbs) Although, little tip, don't pass these comments on to the chef. He threatened to hog tie me and shove an apple in my mouth.
Still, at least the staff were generous enough to offer me the choice of where I wanted to spend the night - although the options were painfully limited.
Since the bed appeared to be sprouting mushrooms and still contained the chalk outline of a body I decided that the high backed wooden chair was the safest option.
Disappointingly they insisted on tying my hands and feet with thick (read: itchy) hessian rope - rather than the silk scarves I had suggested. Likewise they ignored my pleas to use a freshly laundered handkerchief to gag me - instead stuffing my mouth with an old dish rag.
That said, in a rate moment of kindness my kidnapers agreed to leave the TV on for the night - but sadly they failed to locate the remote control so I was forced to endure a six hour NCIS marathon only ending when I was eventually released by the authorities
Suffice to say, I have no plans to revisit this establishment
I give the Crawley arms 1 chainsaw (out of 7) purely because the Fireman who rescued me was super hot!

If any one wishes to add their own reviews (from the perspective of either the kidnaper or kidnapee) then I would be delighted to read them. Likewise, if anyone has any suggestions as to any other holiday (sic!) destinations I could review then please, get in touch.

[TamatoaShiny123]

You definitely need to post more reviews? Perhaps from an abandoned warehouse or maybe trapped in school?

[Deleted User 769]

You definitely need to post more reviews? Perhaps from an abandoned warehouse or maybe trapped in school?

Ha, ha! Both great suggestions. Maybe I could find alternative employment as a tour guide taking in the sights, sounds, and smells of the many glamorous locations around the capital in which I've been tied up?

[TamatoaShiny123]

You definitely need to post more reviews? Perhaps from an abandoned warehouse or maybe trapped in school?

Ha, ha! Both great suggestions. Maybe I could find alternative employment as a tour guide taking in the sights, sounds, and smells of the many glamorous locations around the capital in which I've been tied up?

You should absolutely do that!

[Deleted User 769]

You definitely need to post more reviews? Perhaps from an abandoned warehouse or maybe trapped in school?

Ha, ha! Both great suggestions. Maybe I could find alternative employment as a tour guide taking in the sights, sounds, and smells of the many glamorous locations around the capital in which I've been tied up?

You should absolutely do that!

",.. On your left is the market square where a coven of devil worshipers attempted to burn me at the stake,.. to your right is the alotment where I was once buried up to my neck and menaced by an army of angry red ants,.. up ahead is a partially demolished block of flats where I once spent a very uncomfortable night bound and gagged at the mercy of a trio of underground graffiti artists,..

[TamatoaShiny123]

Ha, ha! Both great suggestions. Maybe I could find alternative employment as a tour guide taking in the sights, sounds, and smells of the many glamorous locations around the capital in which I've been tied up?

You should absolutely do that!

",.. On your left is the market square where a coven of devil worshipers attempted to burn me at the stake,.. to your right is the alotment where I was once buried up to my neck and menaced by an army of angry red ants,.. up ahead is a partially demolished block of flats where I once spent a very uncomfortable night bound and gagged at the mercy of a trio of underground graffiti artists,..

I’d really like to hear the red ant story

[Caesar73]

I like the idea of this story Tripadvisor totally different

[Reidy]

Really nicely done.

[MaxRoper]

I was for a brief but memorable period the "maintenance" man at Crowley Arms. I can't say I remember your stay but there were so many guests over the years. It was long ago and I doubt our paths crossed, however I definitely remember Old Man Smithers, his hand=rolled cigarettes, and his sense of "ironing". And you're so right about not crossing Cookie. One young lady was bound, appled, covered in barbecue sauce, and placed in the oven before the constabulary arrived. The employees were rightfully disappointed at her rescue.

I'm currently employed at the Dwayne Hotel, a seedy dive with a history one doesn't wish to pursue. We would certainly show you an interesting time. I'll be watching for you.

[Deleted User 769]

I like the idea of this story Tripadvisor totally different

Thank you kindly

Any suggestions on other locals I could 'investigate' for a future article?

[Deleted User 769]

You should absolutely do that!

",.. On your left is the market square where a coven of devil worshipers attempted to burn me at the stake,.. to your right is the alotment where I was once buried up to my neck and menaced by an army of angry red ants,.. up ahead is a partially demolished block of flats where I once spent a very uncomfortable night bound and gagged at the mercy of a trio of underground graffiti artists,..

I’d really like to hear the red ant story

Haha! You would!
Personally, I HATE creepy crawlies, almost as much as I hate being buried up to my neck in a giant sand pit!
It gets EVERYWHERE! I was washing sand out of my uniform for weeks afterwards

[Deleted User 769]

I was for a brief but memorable period the "maintenance" man at Crowley Arms. I can't say I remember your stay but there were so many guests over the years. It was long ago and I doubt our paths crossed, however I definitely remember Old Man Smithers, his hand=rolled cigarettes, and his sense of "ironing". And you're so right about not crossing Cookie. One young lady was bound, appled, covered in barbecue sauce, and placed in the oven before the constabulary arrived. The employees were rightfully disappointed at her rescue.

I'm currently employed at the Dwayne Hotel, a seedy dive with a history one doesn't wish to pursue. We would certainly show you an interesting time. I'll be watching for you.

Haha! That's brilliant!
Yes, now that you mention it, I think I recognised you from the company picnic. Were you in the mob chasing me with pitchforks and burning torches?
Hmm, well the Dwayne hotel sounds simply charming. Any chance of a frequent Damsel discount?